From the time was a kid and my brother passed away I have had this fear...
I remember laying there at night and praying to God that he would give my parents the strength to continue each day, because I felt that no parent would be able to go on after losing a child.
Ever since then I have had a fear that something would happen to one of my own when I grew up. Now I have 2 beautiful children and the fear is still there. It's 100x worse now that I know Cody has Brugada's.
My logical mind tells myself that we are lucky. We at least know he has it and we were given the opportunity to give him back up via the box in his chest. That same part of my brain knows that I must live each day as normal, and allow Cody to live each day as if nothing were wrong.
Unfortunately that part of my brain that feels fear does not listen to the logical portion of my brain. There is this constant battle going on in my head and it's driving me insane. On the outside, especially in front of the kids, I try my best to maintain the normal every day person that I am...
but inside, my head is screaming.....
At night I have found myself waking up in a panic, and I have to go to his room and make sure he is ok, I sit there and I watch him sleep and it takes all I have not to just grab him and hold him.
In the morning I no longer wake up to my alarm, but instead it incorporates itself into my dreams. No longer is it the dreaded sound that means I have to get up, but instead its the box giving us the warning that his heart is about to do god aweful things. I reach for him and grab him as he falls. That's when I finally wake up.
Zaad has told me that the fears will pass, and I know she is right, but at the moment I do not see how that is possible.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Living with Fear (Lulu)
Posted by Lulu at 5:23 PM
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2 comments:
Oh, Lu, I remember those nights well. All the constant checking, all the constant fear.
It DOES fade - it will never go away completely. Every time an ache or pain turns up, you will be running to the Urgent Care, or the ER, and that's OK. Seriously.
Until it fades, you need to talk about it. Write about it. Keep telling yourself it will be ok - it WILL sink in. And we are all here for you.
DO NOT keep everything inside. Or you will end up in rehab, like I did, two years after Emmo's open heart surgery...so just keep talking and writing. You WILL get through this.
~Zaad
Lu... I am sorry. It sucks to have to go through this. But you are NOT alone. YOU have US.
I may have been preoccupied the last 2 weeks... but that doesn't mean i am not here. I AM. Zaad is. and although it's not my flesh and blood (Mo and Code), I do understand. I get the inability to sleep and panic at night... But, Zaad is right... You can't hold that in... You do have to let it out one way or another.
I will be back to "my old self" in 2 days... and I will make sure that you are either talking, writing, seeing someone, or anything you need!!!!
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