Speaking of Support (Zaad)

Holy fucking shit I love my Girlz.

We got a shit ton of work done today and I could not have done it without the help of Bex and Lulu. And I mean, I literally couldn't have done it without them: I couldn't lift half the shit nor would I have been motivated enough anyways without them.

Today we completely re-did the yahoos' room. We bought and put together 5 pieces of furniture, cleared out the room, arranged said furniture AND organized the entire fucking disaster area. And it only took 49 hours. HA, kidding. We worked for 7 hours straight but my back feels like it was working for 49.

And it looks fucking awesome. Thank you both so much. I know it was a lot of hard work and I really appreciate the help. No one kicks ass like my crew. And although I missed Tink being there, there probably wasn't enough room in the closet sized bedroom anyways.

So I will listen to you anytime Bex. It beats the Hell out of the manual labor I put you through today!!!!!!

Seriously.

Thank you Girlz

Thank you girlz...
For listening to me...

I feel like running away... I am tired of living with double standards, expectations that are not reciprocated...etc, etc, etc...

And don't worry, when I decide to RUN... I will at least let you know where I am headed, so you can meet me there!!!

Love you girls... You are truly the only support I have.


Bex

New Addition Update (Lulu)

Well we met the new siblings today! As soon as we walked in the door the little brother was immediately attached to my big gray hair. And he never left his side the whole time we were there. He even had a "to-do" list that he had made of all the things he wanted to do with his new big brother!

The new little sis is extremely shy so she just stared at him for a long time. Finally, about a half hour before we had to leave (and we had already been there for 3 1/2 hrs) she started opening up and having fun. It didn't help that my little gray hair is as equally quiet around new people so they pretty much leeched on to us mom's for most of the day.

As for the kids mom we also hit it off pretty quickly. It was kinda weird to talk to someone who had gone thru the same crap. Her outlook on life is so much like mine that it really makes ya think about how a situation really can shape who a person is. We did not dwell on the negative crap all that much...just talked about what we learned from it.

The similarities in the kids was almost scary. Wynter is 9 and she looks a lot like Cody. Valice is 8 and doesnt look as much like Cody but he acts a lot like what Cody did at that age. We also started talking about some of the things the kids have done and most of the time I sat there going "Holy crap! Cody did the same thing!!" She has had a lot of issues with the kids tempers just like I have had with Cody and it just makes you think some of it has to be hereditary.

All in all it was an absolutely amazing day! None of the kids wanted to say good-bye when it was time to leave. We had only been gone about a half hour when Wynter sent a message saying that she missed Cody already and that she cannot wait to see him again. I think this is going to be a good thing all the way around and quite frankly the mom and I have agreed that the dead beat dad doesn't need to be a part of any of this! He told so many lies to try and make sure we never got together and now that we have, well we are not going to let his lies do any more damage!

One Hard thing to deal with... (Bex)

Ok, I'm trying so hard, so hard, to keep my mouth shut...

But I find that lately I have to keep my mouth shut more than I am allowed to speak lately. I do so, so that I do not hurt anyone's feelings. Which means I have to keep my mouth shut even in my own house. I now have nowhere to speak freely.

Last night something was said that completely got to me... And what am I supposed to really do? If I express my feelings, then someone's feelings are going to get hurt. Is it selfish to release my feelings at the risk of anothers? An internal fight I have all too often lately. Is it fair that I sit with internal turmoil so that others can go about their lives as if all is good and happy? I seriously don't know what to do...

I find myself wishing I was in a different life... But I can't tell you whose life I wish I had... Cause although I want things to be different, I do know that the grass is not always greener on the other side... Sometimes buried beneath that greener grass is something worse, like grubs!

Any advice? Keep my mouth shut? Or speak my mind?

It really sucks not being 100% comfortable anywhere...

Sorry for the tirade... next time I post it will be positive...

Wait, I will end on a positive note... I really do like my new job (lets just hope it lasts!); I do love my husband and my children (even though they are ridden with their own faults!); At this time next year I will be studying for the Bar Exam; It's February, winter is almost over; And I think tomorrow, I am going to convince my husband to let me buy a new cell phone!!!!

Have a great weekend everyone....Just pay your bills before you spend your money frivolously!!!

New Addition to the Family (Lulu)

So my big gray hair just found out he has a brother and sister that his biological father never told him about. He found out through facebook and it went something like this:

Girl: Hey you do not know me but I am a cousin of your brother and sisters

Cody: You must have the wrong person cuz I only have a sister

G: No you have a brother and sister, you just haven't met them yet

C: Are you sure?

G: Yep their dad is Steve, the same as yours

At this point my big gray hair proceeds to start jumping up and down screaming "Oh my gosh! I have a brother and another sister!

So after looking further into it I discovered that it is true. I have actually spent quite a bit of time talking to the kids mother. Apparently she has known about my boy all this time but was too afraid to contact us. Cody has not seen his biological father since he was 3 years old, nor have any of us really had any contact with him in more than ten years. She was really afraid of upsetting any life Cody had. Cody did talk to him briefly over facebook last year but the ASSHOLE never bothered to tell him that he had siblings.

Needless to say we are going to meet them in about two weeks. His new sister is 9 and his new brother is 8 and they are just as excited to meet us!

It is a bag of mixed emotions for me. I am excited for Cody but at the same time it is so hard to hear that the jerk did the same thing to her and her kids that he did to me. First he is all sweet and treats ya real great. Then the kid (or in her case kids) are born and then he does a complete turn around. He abused her just like he did me. He neglected the kids just like he did Cody. She actually had it much worse than me because she was much younger then I was (Let's just say that Steve should be in jail right now!) My heart just aches for the kids and for her. I know what he was like when I was with him and I would never wish that on anyone. It took me a lot of years to get passed so many things. There are some things I do not think I will ever get past.