Surprise Passenger (Lulu)

I am reaching that crossroad in my life when I have to decide which way to take (see "The Crossroad"). It completely sucks but yet in some ways I already feel freer knowing that I am facing it and am that much closer to solving the question. It is definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I always thought that losing my brother would be the hardest thing but I didn't have choices in that. There wasn't the worry about whether or not I was doing the right thing. I look around right now and know that all the pain my husband and kids are feeling is because of the choice I am making. Don't get me wrong....I know that the kids were hurting before I made the choice to separate from my husband but it was in a different way. My girlz are helping the kids and I through this tho....like I said in my crossroads post....they are riding shotgun and have already had to pull out the umbrellas.

I did not expect to have a surprise passenger tho...The Pot-Stirrer. Bex had told me I could come over yesterday after the "family picnic" I had with the husband and children. I really didn't want to step in on their family time because things are finally going so good for the two of them....but Jeff had told Bex it would be fine...so I did. It turned out to be the best evening EVER!!! The kids laughed and played. Bex, Jeff, and I worked on the patio. But what amazed me was the way he was with my kids. He was patient, understanding, and most of all FUN!!! Never once did I feel like I was imposing on their time. When the evening was coming to a close he even invited the kids and I to come back over today for the BBQ they were having with some of his family. It wasn't the typical throw it out there invitation that most husbands give to their wives friends...it was genuine and sincere.

We went back over today and it was great. At one point I got a phone call that upset me quite a bit. I just wanted to forget the situation for just one day but of course that couldn't happen. But Bex and Jeff were so great! I was actually done sobbing in less than 15 minutes (i think anyways) and back to the festivities. I really don't know how I would've made it thru the weekend without them. So thank you Pot-Stirrer and Bex for the great weekend and for helping my kids laugh despite it all!

In a Funk (Zaad)

Ok, this hasn't happened in a long time, but I think I may be falling into a funk.

My mind knows better than to let dh, Jenny, or any other person, place or thing get to me like this, but my heart - well I guess that's another story. I do not like who I am right now. I feel cynical, angry, maybe a little depressed and it's scaring me.

Normally I am able to pull myself out of this by changing the tape in my head, and that is what I'm trying to do. But it isn't really working. Not yet anyways. And the reason I know its bad is because I have not been relishing my alone time. Since I moved into this house, the days that I spend by myself are usually a welcome reprieve from life and stress.

But right now, when I'm alone, I have not been able to shut off the voices in my head. And I haven't been able to change them either. And don't get me wrong - I recognize this and know what to do to move on - it's just either not working or taking longer than usual. And the reason that scares me is because I fear the black hole of depression more than death itself.

You all know what happens if I fall back into that hole: I will isolate, I will avoid my friends, AA, I will dread work (more than usual) and I will be short tempered with the boys.

I have stayed out of that hole for 3 years, I am NOT going back. Period.

I am posting today on this blog simply because I know all 3 of you understand and it seems like the right place to pour my heart out right now. Plus without you guys, I would be in that hole already.

It's totally retarded, too, because the things that are getting me down aren't nearly as bad as the events of the entire last year. But I guess I'm usually strong through the major things and then the small shit ends up getting to me. It makes no sense. My plan is to keep trying to be positive to myself, keep writing to get this shit out of me, and above all, stay in close contact with my friends and family.

I'm not scared I'll drink (simply because of the throwing up aspect) but I guess, as it turns out, I can get down without having a relapse.

Oh well. That's where I'm at today, guys. I'll see you all tomorrow at Girlz night. Right now I'm going to finish painting my nails... and toenails (that's for Bex, who is probably just as concerned about my fingers and toes matching as she is about my psyche, LOL. Seriously).

Thanx Bex! (Lulu)

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. My husband and I are seperating. It was my choice, not his....and we had to tell the kids! I needed my girlz more than ever. My kids needed the girlz and the kids more than ever. So we all went to the beach.

It had to be a hard day for Bex.....Tink, Zaad, and I all had really bad days and lets just say that our moods were not the greatest! Ok thats an understatement....Take the worst storm you can think of and then realize that compared to us it would be nothing more than a slight sprinkle! We just couldnt seem to let go, or forget, for even just a little while.

Bex kept me from going over the edge. She worked her ass off to try and bring each one of us out of our funks. I just kept thinking...my god this just isnt fair for her...and bless her heart for putting up with it all and working so hard to make us smile...even if its a brief smile. Every time I would get to the point that I would start thinking that maybe I should just grab the kids and go home and cry she would pop up with something that helped to distract me. My favorite was when we were all laying there and next thing ya know we are all getting squirted with a big water gun! Now that one woke me up!!!

By the time we all left I was actually feeling a lot better. Ok maybe not better but stronger! I actually feel a little more confident in my decision to seperate from my husband. I saw that despite the pain they were feeling over the seperation the kids were still able to laugh and smile. When we got in the truck to come home my big gray hair looked me in the eye and said "Thanx mom, I had a lot of fun, and I needed that!" I know its going to be hard...but I also know that in the end it will all be ok. No matter what ends up happening between my husband and I, the kids will be ok.

So thank you Bex for listening, advising, smiling! You put up with A LOT of shit yesterday from the three of us! And you still walked out the door stating that you would be home and available if any of us needed it. Most people would have turned tail and run!

The "Story" Zaad dangled!!!

ok funny story...

Back in high school... I got "caught" having sex with my high-school boyfriend (who happens to be Itchy's dad)...

Now by getting caught, I mean, we were hanging out in my bedroom...

And my Dad says "Rebecca, step into my office." (which was never a good sign)(And was the bathroom, mind you...)
I go into the bathroom, and he says "Is this yours?"
And would you believe it, there was a condom floating in the toilet...
To which I reply, "Well, not technically..."

He was very calm, I did not get "reprimanded"; but, I was forced into telling my mother that I was "sexually active" and had to go on birth control...

It was horrifying!!! But looking back... Now, I find it one of the funniest stories of my high school years!!!

Dude, Let Me Tell You a Story! (Zaad)

This one time, at band camp:

Bex and her boyfriend were caught... well... nevermind.

She's been through enough. I'll tell y'all in a couple of months.

*tee hee*

Motherhood Ups and Downs (Lulu)

This is why I call Cody my BIG gray hair!!! Yes I know that he is 16.....and yes I DO remember what its like to be that age.....but that doesnt mean I am ready for what that age brings!!!!

So he has his girlfriend over and my little gray hair is being a pest, as usual, and wont leave them alone....so he asks if they can go into his room. Of course I lay down the rules about the door having to be open and all that cuz again....I do remember those days!!! After awhile I notice that it is just wayyyyy to quiet! She's a jabber jaws just like I am so I know that if I cant hear her talking then something else must be occupying her time.

I walk into his doorway and what do I find? The 2 of them in the middle of a realllllly heavy makeout session...(yes the clothes were still on for the 100th time). I just cleared my throat and watched them jump to opposite sides of the room! I know this is normal for the age and all but that doesnt make it any easier for a mother to witness!!! But I do try to be one of those parents who doesnt fly off the handle over those things cuz then what....oh yeah he'd just clam up and never talk and I would never have a clue about my kid!

So I did the best thing I could think of to do.....

Let the embarrassment be punishment enough!! I told ALL the girlz (or otherwize known as all the moms) and now he knows he's gonna get harrassed by them ALL!!!! hehehe I really loved that part of it all! And of course I really enjoyed all the sucking up he's doing now!! He still cant look me in the eye without turning 100 shades of red! I never yelled or showed that I wanted to cry cuz my baby is growing up.

I soooooo dont think I am ready to deal with any more stages.....can we just stop time and never let them grow?

Will Someone Please Write Something????? (Zaad)

I happen to know for a fact that you all have a lot to write about.

So.....

Anyone??

I DID IT (Zaad)

I am ready for Emerson's birthday party. I cleaned the house, got the yard ready, did the shopping, and I even ordered the cake in plenty of time! Possibly, even, I am ready for supermomdom.

bwahahahahahahaha....riiiiiiiggggghhhhht.

Who am I kidding? I don't even WANT the job.

But I can't wait! So I'll see you all tomorrow, and I hope you all comment on how nice my bushes - scratch that ('cuz that's just weird) - my BOXWOODS look.

Oh, and btw, Shamom, if you're still in town, PLEASE COME!

Ugh... Therapy (Bex)

All I can say is that sometimes in life, you are forced into "therapy"...

I am not one who enjoys telling a complete stanger all of my life, my problems, etc... Seriously makes me uncomfortable. Yet, right now I am being forced into this... I am actually waiting to leave my house to put myself through this torture...

Ugh... I mean really, people, I have therapy sessions once a week at least, with my girls, with whom I am comfortable talking to and completely honest with... as they are with me!

So, who needs this structured, stranger-induced, therapy?

UGH!!!

Master Manipulator (Zaad)

First of all, I know it's been a quiet week. Bex has been through some tough shit lately, and I know we have all been...well...pre-occupied with that stuff and haven't written much. And I will leave it up to her to decide what and when she wants to write about it.

But we need to get back to posting! Our fans (all two of them) have been deprived. So I'll start:

Well, I think I figured it out. You girlz know what I've been going through with dh, and how conflicted I've been about this whole divorce/missing him thing. But I am fairly sure I'm over it. Or, at least, how to get over it when those feelings creep back in.

I have been getting fooled. I have been falling for the same trick that used to drive me insane when I was married to dh: I miss the guy that dh ACTS like he is to everyone else. He is such an expert at acting like he is perfect that I nearly had myself convinced that he is/was.

But you know what?? HE'S NOT. He is still selfish, still obsessed with money and still only thinks about himself (and the yahoos...). He is just so damn good at ACTING like he is God's gift to this world that everyone, including me starts to believe he is.

After having dinner with him it finally dawned on me. And it took a comment to really bring me full circle at this realization. When discussing where he may move to, he actually commented that "he may just buy a house with cash, or rent, I don't know..."

BUY A HOUSE WITH CASH? You can do that?! Whatever. I mean: WHAT THE FUCK EVER. This from a guy who is *broke.* Who gives me *a third of his income* so he can't afford to do anything. Who lives RENT FREE in a house he is willingly WALKING AWAY FROM. And you can't get the boys haircuts??? Really? Really????

This frustration is strictly on the down low, though. There is no need for me to bitch about this to him, or fight about money with him. It is what it is.

I am still grateful that we can co-parent. I am still glad that we can get along. But if and when those old doubts and feelings creep back in, I'd really appreciate it if y'all could just say: Hey, Zaad, he's a cheap ass liar, remember?

Thanks, and just sayin'.

Gratitude (Bex)

What a long, exhausting week. All I can say is Thank You Girlz...
You are the best.

I can only hope that everyone has the friendship that we have!

A Nice Mothers Day (Lulu)

I have to start by saying....I love my kids....including the ones that aren't really mine but call me mom anyways!

So I woke up Sunday morning...SICK! yep thats right I was sick. Not exactly how you wanna spend mothers day. But it did turn out to be such a nice day. My kids DO love me. Not only did they pick out the best cards but they actually cleaned house and did ALL their chores without a single argument. My big gray hair never once got that teenage tone that he so often does and my little gray hair never whined once! For them thats a huge feat! They even got along and didn't argue. What more can a mother ask for on Mothers Day.

To top it all off my big gray hairs best friend had spent the night. So I get them up in the morning and tell them its time for JC to go home and that we have to start the day. As JC is walking out he actually hands me a mothers day card....AWWWWWW! Being the sentimental sap that I am I actually got teary eyed. It was such an awesome day.

Funny Story (Bex)

So Pooh, whose 4, and Itch, whose 9, are wrestling and rough-housing. Pooh gets hurt and starts crying and the Pot-Stirrer is trying to get to the bottom of what happened. When Pooh Yells, "I'M TRYING TO BE A MAN!"

To which Pot-Stirrer and I look at each other, and yes we both heard correctly... and we try to wait to laugh until Pooh walks away...

Then the boys start at again, and Pooh starts whining again, and Itch says, "I THOUGHT YOU WERE TRYING TO BE A MAN!!"

At which point i started laughing!

Girlz Night at Dead Fish Beach

How can you not love having Girlz Night at the beach (or as tink would say...at the waaater cuz she refuses to call it a beach)! Everyone had so much fun and my little gray hair melted my heart when she was playing and I heard her say "This was the best day ever for going to the beach!"

I do want to say to the girlz that I really did appreciate your concern when each one of you asked me if I was ok. I really was. I was just in one of those moods where your not yippee skippee happy but not sad or mad either. I was actually in a mood of deep thought. I was listening when all of you were talking but for some reason my responses to you disappeared before they made it out of my mouth. At one point I was looking around at all of the kids and I couldn't help but take in each little giggle or roaring laugh that I heard from them. Part of me was also sad that 2 of our kids weren't there to share in the fun. I missed them.

Looking at each picture just made me appreciate all of you! Can't wait to spend more nights at the beach.....and I promise to try and not be in such deep thought next time LOL!

don't ya just love Tink's new hairdo!!

Julie & Lea love to have fun!! They are such goofballs!

I actually had to make Meghan stop moving for this one!

Cody thinks he is soooo cool!

Mitchell moved to fast for me to get a face shot but he did lay down for about 2 whole seconds for this one.

Reese had more fun playing in the dirt hole

Of course Paige melted Zaad's heart when she came right up and chose to sit with her!!

Spring Cleaning (Lulu)

How is it that even though I have spent ALL day cleaning....I actually feel good!

My house has been trashed and I finally put my foot down and told the ENTIRE family that by Sunday night this whole house will be clean. I gave them all a list and then gave the gray hairs a choice.
1. Play all day Friday and Saturday but come Sunday their butts were mine and they were gonna get the list done if it killed them.
OR
2. Work a little each day then the list could be finished on Sunday

I said either way I dont care just as long as it all gets done. So the big gray hair decides to play till Sunday. Lets just say he now knows what its like to work your ass off! The little gray hair was smarter and chose to work a little each day so it wasnt so bad.

But now my house is clean (I'm talking washed walls and everything) and it feels so damn good!!! I even managed to throw away 3 outside garbage bins full! Now I get to sit and relax and enjoy the clean house...at least till tomorrow when the gray hairs and the husband mess it all up again LOL!