Need. Help. Now. (Zaad)

Ok Girlz. I'm doing it. I'm going on Match.com. In fact, I just came from there. I got stuck.

And I can't continue without help. Seriously. Here's where I stopped:

Describe yourself and your ideal match:

And then they give no less than 4000 character spaces to do so. Yeah, right. I was thinking I would just post my fucking blog address and be done with it, but then I figured no one would probably ask me out.

Kidding. I'm an awesome writer.

Well, apparently not. As 2Cents (Riley) would say: it looks like I've got *the writer's block,*

So. Start writing, please.

To My Girlz... (Bex)

I know these last few days have been rough for everyone...

I have been thinking a lot these days on what to do, how to make things right, and most of all how not to lose something that has been built...

I keep telling myself, it's not my "issue", don't get involved, blah, blah, blah...

But here's my two-cents anyway...

Some of us are offensive people, some of us are defensive people. Offensive people take their problem in their own hands and try to solve it; defensive people wait for the other person to attack and then only defend themselves...

I think the key here is to listen. Listen and actually hear what is being said. Admit fault if there is fault to be admitted and apologize. No person wants to be hurt and I feel like I can say no one wants to hurt someone else.

Friends care about one another... and make things right... no matter who is at fault, or who started it, or who they feel should do right first...
If you care enough about the other, make it right... There is too much love to be lost. We are all in this together...

It is amazing how much something so small, can get blown out of proportion, and how much it affects others that are not in the direct line of fire.

I love all you... and this is only my thoughts and posting a way to get them out... Take as you will!

My Rollercoaster (Lulu)

Its truly amazing how a persons emotions can change to so many different degrees in just one day. I started out the day feeling just ok. Not really sad but not really happy either. Then the kids woke up and my day became brighter! We had fun and we laughed and I was on cloud nine because this is how I want their life to be. I want them to be able to be kids and enjoy their freedom to play. I swear I could've danced the day away.

Then the realization hit home at some point that I was going to eventually have to face those mornings when my children wont be there to erase my so-so moods. Once I am divorced I will have to share my parenting time and I wont always be the one to tuck them in every single night (like I have from the moment each one of them was born) and I wont be the one always wishing them a good morning. I will have days when I am alone. And then set in the scared shitless mood.

Then my little gray hair started asking questions about what is going on between her daddy and I. I realized I finally had to tell her about the divorce. (I had already told my big gray hair a few days ago) She didn't cry or act sad. She was just concerned that Santa wouldn't know which house to go to...then asked if this meant she could finally get a cell phone (she's only 9) because some of her friends have cell phones because their parents are divorced. Of course I said no...and assured her that Santa would know which house to go to. Both my kids are actually pretty excited about going house hunting with me. That set in the shocked and surprised and relieved mood!!

Then the phone rang and it was Mike telling me he was almost done with work and would be on his way home. He hadn't come home since I asked for the divorce (yes he was respectful this time and said he wouldnt be coming home). Other than work (which we are able to keep strictly work thank goodness) I haven't seen him. Ok so here comes the nervous as hell mood!

The kids are in bed now after having an evening together with the four of us. Now the talking begins. The hurt shows in his eyes and it just kills me. I want so much to be able to take it away and say everything will be ok but I know that I am making the right decision. I know that we can't stay together just because he is hurting right now. So now I am in my strong mood...its the only way to get thru this.

He has decided to leave for the night again. I am sitting up alone. My thoughts are racing. And now I am in the sad mood where you just want to climb in a hole and never come out. I feel about 2 inches high and I feel I have failed because this is not where I wanted to end up in life.

I do know that tomorrow is another day and I will face it as always. For now I am allowing my moment of sadness because I also know that tomorrow I will have my moments where I want to dance and smile. And I will embrace those moments every chance I get!

Here's Where I'm At (Zaad)

I hate vague posts, but the people that need to know what this means will.

I don't want to fight.

• I find it disturbing to my wa and it affects my serenity too much to do it.

I don't want things to be weird.

• Friends should be able to move past things and still have each other's back.

I don't to talk about people or be talked about.

• This one should be obvious.

I am not in a good place right now. I am lonely. I am tired. It is hard to be alone and keep a house and parent by yourself. I rely on my friends for support and understanding and I want this to continue. I do not enjoy arguing and I don't want to do it anymore.

That being said, I am sorry for my part in any of this. And I mean that sincerely (since the written word cannot always communicate sincerity, that is my disclaimer). From here forward, I will not argue with anyone concerning petty things where, obviously, expectations were misunderstood by multiple parties.

If things cannot go back to normal, that is something that will make me sad for a long, long time. But for my part, I am going to try and move forward and continue my friendships, strengthen them when and where possible, and treat everyone with kindness and understanding. It is something that I have always tried to do, but I get that I'm not perfect, my best is all I can promise.

The past couple of days have been hard, and that's where I'm at now. I don't know what else to say or do. My heart is heavy and I hope this will pass.

My answer to Lu's question...(Bex)

This question is entirely too hard...

I gave it many a days thought and I don't know is the real answer.

Other than unemployed... never in a million years thought that would be the case...

I have somehow become or at least close enough, to what I have "dreamed". When I was say Mitchell's age, i think i wanted to be a doctor... and my best friend Sarah Jane wanted to be the first woman president... well i was a nurse, now i'm in law school, maybe i'll end up doing both our dreams...

I always knew I would be a mom, and I always knew that I would get what I wanted, if I worked hard enough... And I have: I have a wonderful family, a great husband, 2 beautiful boys, the best friends anyone can ask for, we have all the material things one could ever want: a house, transportation, the kids are spoiled...

so... I think I am living the dream,... now I just need a job.

Serious Frustration (Lulu)

I know we are doing the question thing....and I know I already posted my question for Bex...but I just gotta vent! If I don't I swear I will break something! Sorry for all the boohoo posts but it really seems to help me vent some and I figure if people dont feel like reading it they just dont have to!!!!

I have really been putting myself out there to fix this marriage. Even though EVERYTHING I ask for seems to be getting ignored! He says this is killing him and that he doesnt want this marriage to end....but then why does he seem to ignore everything I say!

The kids were gone for a couple of days and we tried to have a date night. It ended up being a night of complete silence...not to mention the fact that dinner was the only thing we did that didn't revolve around work (which I specifically said needed to be forgotten for the night because all we have become is work partners instead of marriage partners)!

I have tried communicating....I have tried to keep an open mind and push the hurt and angry feelings aside. We have both screwed up in this marriage and we BOTH need to work if we want to make it better! But tonight....tonight just PISSED me off!!

I thought we had a pretty good day (aside from the fact that he cant seem to take one day and forget work and chores)! Its Fathers Day...I know that its should be a dads choice for the day...but come on!!!! Shouldnt a dad want to spend the whole day with the family instead of doing chores and work! So anyway we had a little disagreement about that then moved on. We took the kids to the movies and saw Toy Story 3! It was so much fun. We even actually held hands during the movie! We laughed about a few things and spent the rest of the day together as a family. That was sooooo great!

All day he kept saying that the only work he had left to do was to run to the lot and move the rental trailers back behind the locked gates but that he was gonna wait till after the kids went to bed to do that. So I tucked the kids in bed and then we went outside to switch vehicles around...as I was trying to ask him about who had to leave first in the morning so that I would know which order to put the cars in he finally says "Oh well it really doesnt matter cuz I wasnt planning on coming home tonight"

SAY WHAT!!! Hold on....breathe....count to ten....don't blow up!

ME: Ok..."I take it you really werent going to tell me...so then I would worry about you and wonder if you are ok or not when ya dont show back up"

HIM: I really didnt think you cared all that much so what does it matter

Yep that was his response! He so does not get the mutual respect thing!! Just because we are having problems doesnt mean I dont care what happens to him! Not to mention the fact that this is soooooo not a 2 way street here! Why does he get to come and go as he chooses! Yes...I asked for a seperation....and he wouldnt give it to me....but that shouldnt mean that he can just not come home whenever he feels like it without having some consideration! And for those of you who know the whole situation you also know the other issues I have with this!!! I am sooo tired of those outsiders who only know his side of the story telling me that I need to try harder! I keep my mouth shut because I am trying to be respectful but it is getting harder and harder every day to do that when I am the only one giving respect and not receiving it in return!

Question for Bex (Lulu)

So....the kids and I were talking about their dreams for the future. It made me think about all the dreams I had as a kid. There were a few that I think about now and go....what the hell was I thinking!!!

So my question to Bex is this:

Think back to when you were a kid. What was one of your "dreams" that you had that is sooooo way off base from where you are now?

Career Choice (Lulu)

That one is actually pretty easy for me to answer. You guys know what a complete and utter number geek I am. I would love to be an accountant but not just some small time one. I would love to do the accounting for some huge ass company....maybe Bex's law firm when she gets HUGE and famous! Ok so wow...an accountant...you can all ooooohhhh and aaahhhhhh now over that majorly exciting career choice LOL!

Now for my question.....yeah its gonna have to wait till tonight cuz I have just spent the last 10 minutes staring at my computer screen and haven't come up with one yet!

Get Bloggin' (Zaad)

Ok. It's been too quiet. Let's do the question game. I'll go first.

Lulu: Other than a jeweler, if you could go back to 18, go to college and pick anything at all to study, what career do you think you would choose, knowing what you know now, at 29?

Drama (Zaad)

Don't get me wrong, I'm the same as everyone else: I don't mind a little drama here and there, no biggie, right?

What bugs the living shit out of me is when it happens due to shit that is out of my control, yet I still have a responsibility in cleaning up the mess. And let me tell you this: I am so tired of cleaning up dh's shit, you have no idea.

Ok, he lies, he manipulates, he doesn't care about anyone but himself, he doesn't respect me, and he sure as HELL doesn't give me credit for being a parent to OUR kids (the better one, if you ask me). But seriously?!

STOP FUCKING WITH MY FRIENDS.

So my mom, the G-ma, asks me today at dinner if the kids were going to Tink's all summer for sure, and I was like "Yeah, as far as I know, he said he asked his sister, but he said he'd get back with me and that was over a week ago." ..... And then I started to think: but this is dh. I'd better check, because you know, obviously.

And the conversation went like this [after I didn't get a reply to a txt asking "the boys ARE going to Tinks tomorrow, right?" AND I had to call twice]:

Me: Did you get my text?
Dh: Yes.
Me: ....and?
Dh: My sister said she could take the boys on Mondays, and on Tuesdays they can go to Tink's.
Me: But tomorrow is Monday, right?
Dh: Yup.
Me: So, they aren't going to Tink's tomorrow, they are going to your sisters?
Dh: Yup.
Me: And you weren't going to TELL me?
Dh:
Me: Thanks for letting me know. Call me when your company leaves. [click]

Obviously, Tink is pissed. And I don't blame her. I am pissed, too. More than pissed. She planned on 5 days, now she is getting 4. And to pour salt on it, he doesn't even tell us until the day before. Scratch that, he wasn't planning on telling us at all. If there is a Hell, I'm sure I have a good chance of going there, but dammitall Dh is earning a seat right next to the devil himself.

I have absolutely no energy left except to mutter this:

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

If you need me, I'll be the one rocking herself back and forth, mumbling, in the corner.

There Are No Winners (Lulu)

I asked for this seperation. I said I NEEDED this seperation. I need some time apart to get past the hurt...to get past the anger...and then maybe I can see if there is anything left to save.

How do I do that when he refuses to give me more than 2 days at a time. He informed me that he can't live that way. He said he needed to be at home. So he is here.

I don't want to fight...but I also cannot pretend that we are a perfect happy couple. He brought me a bouquet of flowers...but all I could think of was the fact that he has only done that when he has screwed up and is asking for forgiveness. He wants me to pretend that everything is ok...and I cannot do that. So instead I go about my business. I don't start a conversation...and I only speak back when he talks to me. He wants me to tell him how I am feeling...but I cannot. The kids are here...I cannot talk without crying...so therefor I just keep telling him "not right now...this needs to wait till later when the kids are in bed"

I am struggling to decided what I should or should not be doing. I want him to understand that this is just one more time where my wishes are being ignored. Its one more time when he is deciding what we should be doing. I know that at this moment he cant win...if he is being an ass then I would be pissed because he doesnt need to act that way...but this acting like we are happy isn't working either. I just cannot do it.

I'm lost....I'm confused...and I'm suffocating

Stupid Is As Stupid Does (Zaad)

What. The. Fuck. Is. Up. With. Stupid. People?!

They're everywhere. Everywhere, I tell you! And some of them probably even think I'm the stupid one. Poor misgudied morons. Today was a day full of idiocy, if you haven't caught on. Of course, if you haven't caught on, I'm probably talking about you.

My dad made me a sign. I keep it by my computer:

"Life's tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid." - John Wayne

I like to look at it. But I also think it could read equally as well like this: "Life's tough. It's even tougher if you have to manage stupid people's bank accounts."

Because, well, duh.

Anyways, aside from people thinking it is MY job to keep an eye out for THEIR over-spending, I was also dropped this bomb on me today: the new guy, we'll call him Trickster, tells us today that he is actually enlisted in the military. And leaving for basic training in September for TWENTY ONE WEEKS.

Wha????? What the fuck? All I could mutter was: Information that would have been useful anytime in the last MONTH WHEN WE WERE MAKING. THE. SCHEDULE. Grrrrrrrrrrrr. Because you know what this means???? This means that for most of September and most of October, I will be the ONLY BANKER at my branch. My boss will be on maternity leave.

And we can't HIRE help because neither is losing their job, although I'd like to fire the Trickster's ass if I could, because really!? I just got the help I needed and now you're telling I won't have that help anymore??? And I fought for this guy! I voted for him between the two very qualified applicants. I LIKE him. Or I DID.

Anyways, how are you all?

Who They Are (Lulu)

Let me tell you about my parents....AKA ShaMom & ShaDad!! Two of the most amazing people that anyone could ever meet. I am very fortunate to be able to call them my parents and I thank God for them every day!

My dad made a comment the other day about how I have talked to mom about my situation but havent talked to him. He wasnt mad about it....just that we always talked so he was curious what was different now that I hadn't come to him at all. That really made me think....

Growing up I was lucky enough to have 2 parents that I knew I could talk to about ANYTHING!!! They were not only my parents....but my best friends as well. I spent many nights sitting up talking to my mom and then calling my dad at work (he worked midnights) just to talk. So why was it so different this time? Why did I feel I needed my mother over my father? Then it really hit me....I do need them both but at different times and for different reasons.

To me my mother represents strength. Plain and Simple! I cant really explain exactly why...maybe its cuz we are both women, maybe its cuz how she handles things, I really dont know. Dont get me wrong...she is also full of wisdom....they both are, but I call her when I need to feel strong. When I am not sure if I can make it thru something I call her. She makes me feel like I can handle anything...no matter how difficult it is! Its not that I need to hear her say that I am either right or wrong in the choices I make...I just need to hear her voice and I feel 100 times stronger.

I go to my father when I need order. I dont mean the everything in its place type of order...I'm talking about those times when your feelings are all jumbled up and you dont know how to sort them all out and put them in line to figure out just how your feeling. He doesnt tell me what I should or shouldnt do. Its not like that. For some reason he seems to ask the right questions or make the right statements that help me to look inside myself. I don't always come out of it feeling like I have all the answers and I dont need it to be like that. I come out of it feeling like I have a little more perspective on what I'm thinking and that then I can sit down and address each feeling individually and start to deal with them and make sense of them. I know that when I talk to him he is going to be honest and blunt. There is no sugar coating and I love that. But sometimes I need my mother first so I can feel strong enough to handle those emotions before my father tells me like it is. They really are the perfect balance.

Once I have gotten my strength from mom and some order from dad then I can talk to both of them and really listen to their wisdom. Take in everything they say and then decide which direction I need to take in order to make my heart happy again. I love that they dont tell me that I have to do things a certain way...they just give me the wisdom to be able to decide for myself what I need. I quite often feel like the luckiest person on earth to have them in my life.

I love you mom and dad!!! For the 100th time....I'm sorry (cuz now that I'm a parent I find myself feeling I need to say that for all the crap kids put their parents thru), and thank you for just being you!!!