Do I Expect To Much (Lulu)

I think back to how things used to be and I wonder.......

We started out not even liking each other. We tolerated each other because of mutual friends. But we were the only smokers and we couldnt smoke inside....so we logged a lot of time just sitting on the steps talking. We got to know each other. We learned that all those things we disliked about each other were only facades. We had put up those walls to protect ourselves from the lives and situations we were living at the time. After awhile we became friends. We leaned on each other when times were tough. We laughed together when things were good. Before we knew it we had fallen in love.

So I wonder....Did I fall in love with the true person or did I have on blinders. Was I only seeing what I wanted to see?

When I think about how life is now I wonder.....

I know that people grow and change over time. Am I expecting too much to think that the things you fell in love with about a person would be the things that never changed? Shouldn't those things stay the same because its the core of the person?

If I had on blinders and have taken them off then I cant really expect that person to change. But if the core does change then don't I have the right to not like what he is becoming? How do you know what is the truth?

I long for the days when we talked. I dream about the days when nothing came before the family. Not work...not friends...not hobbies...NOTHING! I also ache for the days when we shared our souls. If he hurt...I hurt. If he was happy...I was happy. I want to go back to those steps and just sit there and freeze time. Is that expecting too much?

It's Official

ShaMom, it is.

Welcome to our club, ShaMom. It's a motley crew of sorts, but we all like it just fine.

Bonnie's Message to the Girlz (Bonnie via Zaad)

First, we need a nickname. Mine and Bex's parents are G-ma and the Bump, and none of us go by our given names so it just ain't right calling Lulu's mom Bonnie. Anyone got a good idea? I was thinking of "The Shaman" or something like that, for she has, for the last 10 years, always been a source of spiritual wisdom for me. Not to mention she healed Mo once. (Not kidding, totally serious, story for a different day though....)

This is the message she sent to us through Lulu's email. It was touching enough to warrant it's own post. Downright made me tear up, I tell ya:

Hello GIRLZ, this is MOMZ speaking ( Angelas mother) I wanted to reply on your blog page but couldn't figure out how so Angela will have to pass the on to all of you.

Your friendship touches my heart. It is so unusual to have 4 girls share such a good friendship without jealousy. You have learned a very valuable truth that most people never seem to get. There is no limit to the capacity the heart has to love. Love for 1 does not diminish the love for another.
As time goes on and you help each other thru the hard times as well as sharing the good, you'll find your own strengths and wisdom growing.. There will be others coming along behind you who will be in need of just that wisdom. Actually I guess I'm really grateful to you for being there for Angela. She's still my little girl, and it feels like there is someone there to give her the support she doesn't always get. Nurture the friendship and be grateful for each other.

Now on a lighter note _ TATS - OMG (I sound pretty kool don't I, or is that a word like boombox) anyway they do look beautiful and I know a lot of thought and meaning went into them. Angela yours made me cry. He's been on my mind so much lately. don't know why.

My love to you all, I;m here for you too if you need a mothers ear.
Bonnie [aka *spiritual Goddess*]

The Trees on Dead Fish Beach (Zaad)

This is a test:

The first one to notice why these tress kick hardcore ass gets.....

nothing really. But look closely.... they are very, very cool.

Lonely Nights (Zaad, obviously)

So I just got home from Beks. Again. I literally was her house every night this week.

Every night.

And tonight, I was really ready to come home, mainly just to come home to get to bed before it got too late, because once again, I am working on Saturday. *sigh* *poor me* *poor, poor me* *pour me another*

Anywho, but when I got in the car, this overwhelming sense of loneliness came over me. The yahoos are staying the night because of work and I guess I just don't feel like being alone. I hate this because I normally love and relish in solitude, but not this week. Not when you have a broken heart.

I immediately thought to myself: oh, I should have stayed. But then I would just be even more tireder than I already am (liken' the word tireder, btw). *sigh*

At least I have people. At least I have my kids, my girlz, my family, and all of my other friends. Everyone has been really great, too. And just when I start to think: ok, this is getting easier, then I start to feel lonely again. Having *someone* is just very special, and losing that is hard.

No matter how independent you are, losing someone is hard. Especially when you are so hopeful about that person. *sigh*

Ok, enough pity potting for me, I'm going to bed. Work comes early...

Create a Monster? (Bex)

Alrighty girlz... I sat down and noticed that nobody had written anything since Monday... and well myself I have a few reasons...

Last weekend I finished with finals from a Horrible semester of law school. my schedule was ugly, I wasn't that much into the material... (I mean really who could like Secured Transactions... ok, maybe Zaad would have enjoyed it... but not me) and then I had to dye Lu's hair for her vacation and then Monday Lu wrote how I created a monster...

And I have been giving that post a lot of thought... I admit I have put my influence on to everyone of my girlz... including the little ones... I believe in that Girls are girls and Boys are boys and we have our places in live. Don't get me wrong... I CAN do anything... WHEN and IF I WANT to. (Ok, I'm not saying there is a better sex out there, or anything, nor do I NEED a man... I am independent...) But, I like to feel like we have our places (and I don't necessarily mean mine in the kitchen and his on the couch...) I want to be a GIRL, I enjoy and relish in being a FEMALE. And I love "my girls", I like to dress like a girl, do my hair, paint my toenails and look pretty. And it is amazing as woman how much little things can do to boost your mood... I live by a motto... LOOK GOOD, FEEL GOOD...

Anyways... my little explanations leads me to this... yes, I have influenced some important people in my life. But what I want to say... Make sure you look in the mirror and you can live with yourself. The influence is just that, an influence, an opinion, a suggestion... Any real life decisions or reactions to actions are all our own. I don't know how to keep my mouth shut when someone wears an ugly hat to my house, or wear flip-flops and don't paint their toenails... And I don't know that anyone of you want me to change that...

So, as much as this is as I will take some blame... we are all grown-ups and can and do make decisions for ourselves... If: no, I didn't "create a monster", I opened a door and the monster choose to come through the door... it was because she was hiding and choose to come out.... Be careful... Remember who you are always on the inside and don't lose that person we have always loved!!!!

The Monster Bex Created (Lulu)

First of all I have to start by saying...I MISS YOU GIRLZ ALREADY!!! But I am enjoying my vacation in the sunny WARM state of Florida. At the moment I am sitting outside by the pool enjoying all the night sounds!

Ok so now I have to say that I may never recover. I have slipped beyond saving and its all Bex fault! It started when I had to pack for my trip. As I was deciding what to pack my husband was having a fit about the shoes I was actually going to wear on the plane. He insisted that it was going to be trouble all because they are wedge shoes (very very cute) and I told him I HAD to wear them. I had to explain that they are cute so therefor I just HAD to wear them...besides if I wear them instead of packing them then I can pack 3 more pairs of other shoes cuz they dont take up as much space. He then proceeded to bitch about how he was going to have a word with Bex cuz now I am not the same woman he married (back then I owned 1 pair of shoes and they were 3 year old tennis shoes.....ACK!!!)

So I get here and what do I do....go straight from the airport to this great outdoor shopping mall and spend some more money on clothes (I wont mention how much just in case the hubby actually reads this LOL!!!) Just so everyone knows.....I really didnt need to buy more cuz I bought an entire wardrobe for the entire week before I even left Michigan!! But I just couldnt resist....the clothes...and yes the shoes....were so cute I just couldn't pass them up! Besides...I decided to justify it with the fact that I am on vacation therefor I deserve to buy clothes.

The worst part is that my friend and I have already made plans for our next shopping excursion! Life is soooooo great!

I will miss you girlz tomorrow while you are all enjoying girlz night but just know I may have put a bug in the wall somewhere so watch out LOL!!!!!

Thank You Girlz and New Assignment

Words cannot express the gratitude I have for friends like you three. When I was on the phone, crying, to Bex, she had already sent you other to me. "I've sent for re-inforcements, they will be at your house shortly." And all I did was cry some more.

The fact that it works like that: one is upset, the other three round the wagons, is fucking amazing. Everyone should have friends like you, the world would be a happier place.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you all.

Now, to keep my mind busy, I'm thinking of a new blog assignment....
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But I haven't come up with yet, and I just sat here staring at the screen for a full 5 minutes. So, anyone got a good idea to get us writing?

Pic of Finished Tat (Lulu)

Ok so I should have done a little photo editing. I took the picture with my phone so it sucks but at least you get the idea.

Lulu's Ink De-Virginizing (Zaad)

Ok, Lulu's long awaited pictures are finally being posted. [Despite my angst and general hatred towards - well towards everything, here I am posting the former ink virgins pics....I am a good friend. HAHA]

Does this look like a girl who is excited to get her first tattoo? It looks more to me like a woman in total and complete fear. Or boredom, one or the other, I'm sure:

The obligatory pre-tat phase:

And this is obviously right before the needle approached her skin sending thousands of little pricks into you that feels somewhat akin to a knife being dragged across your abdomen:

But she actually did the best of us four. Which is no surprise because Lulu is physically BY FAR the toughest of the 4 of us. And even if she felt like it hurt like Hell, she wouldn't tell you just so she could keep that facade up:

And unfortunately, for some reason, we didn't take a picture of her finished tat, so this is the closest I have to show you. Her tattoo is of the cross that her late brother drew all the time before he died of leukemia as a teenager, 4 stars for us girlz, and 9 dots representing the yahoos. It came out great:

Tink Ink! (Zaad)

Ok, here's Tink's tattoo pictoblog. I'm officially calling her StinkerTink today because, well, she is a stinker. She is the master of avoiding being photographed. I literally did not have ONE photo that showed her actual FACE in the 40 or so pictures that we took.

I'm not kidding.

This is Tink and Chino. Chino did three of our tattoos, and really, he did a fanfuckingtastic job! And hey, surprise! Tink's not looking.

And this is the beginnings of her tattoo:

Oh look! Here she is getting the actual INK done by Chino, STILL not looking:

Having, by far, the most ink out of the three of us, I think that Tink made a very pretty contribution to her body with this one. (Not that her body, all 47 pounds of it needed additional art because it is so perfect anyways, but still....and really!? who fucking pops out three kids with no stretch marks anyways???)

The finished product: 4 butterflies for us girls (I'm blue..) and 9 stars.

Bex's Tat Pictoblog (Zaad)

Bex's pictoblog is by far the funniest. Don't believe me? Scroll down to see Bex in panicked pain. I, for one, cannot stop laughing every time I look at it.

This is Bex, pumped, ready and excited for her new tattoo. See the big smile?

And this is Bex flipping us off after we kept telling her how much it was going to hurt and how she was going to soon stop smiling:

And this is Bex, mid-tattoo, in panicked pain. I love it. I just LOVE it:

Bex had one of the coolest designs as you can see here when it was just under way:

And this is the beautiful finished tattoo. The yin-yang is for balance, the stars of for us four girls and the little stars represent the 9 kids. Now she is stuck with us FOREVA:

Zaad's Tat Pictoblog (Zaad)

So I am going to do the tattoo pictoblogs in the order in which we got inked so no one thinks that I'm playing favorites. Also, since there is so much work involved in uploading, editing, re-uploading, formatting, etc, I'll try and do at two today and two tomorrow.

[Oh, who am I kidding? I'd do mine first regardless. But it does just so happen that I went first.]

So here it is everyone:

Yes, this is me NOT looking at the preperation. I don't watch IVs or blood draws either. Because ew and really ew:

And this is the look the girlz got when they tried to tell me it wasn't going to be so bad. Yeeeeeaaaahhh right. I picked my foot, people. And I've done this before. I knew exactly how bad it was going to be. And I wasn't good at hiding the anxiety:

This is the drawing right before Chino started. That's right, I said Chino. As in: "Hi mom, I'm at a flea market getting a tat from a guy named Chino."

This is me still not looking, but hiding the pain rather well:

And this is the wonderful finished project. I love it, I absolutely love it. Four stars for us 4 girlz and 9 tails for our 9 yahoos.

I think it is stunning:

Thank You, Aunt Bex and Aunt Tink!!!! (Zaad)

The boys saw it installed for the first time today.

And yes, we played in the fucking rain.

Oh the joy.

Making the Rules (Lulu)

For 10 years my husband has pretty much ruled the roost and recently I have decided that it sucks!!!! So I started making some changes. When my son was a baby I was in a very abusive relationship where I let the man decide EVERYTHING for me. At the time I thought I was doing what was best for my son by putting up with the crap because I was very young and thought it would be worse for him if I was a single mom. Then I learned how wrong I was when the abuse trickled down to my boy. I quickly left the guy and vowed that I would never be in a situation like that again.

Now I have been married for 10 years and I realized that once again I have let a man decide everything for me. Now don't get me wrong....he has NEVER been physically abusive and I dont even think I would say he is emotionally abusive but he has this way of making me feel guilty about everything I do. When we get into an argument over something he has done that REALLY bothers me somehow, by the time we are done "discussing" the issue, I end up apologizing to him and trying to make him feel better.

A few weeks ago I decided I had had enough. I am tired of worrying about what makes him happy. I want to be happy for a change! So I finally told him just that. I have started being strong again and doing what I want to do. He has always decided exactly how the money is going to be spent (which is usually for some project he wants to do...or some trip he wants to take). Well NOT ANYMORE!!!! I put my foot down and booked a trip for myself, told him he is done with his projects for awhile unless he runs it by me first, I am putting some money into savings so that we wont struggle so much in the winter when we have no income, and I am getting something for the household that everyone gets to enjoy. And let me just tell you how great it feels to stand up for myself again. I also dont let him decided what I do on a daily basis. If I want to go somewhere and he doesn't I just leave him at home. I am also no longer at his beck and call for when he decides he has time for us. When I need him for something with the kids I tell him he has to be home. If he wants to spend time working on his car project he now has to check first and make sure that I don't need him to help run the kids to all there functions. The tables have turned and now I make the rules!

The surprising part is that his reaction to all of this is not at all what I expected. He has actually been great! We are having more family time and he is finally helping out around the house and with the kids. He has even started paying attention to what the rest of the house is doing and adjusting his work schedule so that he can be home when I need help! I no longer feel like a single parent. I actually feel like I have a partner! He even went out with Tink and I the other night and I had an absolute blast. He even told our biggest gray hair that Tink and I were so much fun to hang out with and that just seeing me smile so much made him soooo happy. Who knew that setting boundries and being a bitch would actually help my marriage.

I am not completely ready to say everything is perfect cuz he has been known to step up for a little while until he feels I am happy enough then he goes back to the old ways but maybe...just maybe....if I dont go back to being a doormat then maybe it will last! For now I am enjoying our time and taking it one day at a time!!