Come On, Girls! (Zaad)

So, we haven't written in a while and instead of bitching, I figured I'd just write.

I know that I am not always motivated to write on here because I like to keep my peeps updated on my own blog, (I wouldn't want to start a riot with my tens of followers or anything, heh) and one can only do so much writing.

Or, rather, I can only do so much writing.

*sighs* *needs a good topic* *writer's block sux ass*

When I don't have anything to write about, I usually start a gratitude list, but today I am going to use work as my fallback. 

Lately, it feels like my branch is forming into a family.  I love it.  It's always hard to start at a new branch, and in my field, I'm what we call a *branch jumper*- I switch around a lot.  Some of it is intended, some of it is not.  Just when I get really comfortable where I'm at and start to love the ones around me, I move.

This time it has taken much longer than usual, but it's probably due to the fact that my old manager and I were like long lost soul sisters.  It has made connecting with my new manager much more difficult than I expected.  Because while I don't say it, obviously what goes through my mind is a lot of *omg, Amy would never do/be/act like that*.  But - things have really done a 180 and it's a relief.

So, what changed?  Well, among having the best BFAW [best friend at work] ever, and having some work peeps over for game night, it really helps that I am dating a customer.  A customer that, IN FACT, went INTO MY BOSS'S OFFICE and asked if HE COULD DATE ME.

YEP.

After spending about 20 minutes my boss's office, during which I started sweating and shaking [mainly because I am not really sure if dating a customer is ALLOWED even, and I really thought my boss was going to angry with me] TJ left the office, and left the branch - without even looking at me.

He did it on purpose of course, he knew I was dying and wanted to know what was going on, so he probably had one hell of a chuckle to himself as he walked out.  Ten seconds later, my phone rings, and of course, Marc [jackass teller next to me] jumped to answer it, laughing his ass off: "Boss wants you in her office, Sarita."

UGH.

"Shut the door."
"You know, this feels a lot like when I was growing up and my dad would say *step in my office....*"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yep.
"So, is there anything you'd like to tell me?"
"Not really."
"How's Tim?"
"Who?"

Ok, so she finally starting laughing, said it was fine, and I started breathing again.  What followed was a really sweet conversation where she gave me advice, I listened attentively, she told me her opinions, I thanked her for not firing me, etc. etc.

All in all, it ended up being a real bonding moment.  I think that she now feels somewhat like my bank mom and likes it.  Almost like we have been searching for something to bond over, but on a personal level, we just haven't had ANYTHING in common.  But now we do, she's know TJ for years. 

Even if TJ and I don't work out, it's kind of cool that my boss and I are closer now.  This happened over a week ago and I didn't feel like writing about it in case I was imagining it, but in the past week, my boss and I have laughed and joked together more than we have in the previous 6 months. 

It's a good thing.

Just sayin'.

A Boss that Cares (Lulu)

I have always been the little guy at any job I have had and lets just say that my idea of "corporate" was not a very nice one.  I always had the idea that the big CEO's sit in their pretty little offices and that they have no clue what goes on in the little guys life nor would they even know who any of them are.

I had a incident that happed recently that turned that image around for me.  I love the company I work for and I love what I do.  But up until the other day I never realized that there are still a few CEO's who actually care about what happens in the lives of their employees.

I was the victim of a scam and on payday my bank account got wiped out.  As with everyone else in the world...I live paycheck to paycheck.  Not having that money meant that bills weren't gonna get paid and I wasn't going to be able to put food on the table while my kids were there.  Needless to say I lost all sense of hope and actually broke down at work in tears.  My manager called me into her office to find out what was going on so I told her.  At the end of the day she again pulled me in the office and told me that she had talked to the big guy (giving only minimum details) and asked what they should do.  His response..."Write her another check"

I was so blown away

The thing is, is that it does not stop there.  While I was at work the next day my big gray hair actually tried to call the CEO of the company to thank him.  Of course he could not get through to him but left a message anyways.  I was so proud of him.  As soon as he told me he did that my head went through the whole thoughts of....1. uh yeah kid, first of all it's the big guy so of course you wouldn't be able to actually talk to him.  2. It's a Saturday so of course you wouldn't reach him.  3.  The big guy will probably never get the message and even if he does why is he going to pay any attention to some kid of some employee.  Of course I never said that to Cody but I thought it.

BOY WAS I WRONG!!!

Yesterday my son received a letter in the mail, written and signed by the big guy himself, telling him he had gotten his message and that he was blown away that a teenage boy took the time to call his mothers employer just to say thank you.  He said the nicest things to my son and it touched my heart.  Not only that but he included a $50 gift card to Outback Steakhouse with a sticky note that said "here you can take your mom out to dinner". 

I am proud to say I work for a boss who actually cares about the little guys.

My kids (Lulu)

Tonight was a night filled with sappy moments between my kids and it makes me realize just how lucky I am to have the kids that I do.


So this is my big gray hair.

And this is my little gray hair.

Yeah they have their moments, and yeah they can surely drive me crazy, but tonight I feel blessed.

We had such a great night bowling and we even took my son's girlfriend along.  Even with her there my son made sure and took the time to help his little sister.  He would go up there and coach her on ways to throw the ball.  He would cheer for her when she actually got a pin or two down.

At one point we were all laughing and she just stopped and looked at me and said "I am so lucky mom.  I have the best brother in the whole world."  She kept going up to hug him and he would hug her back. 

I don't know about any of you but that is NOT how I remember things with my brothers.  Our time spent together usually ended up with someone bleeding.  And you would NEVER catch any one of us admitting that we actually loved each other.

I almost started getting teary eyed (yes girlz, I know, that doesn't actually take much) when his girlfriend was telling me about how last week when they were at their dads he actually told her they had to put the phone call on hold because he needed to go tuck his sister in.  That has been the hardest thing for me with the divorce because I have tucked them in every night since they were born.  Knowing that he takes care of her and does it for me seems to make it a little better.

I couldn't ask for anything more right now.

The Break Up Kit (Zaad)

I did it.

I broke up with JD. :(

But I was prepared with my break up kit <- over there, first.  It was already pointed out to me that I forgot smokes and Diet Pepsi, but trust me, it's all right here next to me.

Bex was here for moral support (thanks, btw) and I was able to get through the horribleness of breaking up with someone.

I hated hurting him.  But I know in my heart it was the right decision.  I know this because, inside, I feel mostly relieved.  The pain I am feeling is mostly from feeling bad that I hurt him.  And I loved that he fit in so well with my friends and family.

If only he *got* me.... 

But he didn't, and I couldn't make him understand. 

I do want to say a big fat thank you to all 3 of my Girlz for being here for me.  Your texts and support mean so much.  I always know that I am never really alone.  I am lucky in that way.  And of course, to have my sister here was beyond helpful.  I was literally shaking.  I gave him the option of talking in person, but he just wanted me to say what I had to say and get it done with.

I told him the truth:  that I didn't feel that he and I were going to work;  that I felt like he needed to get his life together, on his own, and I couldn't have the pressure of making everything ok for him.  HE needs to do that.  I told him that everything felt like way too much for me;  that he wants a different type of relationship than I do.  I couldn't say much more than that, except that I was extremely sorry.  Because I am.

He's already been here to get his stuff.  It was extremely awkward.  But, now... now I am eating candy.

Am I EVER going to find someone that loves me as much as he did, yet gets me?  Am I ever going to find someone that can go at just the right pace?  Not too slow, not too fast, just normal?  Am I ever going to find someone who is both awesome and wants me for who I am? 

I'm not going to change.  I mean: hopefully I will always continue to grow and change and learn, but I'm not going to change who I am inside.  Not really.  I am who I am. 

Just sayin'.

Dude. Boys Suck. (Zaad)

Ok, so honestly, Bex is going through more shit than me right now, and I get that, but dude, seriously, BOYS SUCK. And due to our very real and very frequent history of *sympathy feelings*, this could all, indeed, be HER fault.

[Don't even get me started on the other day when my bladder actually hurt and I had a spot of BLOOD in my urine at the EXACT moment when she was getting a CAT scan on her bladder done and she literally thought she peed her pants.  STOP messing with my wa (or my vagina), Bex!  It's really weird.]

So it's possibly due to the fact that her and Jeff are fighting that I feel like this. However, right now, I feel like BOYS SUCK.  JD is great and all, and perhaps maybe he's right and I'm not all that great, but at least I know my faults and fucking apologize if and when I EVER even THINK I may have hurt his feelings.   Why are guys so different?  Why is saying you're sorry either 1. unheard of or 2. even difficult at all??

If you're a douche, than you get to apologize.  If you don't want to EVER be wrong, you're on a hard, tight line that you will fall off of.  Because I know ONE thing for absolute certain, I will NOT be starting any relationship whatsoever with double standards of any kind.  Period.  That's the God's honest truth.  I have learned that you teach people how to treat you and if you accept certain behaviors and double standards in the beginning, than you'd better be ready for it for the long haul.

OBVIOUSLY the honeymoon is over.  Whether JD wants to be a part of my life is entirely up to him right now.  Currently, I think he is so prideful and so into *me* being the one to say I'm sorry, that he JUST MAY be stubborn enough to shoot himself in the foot with this one. 

And for something so stupid, really.  But, in this instance, it really is the principle of the matter and I'd rather be alone than feel like I'm settling for double standards.

Your turn, Bex.

Just sayin'.

At one moment... I thought I was going to die... (Bex)

Ok, I had such an odd morning...

I was supposed to go to my make-up class this am... But as usual I was running late this morning, so last minute I decided that I was going to do the other errands I had to do in Oakland County. (The mediation training I had done needed some paperwork, before they could schedule my practicum... AND I still needed to do my Ward visit for my guardianship review.)

As part of one of my classes, we do Guardianship reviews. (For those of you who are unfamiliar... Guardian is the person looking after the ward; Ward is the incapacitated individual; the reviews are done yearly by a 'court officer', today that 'court officer' was me!)

So just to preface this correctly... I did not know what type of apartment complex this was that I was walking into... (senior living, mental disability, etc...) I did not know why the ward was incapacitated... (physically, mentally, etc...)

So the ward meets me in the lobby and asked, "so do you want to go to my apartment or sit down here?" And actually I needed to go to the apartment to "observe" his living situation. So as we were walking to his apartment... down several long hallways, and up a set of stairs, he says, "we should take the stairs because they will wonder why I have a woman in my apartment and it will be safer for you." And I looked around, nobody was out in the hallways... So, I blew it off, he seemed quite "normal" and I still couldn't figure out what his "disability" was... Most of the talk has been pretty "normal".

Then we go into the apartment and as I'm sitting down in the chair he has pulled out for me... He is folding and placing a rug next to the door to cover the light/sound from the hallway... "Now, a little voice is saying, Ok little odd, maybe not safe... Nah, he seems harmless..."

Then we start talking and shortly I discover what his disability is... with these statements that he made to me during the conversation:
1. I was abducted many times and raped when I was an infant...
2. I started seeing a psychiatrist, and I know now that my father was not one of the men lined up to rape me when I was an infant, it was someone that just looked like him, a lot like him...
3. One of my sisters is an imposter, I could tell in high school...You know how you can tell when one is working and the other is not...
4. By the way, did you know about my injuries... The cannibals got a piece of my skull, I have (a lot of misc) broken bones in my face, and an X shape fracture in my face...
5. They have abducted and doped me up a lot and made me do things and lined up to rape me and there were people watching from the window...
(Yes at this point, I started to think... Oh my god, this is it, this is were I am going to die... he was harmless, never made any move or anything ... just scary delusions that I didn't want to be a part of!)
6. I was seeing a girl whose ex boyfriend just out of jail for murder and he is trying to kill me and there was a witness that lived across the hallway and they said she moved out, but I don't think so...
7. (My favorite!) They call this psychosis, but I don't think so, those people are too evil and real...

At this point, I kindly made my exit as quickly as I could... It was weird because even though he told me so many details of these obvious delusions, we did have numerous periods of conversation that felt so "normal" (like talking about the date, weather, going grocery shopping, ...).

As I was walking out of the apartment he pointed out his "sound-makers"... These were items that he propped against the door so if anyone tried coming in when he was sleeping, he would wake up (they included a big box, sticks for either side of the door, and a screwdriver for the top of the door)

He was truly a pleasant man to speak with... but for any of you who know me, I don't know how to handle "insanity". It took everything in my body to not laugh, because when I'm that uncomfortable that's how I can handle things... Ok sometimes, and this happened to be one... I wanted to laugh... Is this man for real or is he really fucking with my head?????

I made it out safely... But rest assured, If and when I do another one... I will take someone with me!!!

Hope you all have a safe day/night!

OMG... The end IS near!

Ok, Ok, Ok...

So I was doing my routine check of the numerous emails (ha, ha) that I receive... And this one was in my Inbox today...

Dear Rebecca *******:

We are drawing nearer to the day when your law school career will be complete! The commencement ceremony for the Marion M. Hilligan class will be held on Saturday, January 21, 2012 at 3 p.m. at the MSU Auditorium in East Lansing.

HOLY SHIT. Is this really happening? Is there really an end to this "hell"? Ok, this semester (the last semester) has actually been fun and exciting and new. But I actually have a graduation date? I never really felt that this day would come.

And then what? Ok, so then take the Bar Exam... and then what? Be a lawyer? ME?

Today I actually finished the State Court Administrative Office (SCAO) Mediation Training. (I still have to do the 40 hour practicum) But now I can technically be a Mediator. And tomorrow I have 2 client interviews for my Estate Planning Clinic, where I am a Student Attorney and actually representing these clients. It's really kind of an exciting time right now (as far as school and learning is concerned).

Thank you girls who responded to my email tonight... It meant a lot. I was really excited when I got it and then really disappointed that the person I live with didn't share in my excitement... (for whatever reason, he may be sick, and then he just might not care... who knows nowadays...). So when Tink and Zaad responded in excitement it was kind of cool to share... And sorry Tink about the rampage that ensued about the disappointing spouse! Thanks for being there!

Hope you all have an exciting Saturday morning like I hope to have!

Alone and Angry

I am so frustrated...

Why is it that when I am not working, I get treated like a roommate he doesn't like?

I know he has been under stress at work and we have many different issues/ stressors related to finances... And when he asked me (almost desperately) to take care of a few issues, ones that I really didn't want to handle (like talking to the builder of our house about renewing our land contract) I took on "the projects", to alleviate his stress on the homefront. And yet, the "bad mood" persists.

The "bad mood" started when we got home from the Girlz Camping weekend and continues yet today. It ranges from nasty comments about the music or tv shows I like, to pissing and moaning about football practice (that he doesn't even have to go to) to leaving trash and dirty clothes on the tables and floors to not eating dinner if I cook something he doesn't want to eat to saying snide comments about my friends or turning the tv up so loud on Girl Night that we can't hear each other talk...

And I don't know what to do... I tried confronting him nicely last night with the... "Are we ok?" "I know your are under stress, but it's starting to feel personal" And all I got was "We are fine."

And he sleeps every moment that he is not working. I mean he is either working at work, working at home, or sleeping. My brakes are so bad they are grinding and I feel unsafe in my car, and I have asked 3 times to take care of it... And that started week and a half ago. And yet my brakes are still not done and he was sleeping before I put the kids to bed (on a school night).

I know I need to address this... but I am so angry I don't know where to start.

And so alone.

A Day for ME! (Lulu)

So for the first time in a VERY long time I have had a day just for me.  I am finally learning to embrace this whole being alone thing and I actually enjoy it (ok so I wouldn't want it ALL the time but a day here and there is great).  After the way things have been lately I needed it.

Work has been completely overwhelming and I have been working a shit-ton of hours.  Part of me feels very honored that my boss thinks so highly of me and keeps giving me new things to do but the other part of me feels as though it is just too much. She keeps saying "I want you to start doing this because I am tired of it getting messed up and I want it done right"  The only problem is that all the of the deadlines do not mesh very well and by Wednesday I was almost in tears.  I talked with one of the girls for awhile about it and it definitely made me feel better.  By Friday I had organized myself better and I think I have it under control at least.  I can manage what I have but if my boss asks for more I am just going to have to tell her I cannot take on any more.  Luckily she is the type of boss who understands and would rather you say something.

I decided yesterday that I was leaving work on time and that I was just going to enjoy my weekend.  I do not have my kids so there isn't anything I have to tend to with them.  Topher is gone for the weekend so we wont be going out or doing anything.  And I didn't have to work so this weekend is for me!

A girl I used to work with came over last night and we watched a movie.  It was so great to just sit back, have a drink, and just chit-chat!  I had planned on sleeping in but apparently my body doesn't realize that I didn't have to be up at the butt ass crack of dawn for once, so of course by 7am I couldn't just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling anymore so I started my day.  I got some house cleaning done and played on the computer.  I walked around Meijers with Bex for a bit and even spent some time on the phone chatting with my kids.  I love that they call me even when they are with their dad.  It really helps me get through the week without them.  We have such a good time when we are together and I am enjoying them tremendously.  It's hard to say goodbye at the end of our week.  I don't feel as though I need a break or anything.  Tomorrow they come home and I cant wait!!!!

The Single Life No More (Zaad)

Ok.  I write every day, well almost, so it's really no biggie to start posting over here once in a while. Again.  As long as its a joint effort.  [That sentence fragment was my rant.  JSYK.]

Let's see.

So far, I am having a wonderful weekend.  It is just over half way done and JD and I have spent almost the entire time together.  We spent last night at his house with his son and daughter.  He has a great relationship with his teenage son and I really respect that.  It was refreshing to see.  Today, we went to the batting cages with him [where I watched - even though I wanted to hit really, really badly - but the potential pain in my back won out and I sat it out].  It was more fun than I expected.

This evening we had Sunday dinner at my folks with Lulu and Topher and that was a motherfucking blast.  NO KIDS anywhere.  It was awesome.  And Lulu and I actually got to spend some time together bonding over both being in fun relationships right now.  It was so bad, it bordered on sappy.  But, when it comes to spending time just Lu and I, that's usually how we roll.

Now I'm relaxing and writing.  What more could I want?

[A camper, a closer work location, not having to financially depend on alimony, dh not to move farther away, having a *history* with JD.......]

Yes, Bex, being single definitely has it's good points.  But you already know that the grass isn't always greener - in fact, it rarely is.  Being single is also stressful, difficult, lonely at times, and really fucking overwhelming.

This month marks 2 years in my house.  I can hardly believe it.  I really hate the thought of rushing JD and I into burning out, but not nearly as much as I am ready to be done being single.  Not that I want to get married next month or anything, but to have someone steady, nice, and reliable around?  Yeah, that sounds great.  I have hope right now and right now, I am really fucking happy.  Not just *eh, life is good* happy, but *Hey, life is grand, don't fuck it up, Sarah* happy.

But.  You know - we'll see. *wink*

Just sayin'.

GIRLZ.... Where are you?

Where are my girls....????

There has not been much posting here lately... And I know that I am a hurge culprit of my accusations... BUT we need to get back to writing here!!!

Or we will lose all of our "loyal customers"!!!!

Don't make put out a stupid "If you had to..." or "Tell me about..." I seriously hate those "make you write moments"!!!

Ok... now that i ranted...

I am so awake, and so jealous of my single peeps. We (myself and the pot-stirrer) entertained Bumpa tonight with a couple of card games... Or rather Bumpa entertained me... Pretty sad, when you rely on your father to come over to entertain you. (no offense dad!)

And it's not that I don't want to something with or that I don't want to be entertained by my husband (the pot-stirrer).... He just seems to be content with being home and doing nothing. And when it's just the two of us, or us and the kids... He is sleeping by 10, probably more like 9 most nights...

I want to have FUN. preferably with my husband... But he sleeps so much lately that I am bored with him most evenings.... (ok, maybe not completely bored, Itchy does have football practice that I take him to and sit and watch). But I want to "adult fun" with my husband. I want to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.

And the catch to it all is that if I'm texting my Girlz, he gets annoyed because I'm not spending "time with the family"... It's not like we even have these great conversations... It's quiet, small talk, or conversation/yelling at the kids.

When does the FUN in life come back? How do I get my husband to ant to spend with ME. I need attention too, damnitall!!!!

Hope you all are having fun!!!!!!!

Mr. No-Shoes

Ok, so today the boys had a dentist appt and then we were going to visit a friend and run a couple of errands...

Only as we are pulling into the dentist office, my oldest son (10 1/2 yrs old) says, "Mom, I don't have any shoes... Did you grab my shoes?"

Me: "How did you, NO, WHY did you walk out of the house without any shoes? When I specifically yelled, Get your shoes on and get in the car?"

Itchy: "Um, I don't know..."

So we search the car... the car that had just been cleaned out from the camping weekend... And of course, there are no extra set of shoes in the car. So, Pooh, the 5 yr old had a pair of rollar blades in the car. So, I took out the inserts and made Itchy try and put those on. Yes to wear on his feet as shoes to get his cleaning done. And yes, it looked like one of Cinderella's evil step-sisters trying to fit into the glass slipper....
I then walk into the dentist office and sign in and wait to speak with the receptionist, only she was busy. So, the Dentist we see, Dr. F. walks over and says "May I help you?" And I very calmly explain that my wonderfully smart son forgot his shoes and that I can run home and get them but then we would be late.... And after much laughter he says, "I'm ok with him coming in without his shoes, we don't have a No-shoes, No-service policy, if you are ok with it and everyone else is ok with it..." Yes, there were two other ladies in the waiting room. Neither one said anything... Smart for them!!!

So My child get his teeth cleaned today without shoes on....

As we are checking out, the receptionist says, "ya know, you can always go to the dollar store and get a pair of pink flip flops to keep in the car, in case this ever happens again!"

So, yes... I am going to get a pair of pink flip flops and bedazzle the fuck out them so this never happens again...

And yes, I did not let him live it down today... I told everyone we ran into, "oh, and this is my no-shoes son..."

I'm pretty sure he will remember his shoes next time!!!!~

Sleep is my enemy

I am so tired of sleep being my enemy...

I can't fall asleep at night

And I so tired in the mornings....

Tonight should have great and it was ... School is done for the semester, only one semester to go, I am at peace (somewhat with the job/no job issue), my family was together and we were having fun watching an old zombie movie...

When I rec'd this email from Itchy's father:

"Rxxxxxa,Can you help me understand what part of the presentation we went to yesterday you did not comprehend? We had two conversations regarding me not being able to pick Mitchell up tonight. One of the conversations was in front of Dr. Palmieri, and the other you continued today via text messaging. Why is this is still happening and more important, why would you do that to Mitchell? The first thing discussed in the presentation was don't have the kid make calls to see what is going on. BUT you STILL had Mitchell call me tonight to ask if I was coming to get him. Rebecca, possibly, if it was an issue for Mitchell, which I doubt it was since he and I talked about it Monday, you could have simply said, "your Dad is having car trouble right now and he wasn’t able to pick you up tonight”.
Dr. Palmieri – possibly you can help me understand why Mrs. LaBond would continue these antics, especially after the presentation you required us both to attend yesterday. I'm looking forward to a response from you sir in regards to this on going issue."

Why do I get this asshole response everytime my son wants to call his father? I will never say No to the kid when he asks... And I'm trying to let it affect me, but come on man... I Do NOT put my son in the middle. I do NOT play 'antics' with my son's mind. period. I don't. Get over yourself asshole and get over me already. Move on... for christ's sake, you are remarried and have a daughter. Either be a part of Itchy's life or don't. But STOP playing games. We are not teenagers anymore.

Sorry for the rant, but this is what is causing me to not sleep, this night anyway.

Hope the rest of the world can and is sleeping tonight.

Finding the Line (Lulu)

So the past couple of weeks have been pretty rough with the ex. We are back to fighting like crazy and I am having a hard time dealing with it. I really had thought that we were past so many things. But now I am having a hard time finding that line...

When is being nice and taking the bullshit the right thing to do so that there is peace for the kids and when is it necessary to fight so that he is no longer controlling me and my life?

It all started a when he needed me to drop off money and we couldn't agree on a time. He wanted me to wait till the next day because his girlfriend (whom I have not met) was going to be there...but I couldn't do it the next day. I did not see what the issue was considering we had already talked at length about his girlfriend. I told him that I was happy for him, I was glad the kids liked her, and hell he had even asked me for advice and I had given it to him. He tried to say afterwards that he was afraid I would start something...if he was really worried about that then why did he feel so comfortable talking about her with me that he had even brought up their sex life (EWWWWW!!) I do not care how O.K. I am with them dating...I DO NOT want to hear about it! It just grosses me out!!!

Ever since that night the fighting has gotten progressively worse. He is back to arguing about what school my little gray hair should be in. His reason, and only reason, for wanting to switch her back is because it will be more convenient for him. Never mind the fact that her current school has way more opportunities for her!

I am expected to run any babysitters by him first but yet I found out he is letting his new girlfriend watch the little gray hair and I havent even met her! He never ran it by me or asked me!

The final straw came on Friday when I get a text from the big gray hair saying he cant pick his sister up from the sitters cuz his dad needs him to go pick up his mother from work. Why should I have to change my schedule around for him? It was my week with the kids! I do not mind changing my schedule if it is because he has to work but that wasn't work! The ex was having him run a personal errand and expecting me to change everything without even so much as a phone call.

I know that part of my issue with it is because I have an issue with his mom. We were very close until the divorce. Some days I just wish I could show up at her house and show her the proof as to why I filed for divorce instead of just letting her believe all the crap he spewed about me...but I dont because what good would it do? Unlike my parents she never bothered to even ask me...or to try and remain civil for the kids.

UGH will I ever learn where that line is? Will there ever be balance? I do not want to fight...but I certainly dont want to let him control me any more...he has already had too many years of doing that to me.

Happy Birthday Bex!

Happy Birthday Bex!!!

I hope you went and got a slurpee!

Happy Birthday, Tink!

Happy Fucking 30th, Old Lady!!!!

I hope you had a good dinner!

Sorry It's been so long...

Ugh the older you get, the busier life seems to get...

Yet, If I'm not busy, I'm bored... Go figure

First, Lil Pooh turns 5 this week, on Thursday. He's my BABY. Only he's not really a baby anymore. Saturday is his birthday party and today I asked him what he wanted me to serve his friends at his party. I said, "we can do pizza, hot dog & hamburgers, a mexican buffet, anything you want Pooh! what should we have to eat?" That little shit responded with, "EGGS! we should have eggs for dipping!"

Really? I am not serving eggs for that many people. No, I am not that good of a mom.

AND when asked "what do you for your birthday present?" He said, "a real bunny, white with blue eyes."

Really? You are going to make me disappoint you twice in one day? You are not getting a real bunny. Just not going to happen.

BTW... Sha-mom and Sha-pop... You guys are invited to his Birthday Party. It is Saturday. I really hope you can come... I miss seeing you guys!!!!

Saturdays! (Lulu)

Today was a fun day indeed! I got to sleep in! I was smart and left my phone in the livingroom when I went to bed which means I didn't hear all the texts that popped through in the early morning hours! 3 of them were from this overly cheerful friend of mine who just had to inform me that she was in the process of getting a pedicure! (Just giving you a hard time Bex! I was glad to hear you so cheerful...and yeah ok hers were like at 10 so I can't really say it was early LOL!)

Then I had 2 baby showers to go to today. I love babies...especially when I can love them, spoil them, and then send them back to their moms! Mike was nice enough to let me have the kids for today which was great. Especially since the 2nd shower was for the mother of the siblings we found out Cody has!

We got to meet their family and they were so great! It was a little strange showing up at a party when you only know the host, but they were very easy going and it was a lot of fun. The kids had a blast playing baseball and jumping on the trampoline. And for once my kids got to eat someone else out of house and home. I swear they were grabbing another plate of food every time I turned around!

These are the days I live for. Great weather, fun with friends, and to be able to watch my kids laugh and play like nothing in the world matters.

I Want it All (Lulu)

The job is absolutely great! I love what I am doing and all that I am learning. I even found out that they are going to hire me from the temp agency which is completely awesome! But...

...yes there is always a but...I miss my kids!!!!

The drive is long, the hours are long, and I am still trying to get used to this whole thing called being alone. And I am not getting used to it as fast as I had thought I would.

It feels like I just get home and then its bed time for them. Then the last couple weekends they have gone and stayed with my parents. It was sooooo hard to let them go but I know it is what the kids would really like so I let them. Not to mention the fact that they only get to see my parents during the summer so how could I say no?!?! And then before I know it, it's time for them to go back to their dads (sigh....tears)

I just want to wrap them up close to me and not let them go anywhere or do anything! Yeah, I know, life doesn't work that way. They would just squirm away, roll their eyes, and give me that whole "MOOOMMM" thing.

Oh well, I know I can't have it all....but I want it!!!!!

This took some thought (Lulu)

Wow there were so many things I could think of for both questions....but if I gotta choose one for each....

What I miss the most about being a kid is the freedom from all of lifes worries. All I had to concentrate on was school work and not getting in trouble (notice I didn't say not doing anything wrong...just not getting caught and getting in trouble!). I didn't have to worry about lives other than my own. I feel like I spend so much of my time worrying about my kids and how my choices will affect them. I worry about their futures and what life is going to be like for them.

My favorite part about being an adult is being able to watch my kids grow and have fun with them. I enjoy sharing my favorite childhood rituals with them. Being able to carry on some of the family traditions that were always very special to me growing up. Seeing them smile and laugh makes all of life's trials and tribulations worth it. I can get lost in their laughter sometimes and I forget about any worries for a little while.

I Shoulda Said "No Tag-Backs" (Zaad)

but I will keep the ball rolling.

These were Bex's questions:

1. What do you miss most about being a kid? And
2. What is your favorite part about being an adult?

My answers:

1. Not much, really. I remember a whole lotta thinking "when I'm an adult...this or that..." so I don't know that I want to be a kid again. I remember feeling a lot of pressure to be perfect, all the time. When I got sober, a lot of that pressure dissipated when I realized *perfection* was impossible, all I really had to do was survive and pray to thrive.

I mean, we had a wonderful childhood. I can't complain. I guess I miss the whole *no responsibilities* thing, but then I just think "but I now I get to make all the decisions..." When I think of growing up, the thing that stands out the most, as an overall impression, is how much everyone would say "she has so much potential!" And this feeling of *potential greatness with no real direction* overcomes me.

2. So what I like best about being an adult is obviously: the freedom. The absence of *potential* and the presence of *living*. I no longer dream about what I need or want to be when I grow up (except for when I dream about being a stripper), instead I dream of what I want to do right now, or next week, or next year.

And I get to DO these things.

Also, I like to be a mom. I like to watch my kids growing up - but it does bring back some of that pressure. Only now, it's in the form of *worry*. I can blow off worrying about my back, my work, and other things in life, but as a mom, I'll never escape worrying about my kids. But this feels like a tangent...so...

Next, I tag TINK! Same questions, obviously.

And no tag-backs.

Just sayin'.

The Daunting Task.... (Bex)

Ok, really peeps?! Me again, already?

Ok, here goes... It's a 2 parter! And it may be cheesy, but you asked for it!

1. What do you miss most about being a kid? And
2. What is your favorite part about being an adult?

ME... I miss the amount of time we had just to have fun and be carefree. And I do mean "innocent" fun. Playing softball...I was the pitcher on the township league and not a bad player. The thrill of standing on the pitcher's mound or when up to bat was almost scary as a kid, but now I look back and think that was so much fun. To run around the yard like fools, playing "What time is it Mr. Fox?" or "Red rover, red rover". If we played those games as adults, we might end up in straight jackets! And time seemed to last forever. An hour felt like a day, and a day felt like a week...

Now, don't get me wrong... I still have fun. I still try to make time and run around with the boys and act like a fool. But as a kid that fun is so carefree and natural. As an adult, sometimes that "fun" is forced for the kids sake, or they don't want to play with mom anymore. Would I trade it and go back? Probably not... certainly not if it meant going through the late teenage and early adult years.

2. My favorite part about being an adult is the ability to make my own choices and succeed at them, if I so wish. The feeling of making a choice (like nursing school or law school) and getting to the end and succeeding is a great feeling. Or choosing where I want to buy a house, or what car I want to drive, or what color I want to paint, do I want to go shopping or pay the bills?! Every one of those decisions are mine... (ok, ok some of them may be mine and the *pot-stirrers*, or even just the *pot-stirrers*!!)
I can look around my house and look at my kids and say "I did this!" and "I'm not that bad at it, either!"

As a kid, you do not have the capability to appreciate long term visions of decision making, foresight. That getting good grades, being involved in extracurricular activities (sports, community service... I was NOT talking about sex and drugs!! you dirty minds) and cherishing friendships will make you a well-rounded individual and better person overall... and god-willing clean and sober!!!

Ok, Ok.... enough cliches and thoughts....

TAG YOUR IT>>>>>> SARAH!

Oh Fuck. So Many Reasons....(Zaad)

Thank God Bex posted, finally!! I was dying from the urge to butt in and post anyways, but I didn't, because I refused! I guess it's part of that *demanding* Bex was talking about! And boy, did she have a point.





We are very demanding. The most demanding, by far, simply because of scheduling is Bex. With kids, work, LAW SCHOOL, and a husband, she BY FAR has the most demanding schedule. The other end is Tink who is the most flexible. And Lu and I fall somewhere in between. And, yes, *calender time* is, without fail, (deeeeeep breath!) a loud, fast-paced, try-to-keep-up EVENT that takes practice to survive. Imagine 4 women saying, or rather, saying louder than the others, what things they have to work arowhat days work best for her. *So much fun*. As in: not my favorite part of the night - but I would die without it. It actually manages to keep my whole life scheduled, which I need.





I guess, though, aside from the overall intimidation factor, Bex hit the nail on the head with the whole commitment thing. And let me defend ourselves by saying this: the reason we demand nearly perfect attendance is because we all know how life works: It's just like working out - once you make an excuse to skip once, and you know you can get away with it, you will continue to push the workout aside and keep skipping. Making time for yourself is so important, yet so easy to postpone. So we just simply don't allow it. Get your ass to Girlz Night - even if you just sit there and mope - or else.





And no one has the nerve or the desire to find out what the *or else* is, but I imagine it looks somewhat akin to 3 women pounding on your door, screaming "WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE! NOW OPEN UP THE DAMN DOOR AND LET US IN!" I don't know, but probably.





Because Bex is right - we have invited Janel back - with the condition that she be able to come every week and she hasn't decided to take us up on that. I think the literal distance is also a big factor in this. We all live just miles from each other, and we couldn't imagine it any other way. Even Lulu would have stayed in Bex's basement if she couldn't find anywhere within 5 miles to live. That is what makes our schedules work - everything is in or around Tiny Town.





We have held Girlz night at one child or another's sporting event [indeed, we actually MET Tink at one] if we couldn't find a free night together. "Well, it looks like next week's is at [insert boy child here]'s baseball practice because there is no other option" has been said on many occasions. And if we didn't all live so close, why would someone drive 20-30 minutes to do that? When Girlz Night is right down the street, it's hard to find an excuse not to go.





Janel is the perfect example - she is fun, she likes us, we see her at lots of family events [she's my and Bex's cousin] and she really clicks with us. But she lives a good half hour away. Plus, she's not a mom. Which is the my last point. [Even if I took a whole damn post to get to it, I did have a point.]





We all have kids - and more precisely - we all have at least one 4th-5th grader. Every single one of us - Lea, Itchy, Mo and Jules. Yes, we have others older and younger, and the age span ranges from 3-17, but we are all going through the SAME parenting challenges. How many times have we said "I wanna kill my kid"? [Tink doesn't count, her count would be off the charts anyways, so in true girlz fashion, when you're winning by too much, you're just evicted from the game. True story.] And no one bats an eyelash because we all GET IT. We all get that we don't really wanna kill our kid, but we kinda do wanna. Know what I mean? NO? Well, that's why you're not part of the Girlz Club.





See? I proved an additional point: we are all bat shit crazy and we like it.





And with that, I tag-back BEX to think up a new question. *evil chuckles* We know you can squeeze it in - and really, thinking of a question and tagging someone is actually easier than putting thought into a whole post-answer.





So, you're welcome. *more evil chuckling...bwahahahhahahaha* and *exaggerated wink!*

Because I was tagged......!!!!!! (Bex)

I know, I know, I know.... I haven't posted in awhile...

The only excuse I have is... Who has time? Man, working full time and going to school, and being a mom is keeping so busy....

Ok, why do newcombers never come back? Honestly, I don't know...
I think the main answer is lack of commitment.
We have a rule... you have to show up when told to. There is no excuse that I am too tired, or too crabby, or don't feel like it tonight. The few times we have allowed one of us to not be there, have seriously been extreme moments. In fact we reschedule rather than have one of us not there. And speaking of scheduling. We are fanatics with the calendars and scheduling around everyone's crazy lifestyles. Can you honestly think we could try to work around one more schedule...

I say this because there have been a few that have made it through the "awesomeness" and truly enjoyed themselves and said they wanted to come back... But they lack that NEED to be with each other, that crazy obsession we have with hanging out with each other. If that need/want is not there... it will never work. We are as demanding to each other as we are grateful for each other. And I don't say that in a demeaning sense. We ALL NEED each other, and each one for different reasons, or in different ways. But nonetheless, not one of us would live without the other three.

Would someone new feel that? And be willing to commit to that? It's alot... Sometimes TOO much for the significant others!!!!!!

Love you girls.... But yes, I am probably the most leery, most cynical of letting anyone else in....

Good luck to anyone who tries!!!

Guess that means TAG your it, Zaad!

The Scariest Part (Lulu)

Reading Zaad's post really made me stop and think....

It's time for a challenge question again since there are two members of this scary little clique who haven't posted anything in awhile.

We are definitely a unique group of girlz. We are all VERY different but for some reason we just work. We have pretty much all tried to bring someone to add to the girlz nite and let's face it....They come once AND NEVER RETURN!

So let's play a little game of tag in honor of spring sorta getting here.

I will post my reason as to why it never works...what makes the new-comers decide to be never-comers again...then i tag one of you and you have to give your reasons and tag the next person!

I thought about each one of us and quite frankly I think the scariest part about us is that we are BRUTALLY honest (ok some more than others lol!) It is very rare that you can find 1 person, let alone 3, who will tell you when you look like shit, your acting stupid, or quite frankly when ya just need to get your act together and shape up! We have all had to say it to each other at some point in our friendship and yet here we are...still friends. We each know that it is not being said out of nastiness but out of love. It would have to be very overwhelming to someone new to walk into the middle of what we all have. Let's face it...when we are together we tend to censor ourselves less and a newcomer would just be shocked at what comes out of our mouths sometimes!

Ok Tink...TAG YOUR IT! (and btw...you cannot just say your scary cuz you hate people lol!)
I picked you because technically you were the new comer once but yet you are the only person strong enough to survive and helped to create the girlz club!

Have Mercy, My Friends (Zaad)

OK so this is funny.

I walked into Amy's office this morning and she was on her cell phone with her husband. She stopped to talk to me and asked: "Did you officially accept the job offer?" [kind of excitedly, which I was all offended by, btw, 'cuz obviously aren't I so important as to at least warrant a sad face??]

• "Yee-up."


• "Oh my God, so you're officially not my employee anymore! Did you ask the Girlz about girl night??"


• *chuckling unbelievably* "Yes, I did. I already have the request for clearance submitted. I'm letting them stew, come to terms, and then decide to be nice."

NOTE that I have to give my friends WEEKS of notice to absorb the shock of maybe, possibly putting up with an OUTSIDER for any length of time. Can anyone say *clique*? [*chuckling sadly* 'cuz I know how we all are...ok, kind of funny.]

• "OMIGOD! I'm so excited -" [turns to cell phone once again] "Honey! I'm gonna have friends!"


• "oh MY God, you have to calm down! You have no idea what you're trying to get yourself into. You're not even gonna last 2 weeks -"


• "I can do it! I swear!"


• "- Ok, but don't say I didn't warn you. I'll let you know as soon as they decide."


• [cheesy fricken grin] "Ok! I can't wait!"

It's like I'm in the Twilight Zone or something. Has she even HEARD me the last 2 years???? She thinks we look awesome enough to want to be WITH us? I tried to tell her before: "Dude, seriously, we'll eat you alive. We're sharks. You'll never come out alive and if you do, you'll never be the same.

And she says: "It sounds like so much fun!"

And I'm all like: "Do you even understand English, woman?"

So beware, I may be asking again on Friday. We can try and be nice to one outsider... at least for a night, right? Then she'll see how boring we actually are. But how scarily awesome we are at cards. And Bex, if this helps: think of it like a project. You looovvvve projects!

*sighing remorsefully and shutting laptop...*

What a Weekend! (Lulu)

• This has been one of the best weekends in such a long time!!


• Friday started with girl night (the earlier part of the day doesn't count as the weekend so we will skip all that) It was one of the best girl nights in such a long time! OMG I laughed so hard all night! From the Rie-man's hilarious comment about a certain person who he claims used to be a "hunk" (in case anyone's wondering the word he was referring to is "chunk") to Bex's hilarious comments! That girl was on a roll!! I think she topped us all with her snide remarks and come-backs...it was AWESOME!


• Saturday started with an awesome shopping trip with Bex! I am now officially a size 4!! Unfortunately most of my work clothes no longer fit so I had to get some new ones. The best was when we were walking out of the store and Bex says to Reese "I think I have created a monster!" to which he replies "What kind of monster?" Well duh! A shopping monster!!! After all that I then went Go-Kart racing!!!!!! I have always wanted to do that! And I am not referring to those slow ass amusement park Go-karts. Because I have never done this the guy said he had to brief me....here is how that went:


• guy: Ok so you have never done this...and your short...so make sure you tell the guys in there that you need a booster seat


• me: (as I grumble and my face turns red...really? A booster seat? Cant they come up with a better name!) yeah ok I got that...and do you happen to have a helmet any smaller?


• guy: um no mam', small is the smallest size we have. But for the rest of the briefing there are a couple things you need to know

1. If you hit a wall at 35 mph...it's gonna hurt like hell


2. If someone else hits you at 35mph it's gonna hurt like hell


3. Don't hit a wall or get hit cuz it will hurt like hell

• Now go have fun and don't forget to ask for your booster seat!


• Needless to say I did get hit, and it spun me into the wall, and it did NOT hurt...so thanks for scaring the crap out of me asshole! But it was soooooooooooooooo much fun! I actually did pretty good and held my own out there! I cannot wait to do it again!


• Then on Sunday Tink and I went and I got my belly button pierced!!! I have always wanted it done and Tink and I have talked about it for YEARS! So I decided it was my gift to myself for getting my own place. So I called Tink up and asked if she would go with! I LOVE it! And it really did not hurt as bad as everyone kept telling me it would! Thanks Tink for going with me!


• Then the icing on the cake is that my kids came home tonight! I miss them so much when they are gone to their dads. My day is complete when I can tuck them in at night (ok so maybe just my little gray hair since for some reason the big gray hair thinks he is too old at 17 lol)! What an awesome, event filled weekend!

Mean Girls Suck (Zaad)

Or: How Did I End Up Back In High School? Let me tell you something: I have never appreciated (or wanted to have near me) my friends like I did today. And I didn't even see you guys. This is a warning: I am about to start a rant. Today we went to TG's best friend's kid's birthday party. He turned 9 and oddly enough, despite having a complete BITCH for a mom, he's a nice kid. And I have tried, I mean, I have REALLY FUCKING TRIED to be this girl's friend, but it is not going to work out. At all. Let me start off by saying this about Todd's wife (and then I will get to why I want to kick her in the face, and so will you): first of all, she's hard to like. She just isn't very friendly. I have tried to tell myself that she's just not someone who opens up very quick. She also doesn't sleep with her husband. TG and I have heard them BOTH mention that they don't have a sex life anymore. AND she had, in the past, once asked her husband if they could have an *open* marriage. Ok, I have always thought she was shady, but she's MARRIED TO TG's BEST FRIEND. I have always also kinda felt like she has the hots for TG, but *oh no, that's ridiculous!* Yeah, whatever. The last time we saw them at TG's kids' party, she barely spoke to me. I asked TG if she had an issue with me and he assured me that she likes me and that's just how she is, blah, blah, blah.... So we walk into the party today at this stupid arcade and TG's ex-girlfriend is sitting with her. I didn't know who she was or anything until TG pulled me aside and said "I have to tell you, that's my ex-girlfriend. I didn't know she'd be here." I was pissed. I have no desire to sit for 2 hours with someone who used to fuck my boyfriend. At the very least, I should have been warned. Or given an option. Or been prepared. It's awkward. And to have it sprung on me felt, well, very yucky. When TG walked away, she outright asks me "So, are you pissed about Cindy being here?" And I said "Yes, I am. Why didn't you tell us?" and she said "Well you guys just have to get over it because TG is friends with Todd and I am friends with HER so deal with it." EXCUSE ME, BITCH?? It was an awesome 2 hours of awkwardly acting like everything was fine, despite every time that I walked away, those 2 would sit real close, whisper, look at me, and stop talking when I came back. Nice. I'm sorry, I thought I was in my 30s. Apparently I am in High School with MEAN GIRLS. I was so not pleased. All I wanted was my girlz. It was, and IS complete and utter bullshit. TG and I have enough on our plates without adding ex-girlfriend drama and weirdo craziness trying to stir up drama. It's completely uncalled for. And YES, I acted like I was fine. And I was VERY polite to them both. The entire time. But she, and her hots for my boyfriend, can SUCK MY ASS. She is a worthless piece of white trash (as opposed to the nice white trash that I am) and I actually called her a cunt to TG. Because she is. And I don't want anything to do with her. I can't even imagine Bex, Lulu, or Tink inviting one of my exes to a party and NOT warning me. It would just never happen. Despite all of our own drama, there are boundaries, people. BOUNDARIES.

Weird...but good (Lulu)

• Today was my first official weekend day in my new house...by myself. I moved out of my parents house when I was pregnant for my big gray hair. So I have basically never been on my own. Yeah I have had a day or two where the kids were at friends and the husband was on one of his many trips...


• ...but it is different when you know that this is how things are going to be. Every other week my babies go to their dads, and I am now in a house by myself. I woke up this morning...all on my own! No husband slamming shit around, no kids running around making all kinds of noise...ahhhhh peace and quiet.


• And then more quiet, and more quiet....


• OK the kids can come home now! I decided the silence is enough to drive me stir crazy! I have had noise in my life for so long that I actually couldn't handle the complete and utter silence! Pretty sad huh!?!?


• Needless to say it made for an emotional day. I spent a lot of time just thinking about where I am in life...there were moments of happiness and triumph for finally feeling like I have succeeded at something...then there were the moments where I looked around and thought "this is sooooo not where I thought I would be at my age" But I did manage to get a shit ton of unpacking done...it is amazing what you can accomplish when there aren't any kids around to interrupt the task at hand! It is definitely going to take some getting used to but all in all it is good. I am feeling stronger inside already.


• (Fyi Zaad...I did type this as different paragraphs but my internet sucks and for some reason no matter how many times I try to edit this it keeps posting it as one long paragraph! So I do not want to hear a single word about how it looks lol!)

Needing My Girlz (Zaad)

Ok, I am so ready for a girlz night. I know, we said we were gonna take a break through April, let the dust settle, let Lulu settle in and everything... but... Dude. I'm going crazy without having you 3 to bitch to (or at, it's usually both...) on a weekly basis. And well... you know. Let's face it, I'm crazy enough. I already spoke with Lulu, Wednesday at her place works for her! And congrats, btw to Lulu for getting her own place!!! YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE IT. There is nothing like having your own place. Your own home base. It's just, well, all yours! So, enjoy, and I'll see you Wednesday. Even if we're sitting on boxes. Btw, can we smoke at your place? Please say yes. Just sayin'.

The Next Chapter (Lulu)

Well I am about to embark on the next chapter of my life.

Over the weekend I finally got the call that I got the house I was looking at renting. The kids are sooooo excited! Their favorite part is the big yard (which the landlord has graciously said he would take care of because it is too much for a single mom and since he has the tractor anyways he will just do it!) He is so excited to have kids living in the house that he raised his kids in that he is going through and fixing up just about everything. I went there today to give him the rest of the security deposit and he went through a long list of all the things he upgraded! I have New faucets, shower heads, shutters, a new washer (the dryer is coming in a couple days), a new microwave...well you get the idea.

My plan is to try and move some stuff each night but since I work late it will really be only 1 trip per night. On Friday my big gray hair is going to see if his friend can stay the night and we plan on moving as much as we can then. I will have a little bit of time Saturday morning but the rest of the day is for the Rie-man since its his birthday : ) I figure by the end of Sunday I should be able to spend my first night in my house. I have so many emotions over this. There is such a huge part of me that is just so excited to finally be on my own...but there is also a part of me that is scared shitless. This is it...I am on my own and I gotta do this...I know I can its just a little overwhelming at the same time. I have not been on my own in almost 15 yrs (meaning without a spouse or live-in boyfriend).

Itchy breaks my heart though. He doesnt want his Cody to go. Those two have pretty much been inseperable from the moment we moved in with Bex. I promised him he could come stay the night though. And reminded him that its not like we are going very far. I am definitely gonna miss having itchy and reesy-pooh around all the time. They are always good for a laugh. They also help to fill the void when my kids are at their dads. It is going to seem so weird the first week I am in the house because its the kids week with their dad so I will be by myself.

I Call Bullshit (Zaad)

The picture was photoshopped.

Yes, that is what I am going with.

I have NOT changed THAT much.

I mean, really, people.

Just sayin'.

The world is ENDING! (Lulu)

Ok so we all know Zaad...we all know about all the changes she has made to become stronger, more independant...

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH....

But there are just some things that will never change...things that we would have NEVER thought would happen!!!!


So Bex and I had to go to the grocery store over the weekend and Zaad decided to go with. Of course Bex didn't mention what we had to do at the store so the conversation went a little like this as we pulled into the parking spot


Bex: Oh I accidentally forgot to tell you we had to return bottles


Me: You "accidentally" forgot to tell her?!?!


Zaad: (with a grumble) Yeah cuz she knew it would be a deal breaker


(we get out of the truck and proceed to open the back)


Zaad: HOLY FUCKING SHIT!! This is bullshit!! (as she proceeds to turn and RUN into the store)


and here is the best part...

The ENTIRE time she proceeded to grumble and I do believe the words "This is for poor people!" came out of her mouth more times than I could keep track of!

Do you see the look of disgust on her face!!!!

But she did it...she even put more cans/bottles into those damn machines than either Bex or I! Course she took a shower in the hand sanitizer that is provided by the machines (and she didn't even turn in the ones that came from her house...she did the ones from Bex house THAT WERE PRE-RINSED!)

Life is Life (Zaad)

Ok, someone needs to start writing. We've had this thing going for over a year now and I don't want it to stop. I don't particularly have anything great to write about, but since I'm home with back pain, I figured I would try and do something....

Us four girlz have been through so much together. It's amazing, really. I never thought in a million years that having a friendship with 3 other girls would take so much work. But it's kind of like a marriage, what we all have. None of us are perfect and we all get that. But when it comes right down to it, I think we are learning to step back and try to think about the things that really matter.

Like how much we stick up for each other. Or how much we are there for each other, no matter what it is that we need. Or how we all consider Girlz night to be sacred and try to make it every single week. It isn't always laughing our asses off, sometimes we just sit and play cards and just BE. Sometimes there are tear filled nights. And yes, sometimes we do laugh so hard we spit our pop out.

I love it and don't want it to ever change. I don't want our petty personal differences to interfere with the big picture and the big picture is this: What we have is special and awesome. Like a marriage, we have good times and bad, but we are all committed to each other. And that means a lot.

Even when I'm bitching and complaining about one of us, or feel like one of us doesn't care/is cranky/can be mean/isn't doing things MY way/is annoying/insert anything else I meay bitch about right here, EVEN THEN, I LOVE WHAT WE HAVE.

See you girlz tomorrow! Who's night is it again? lol, oh yeah, it's BEX.

Speaking of Support (Zaad)

Holy fucking shit I love my Girlz.

We got a shit ton of work done today and I could not have done it without the help of Bex and Lulu. And I mean, I literally couldn't have done it without them: I couldn't lift half the shit nor would I have been motivated enough anyways without them.

Today we completely re-did the yahoos' room. We bought and put together 5 pieces of furniture, cleared out the room, arranged said furniture AND organized the entire fucking disaster area. And it only took 49 hours. HA, kidding. We worked for 7 hours straight but my back feels like it was working for 49.

And it looks fucking awesome. Thank you both so much. I know it was a lot of hard work and I really appreciate the help. No one kicks ass like my crew. And although I missed Tink being there, there probably wasn't enough room in the closet sized bedroom anyways.

So I will listen to you anytime Bex. It beats the Hell out of the manual labor I put you through today!!!!!!

Seriously.

Thank you Girlz

Thank you girlz...
For listening to me...

I feel like running away... I am tired of living with double standards, expectations that are not reciprocated...etc, etc, etc...

And don't worry, when I decide to RUN... I will at least let you know where I am headed, so you can meet me there!!!

Love you girls... You are truly the only support I have.


Bex

New Addition Update (Lulu)

Well we met the new siblings today! As soon as we walked in the door the little brother was immediately attached to my big gray hair. And he never left his side the whole time we were there. He even had a "to-do" list that he had made of all the things he wanted to do with his new big brother!

The new little sis is extremely shy so she just stared at him for a long time. Finally, about a half hour before we had to leave (and we had already been there for 3 1/2 hrs) she started opening up and having fun. It didn't help that my little gray hair is as equally quiet around new people so they pretty much leeched on to us mom's for most of the day.

As for the kids mom we also hit it off pretty quickly. It was kinda weird to talk to someone who had gone thru the same crap. Her outlook on life is so much like mine that it really makes ya think about how a situation really can shape who a person is. We did not dwell on the negative crap all that much...just talked about what we learned from it.

The similarities in the kids was almost scary. Wynter is 9 and she looks a lot like Cody. Valice is 8 and doesnt look as much like Cody but he acts a lot like what Cody did at that age. We also started talking about some of the things the kids have done and most of the time I sat there going "Holy crap! Cody did the same thing!!" She has had a lot of issues with the kids tempers just like I have had with Cody and it just makes you think some of it has to be hereditary.

All in all it was an absolutely amazing day! None of the kids wanted to say good-bye when it was time to leave. We had only been gone about a half hour when Wynter sent a message saying that she missed Cody already and that she cannot wait to see him again. I think this is going to be a good thing all the way around and quite frankly the mom and I have agreed that the dead beat dad doesn't need to be a part of any of this! He told so many lies to try and make sure we never got together and now that we have, well we are not going to let his lies do any more damage!

One Hard thing to deal with... (Bex)

Ok, I'm trying so hard, so hard, to keep my mouth shut...

But I find that lately I have to keep my mouth shut more than I am allowed to speak lately. I do so, so that I do not hurt anyone's feelings. Which means I have to keep my mouth shut even in my own house. I now have nowhere to speak freely.

Last night something was said that completely got to me... And what am I supposed to really do? If I express my feelings, then someone's feelings are going to get hurt. Is it selfish to release my feelings at the risk of anothers? An internal fight I have all too often lately. Is it fair that I sit with internal turmoil so that others can go about their lives as if all is good and happy? I seriously don't know what to do...

I find myself wishing I was in a different life... But I can't tell you whose life I wish I had... Cause although I want things to be different, I do know that the grass is not always greener on the other side... Sometimes buried beneath that greener grass is something worse, like grubs!

Any advice? Keep my mouth shut? Or speak my mind?

It really sucks not being 100% comfortable anywhere...

Sorry for the tirade... next time I post it will be positive...

Wait, I will end on a positive note... I really do like my new job (lets just hope it lasts!); I do love my husband and my children (even though they are ridden with their own faults!); At this time next year I will be studying for the Bar Exam; It's February, winter is almost over; And I think tomorrow, I am going to convince my husband to let me buy a new cell phone!!!!

Have a great weekend everyone....Just pay your bills before you spend your money frivolously!!!

New Addition to the Family (Lulu)

So my big gray hair just found out he has a brother and sister that his biological father never told him about. He found out through facebook and it went something like this:

Girl: Hey you do not know me but I am a cousin of your brother and sisters

Cody: You must have the wrong person cuz I only have a sister

G: No you have a brother and sister, you just haven't met them yet

C: Are you sure?

G: Yep their dad is Steve, the same as yours

At this point my big gray hair proceeds to start jumping up and down screaming "Oh my gosh! I have a brother and another sister!

So after looking further into it I discovered that it is true. I have actually spent quite a bit of time talking to the kids mother. Apparently she has known about my boy all this time but was too afraid to contact us. Cody has not seen his biological father since he was 3 years old, nor have any of us really had any contact with him in more than ten years. She was really afraid of upsetting any life Cody had. Cody did talk to him briefly over facebook last year but the ASSHOLE never bothered to tell him that he had siblings.

Needless to say we are going to meet them in about two weeks. His new sister is 9 and his new brother is 8 and they are just as excited to meet us!

It is a bag of mixed emotions for me. I am excited for Cody but at the same time it is so hard to hear that the jerk did the same thing to her and her kids that he did to me. First he is all sweet and treats ya real great. Then the kid (or in her case kids) are born and then he does a complete turn around. He abused her just like he did me. He neglected the kids just like he did Cody. She actually had it much worse than me because she was much younger then I was (Let's just say that Steve should be in jail right now!) My heart just aches for the kids and for her. I know what he was like when I was with him and I would never wish that on anyone. It took me a lot of years to get passed so many things. There are some things I do not think I will ever get past.

Feelings (Lulu)

I have thought about the whole situation non-stop. There are so many feelings and emotions and I do not know where to even begin. Remorse....well that is something there is a lot of. Hindsight is always 20/20 and there are so many things I wish I would have done differently. I love the Girlz, they mean more to me than words can ever express. I have not posted or talked about any of this for what I thought was the right reason, but unfortunately I did not see that it could be taken that I don't feel remorse or that I do not care about how everybody else is feeling because I do. Losing the Girlz is the scariest thing in life for me, hurting any of them or putting them in the middle was never my intension and I am truly, truly sorry.

Turmoil and the Middle (Bex)

So much turmoil and so much drama...

As some of you know, and others can guess... There is much turmoil with the girlz...
I realize it is not my place to spew the whole story, so I won't.

But, I have to get this off my chest...And believe me, I am trying to make this post as neutral and honest as I can... I am not trying to hurt anyone...

I feel so torn. Torn between friends. Two of my best friends in the world are having a moment that I don't think is repairable. And I say this because IF it were me on the one side, I don't know that I could forgive. I don't have that in me, as I know the one side probably doesn't either.

Yet, I find myself wishing this never would have happened. And mostly for selfish reasons. I hate being stuck in the middle. And I don't hold that against one. However, I feel myself taking a side. And I don't want to take sides. I want everything to be the way it was...

Yet, one friend hardly seems to feel remorse at all for what has happened, and that makes me sad. It makes me wonder. Are all friendships that easy to throw away? Why do some people fight to keep the ones that seemed to mean the most next to them, yet, others seem to give up as if it doesn't really matter?

There was a post by "Anonymous" that has been bothering me... It said...
"Hmmm... Maybe it wasn't the friend that caused this. Maybe it's the asshole who thought it was over a long time ago. Maybe your too concerned with what you think is right and wrong, instead of their happiness. I don't think you should be mad at her at all, but who cares what my opinion is, right?"

When you find the type of friendship I thought the 4 of us had... there is a trust that develops that I have never felt before with girls... you share everything. Things you want to do, things you should not do, things that you have done...there is complete honesty, even when that honesty is sometimes harsh and complicated. You share things you would not share with just anyone. I have NO secrets with my girlz. They know everything about me. I have never lied to them, nor do I ever intend to. If anyone of them asks me a question, I have to be honest with them, even if I don't want to because I may be ashamed of the truth.
And I had to say all that to get to my point. Anonymous said "instead of their happiness"; but what about all the hurt and anguish "this happiness" now caused the one friend? when the other KNEW how much this would hurt? Do we not take that into consideration? do we look at ALL the aspects of this? What about the betrayal of trust and honesty that now all of us feel because of this? And the appearance of lack of remorse is astounding. The lack of care that the girlz club may not be anymore because of this is hurtful to all involved. This is NOT about wanting one to be happy and not the other. [We ALL want each other to be happy, but not at the cost of one of us.]
THIS about betrayal of trust and honesty between friends.

There are ways to handle sticky situations... And in the last few years us girlz have had our fair share of them. But we have come out of them stronger because we were always open, honest and loyal to each other. We would have done anything and everything for each other. But when you take away the openness, the honesty, and loyalty out of any situation, HOW do you not get mad? How do you not get hurt, when the effects of the shotgun bullet hit you too?

How do you let one friend do that to another? How do stay out of it? How do you pretend life is the same and everything is wonderful, when now your life has been completely altered because of someone else's choice...

I'm just saying...

And that's only one turmoil in my life right now... There are many... But I won't continue to bore you with them tonight. It's late, I can't sleep, but I should try.

Really from Bex

OMG!!!! Winning every card game is sooooo much fun!!!!

Thanks girls for a great winning girl night!!!

Love ya !

Bex

Zaad

It is true.

And hard. And sad. I am angry. I am hurt that Tink is hurt, I am confused about what happened, and why. But most of all I am pissed that this SACRED Girlz Club just might be over.

I am mad that Bex and I are caught in between, almost in as much shock as Tink, wondering which way to go. We aren't in a very fair position and I don't know what to do.

I love you both. I don't agree with what Lulu did. I am sorry that Tink may never get over it. And I feel caught between old friends and new, right and wrong.

I wish I could write more about the situation, but too many feelings would get hurt. Those involved know what I'm saying, though.

Tink: This, too, shall pass.
Lulu: What were you thinking?
Bex: What do we do from here?

I love you GIRLZ. Just sayin'.

Holy crap! I have a brain! (Lulu)

I went to Robert Half Inc. today (which is a staffing agency) and basically sat and took 2 1/2 hrs of tests today in various accounting procedures and computer applications.

I have been doing my own accounting for years and I knew I was pretty good at it, but not great. So after taking all the tests the recruiter sat me down to go over all of my scores. When it came to the Microsoft Excel program I actually would have had 100% but stupid me hit a wrong button! I was shocked to see my score of 99% According to Samantha (my recruiter) most applicants score 79-83%. On several of the other tests I was only a few percentages away from being considered above average!

So, I am very excited to say that she immediately scheduled me for an interview at a company in Birmingham on Tuesday morning so wish me luck!!

but even if I do not get the job I feel so great now. It was definitely a self-esteem booster that I was sooooo greatly in need of!!

Something New!

Ok, I got a job offer yesterday!!
Yeah me!!!!

But how do rejoice when you know someone else is hurting because the job she really wanted she didn't get? I am sorry Lu... I really was hoping for you... Even with all the chaos that both of us working will bring... I was hoping that you would have gotten that job... I know how it means to you. Don't give up, it is a hard struggle, but I promise something will come along. And when I was talking about at least you will have the SACC bill and my kids, I was only trying to comfort you in your financial worries. Please know, that I was intentionally trying not to worry about the babysitting thing, so that we both got the jobs... (I have this way of worrying about babysitters, and they end falling in my lap, usually b/c someone has lost a job...)

Tink asked me last night... "What's wrong with you? You should be happy you have a job"... And it really was just hard to be happy when someone else was turned down...

BUT I AM!!! I start on Jan 17th!!! I can't wait... well, maybe I can... You know us women, we are never happy!!!

Thank you to all of you who kept your fingers crossed!!