Ok, Ok, I know I haven't posted in awhile... (Bex)

I know it has been awhile since I last posted...
And for good reasons...

1. I have had a few job interviews... but I don't want to "jinx" anything...
2. There is not too much new...
3. Some things I have to say, might hurt people's feelings, which I am not willing to do...
4. Ugh, there is not much new... same ole' same ole'...

Anyway... I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season... And I wish you a Happy New Year!!!

Worried for Nothin' (Lulu)

Today was our Christmas in the LaBond plus the strays household lol!!! We did it early cuz 3 of the four kids have to go to the other parents home for Christmas day and we wanted them to have time to play with their stuff before they had to leave for 2 weeks. I can't say the events leading up to today were all that calm and peaceful but apparently I worried for nothing.

It's not exactly easy to join two families together for a holiday like Christmas, especially when there are younger kids involved. Each family has their own traditions. It's their household so I wanted to try and disrupt their ways as little as possible, but I also didn't want to completely forget mine. And don't get me wrong, its not that Bex expected me to...it's just not always easy mixing the two.

It also doesnt help that I was already an emotional wreck. I was worried about so many things. Much of which turned out to be due to a misunderstanding. I was upset about things that I really couldnt quite put my finger on till the middle of the night. I couldnt sleep cuz I just couldnt shut my brain off. So many worries, feelings, fears....So I decided to write. (No there is no post...I never published it cuz it was more for me to figure things out than to share) This really helped. I was able to finally pinpoint what I was so upset about and go from there on how to change it. Unfortunately it took a few hours so of course I never actually went to sleep last night.

At 7am I went upstairs to find my big gray hair, laying on the couch, wide awake! so of course as soon as he saw me he had to run upstairs and "accidentally" trip over the kids and "accidentally" wake them up!! (those were his words) And btw...had my kids actually made the bet with Bex they would've won! She said that she is always up first and would be waking them up...Wrong!!! Cody was up at 5am and just waited until an adult woke up to wake up the rest of the household!

so the kids opened presents and I fought back the tears. They were sooo happy and they were just so excited over everything! And here I was...afraid they wouldnt have a good Christmas. My kids even made me a picture collage...All by themselves (sniff sniff)

Poor Bex tho. Finally all the emotional crap got to me. I actually walked into the kitchen where she was and said "ok...gotta do this. I have some things to say and I am gonna get emotional, and I am gonna cry, and you are just gonna have to stand there and listen and put up with it for a bit!" Talk about a deer caught in the headlights LOL! But she handled it well and when I was done I informed her "there I am done and I feel better"

It was a wonderful Christmas...

Gratitude (Zaad)

Thank you Girlz. Nothing helps me like you guys. All 3 of you txted me today to make sure I was doing ok and nothing made me feel more ok than that. I know we fight, we bicker, we pick on each other, but we are truly HERE for each other and I just wanted you guys to know that I appreciate it.

Also, if you see dh, say, randomly at the drug store or something, feel free to stick your foot out to trip him.

You know, just sayin'.

The Rie-man (Lulu)

ok...so i got this text from Zaad the other night...and its funny enough that I just had to post it

Zaad: Rie was asking how old dh is and i said he was 43, you got an old dad. To which Rie replies "uh-uh...Aunt Lulu's not even that old!"

and this is why we love the Rie-Man so much...just sayin'

In a Funk (Lulu)

Holidays are approaching fast...and I am in a funk. Its really not the holiday that is bothering me so much, just everything else.

For starters, I NEED A JOB!!!!! I have had quite a few job offers but unfortunately they have been for the afternoon shift. I cannot do that. I do not trust the ex to not use it against me for custody reasons. Oh sure, he would say he wouldnt, but so far every time he says he would not do something...he has.

second...I am having a very hard time saying good bye to my kids. Yes part of me enjoys the break...but I almost started crying when I had to send them off to their dads yesterday. They both hugged me so tight, then whispered in my ear "mom, I don't want to go...I want to stay here!" It breaks my heart every time. I know Mike wants to see them, and its not that they dont want to see him, they just dont want to be gone for a whole week.

Then there are some decisions I am struggling with regarding the divorce. I know what I need to do, but I am having a hard time doing it. Even with the lectures I keep getting from my biggest gray hair. Sometimes I think he is much older than what he really is. His arguments are right on the money, almost as if I was talking to one of my parents. I am just so afraid of what may happen...how bad it may get...how the kids will be affected...ugh I just do not know! So many people have tried to reassure me, and believe me it is appreciated, but it still does not make it any easier.

Last, the anniversary of my brothers death is coming up. Most years are all right. You would think that as long as he has been gone I wouldn't have this hard of a time. Maybe its all because of where I am right now in life...I dont know...but I am having a really hard time this year. I think of him so often, wishing he were here, wondering how different my life would have turned out.

I just need to find a way to get out of it.