Ok, Ok, I know I haven't posted in awhile... (Bex)

I know it has been awhile since I last posted...
And for good reasons...

1. I have had a few job interviews... but I don't want to "jinx" anything...
2. There is not too much new...
3. Some things I have to say, might hurt people's feelings, which I am not willing to do...
4. Ugh, there is not much new... same ole' same ole'...

Anyway... I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season... And I wish you a Happy New Year!!!

Worried for Nothin' (Lulu)

Today was our Christmas in the LaBond plus the strays household lol!!! We did it early cuz 3 of the four kids have to go to the other parents home for Christmas day and we wanted them to have time to play with their stuff before they had to leave for 2 weeks. I can't say the events leading up to today were all that calm and peaceful but apparently I worried for nothing.

It's not exactly easy to join two families together for a holiday like Christmas, especially when there are younger kids involved. Each family has their own traditions. It's their household so I wanted to try and disrupt their ways as little as possible, but I also didn't want to completely forget mine. And don't get me wrong, its not that Bex expected me to...it's just not always easy mixing the two.

It also doesnt help that I was already an emotional wreck. I was worried about so many things. Much of which turned out to be due to a misunderstanding. I was upset about things that I really couldnt quite put my finger on till the middle of the night. I couldnt sleep cuz I just couldnt shut my brain off. So many worries, feelings, fears....So I decided to write. (No there is no post...I never published it cuz it was more for me to figure things out than to share) This really helped. I was able to finally pinpoint what I was so upset about and go from there on how to change it. Unfortunately it took a few hours so of course I never actually went to sleep last night.

At 7am I went upstairs to find my big gray hair, laying on the couch, wide awake! so of course as soon as he saw me he had to run upstairs and "accidentally" trip over the kids and "accidentally" wake them up!! (those were his words) And btw...had my kids actually made the bet with Bex they would've won! She said that she is always up first and would be waking them up...Wrong!!! Cody was up at 5am and just waited until an adult woke up to wake up the rest of the household!

so the kids opened presents and I fought back the tears. They were sooo happy and they were just so excited over everything! And here I was...afraid they wouldnt have a good Christmas. My kids even made me a picture collage...All by themselves (sniff sniff)

Poor Bex tho. Finally all the emotional crap got to me. I actually walked into the kitchen where she was and said "ok...gotta do this. I have some things to say and I am gonna get emotional, and I am gonna cry, and you are just gonna have to stand there and listen and put up with it for a bit!" Talk about a deer caught in the headlights LOL! But she handled it well and when I was done I informed her "there I am done and I feel better"

It was a wonderful Christmas...

Gratitude (Zaad)

Thank you Girlz. Nothing helps me like you guys. All 3 of you txted me today to make sure I was doing ok and nothing made me feel more ok than that. I know we fight, we bicker, we pick on each other, but we are truly HERE for each other and I just wanted you guys to know that I appreciate it.

Also, if you see dh, say, randomly at the drug store or something, feel free to stick your foot out to trip him.

You know, just sayin'.

The Rie-man (Lulu)

ok...so i got this text from Zaad the other night...and its funny enough that I just had to post it

Zaad: Rie was asking how old dh is and i said he was 43, you got an old dad. To which Rie replies "uh-uh...Aunt Lulu's not even that old!"

and this is why we love the Rie-Man so much...just sayin'

In a Funk (Lulu)

Holidays are approaching fast...and I am in a funk. Its really not the holiday that is bothering me so much, just everything else.

For starters, I NEED A JOB!!!!! I have had quite a few job offers but unfortunately they have been for the afternoon shift. I cannot do that. I do not trust the ex to not use it against me for custody reasons. Oh sure, he would say he wouldnt, but so far every time he says he would not do something...he has.

second...I am having a very hard time saying good bye to my kids. Yes part of me enjoys the break...but I almost started crying when I had to send them off to their dads yesterday. They both hugged me so tight, then whispered in my ear "mom, I don't want to go...I want to stay here!" It breaks my heart every time. I know Mike wants to see them, and its not that they dont want to see him, they just dont want to be gone for a whole week.

Then there are some decisions I am struggling with regarding the divorce. I know what I need to do, but I am having a hard time doing it. Even with the lectures I keep getting from my biggest gray hair. Sometimes I think he is much older than what he really is. His arguments are right on the money, almost as if I was talking to one of my parents. I am just so afraid of what may happen...how bad it may get...how the kids will be affected...ugh I just do not know! So many people have tried to reassure me, and believe me it is appreciated, but it still does not make it any easier.

Last, the anniversary of my brothers death is coming up. Most years are all right. You would think that as long as he has been gone I wouldn't have this hard of a time. Maybe its all because of where I am right now in life...I dont know...but I am having a really hard time this year. I think of him so often, wishing he were here, wondering how different my life would have turned out.

I just need to find a way to get out of it.

Thanks (Lulu)

I do not know what else to say....but Thank You!!

For the past 10 years or so...my thanksgiving dinner was usually had at a resaurant. The reason for this is simple...My ex really did not have a lot of family. It was him, his mom, and an Uncle (with his wife and 2 kids that we only saw at Christmas). So to him it made sense to go out and eat. Why cook a huge turkey for so few people. I accepted this, not right away, but I did. It was a battle I chose not to fight. My parents are snowbirds so they are not here this time of year, and my ex really never wanted to travel out to my brothers.

This year....well this year I got back to having my family style dinner. Ok so it wasnt with my parents, or my brother, but with a family that is just as great! Bex and Zaads parents invited the kids and I to join them and it was WONDERFUL!!! Yes it was crazy, yes it was loud, but it was perfect! Just the way it always was for me growing up. I actually felt as though I was home for the holidays. I know Bex is probably sick of hearing my say it but.....

THANK YOU!!!!!

...and Bumpa...you can get anything you want...at Alice's Restaurant!!! LOVE IT!!

Chrismas Already! (Lulu)

When I first filed for divorce I dreaded Christmas the most. It was never an easy holiday to begin with, seeing as my brother past away right before Christmas when I was only Lea's age. Then I had kids and I learned to love it again. One of the reasons I actually held off filing for these past couple years was simply because I never wanted to spend a Christmas without my children. This year is was decided that Mike would get the kids for the holiday. I figured that since next year I will be in my own place, then we could have the first Christmas in our new house together. So needless to say I didn't even want to think about it this year.

Then Bex changed that for me. Since Itchy goes to his dads this year, we will just celebrate a day earlier!!! It will be just like Christmas day...just the day before!!! So this weekend we actually decorated!! The tree is up, the stockings are all hung by the chimney with care, and the lights are even up outside!!! I am actually excited about it! I know Thanksgiving isn't even here yet but we had to work it out so that all the kids would be home to decorate. We even had Zaad's yahoo's to help decorate (since that lucky little brat is in VEGAS at the moment!)

And my big gray hair is the best kid in the world (despite the fact that he got kicked out of school for fighting) He looked at me the other day and actually said "Mom, I am not expecting you to get me anything this year. I know money is tight. It is more important to make sure Lea gets stuff so please take any money you were gonna spend on me and just spend it on her ok" Like that is ever gonna happen! One way or another I am going to make sure that BOTH kids are taken care of! They have been thru so much this last year and have probably handled it much better than I have! They deserve to have a nice Christmas!

I am NOT THAT OLD, am I? (Bex)

Nothing makes you feel like you are aging like your doctor saying to you: "You need to have a mammogram done."

Yes, I have a family hx, an aunt with breast cancer... but I'm only 35.

OMG, I am 35. When did that happen? How did I get here? And, WTF am I doing?


Anyway, so I went and had the mammogram today. Not because there are any problems, just because of my age and family hx, he wanted it done as preventative, or whatever. So, you stand there naked from the waist up and some stranger manipulates your boob into this xray machine and then closes the "thingie" and OMG... it actually hurt a little. But man, this lady had no problem just pulling and tugging and placing every piece of my skin (because that's all that's left to the girls) into her machine... It was a little weird. And I'm no prude, and no stranger to the manipulations of healthcare workers.

I do hope everything comes back fine, not that i'm worried... just sayin'...

Birthday Bowling Fun (Zaad)

So today the Girlz Club made me proud again. We all went to the bowling alley for little Megs 7th birthday party. Tink had invited Megan's class for a Sunday bowling birthday party.

I'd be lying if I didn't cop to trying my hardest to think of a valid excuse to get out of this little Hellish sounding function, but in the end I knew, as we all always do, that no matter what, the 4 of us are always here for each other no matter what. Hellish sounding birthday parties included.

And you know what? It wasn't that bad. I mean, yes there were 20 7 year olds running amok and trying to bowl, but it honestly went by so fast, it truly was almost fun. It makes me proud how we all band together to help each other out. We all pitch in and do what needs to be done. We get pizza passed out, cake and ice cream passed out, presents unwrapped and organized and we all bitch and commiserate together.

It's awesome.

It always surprises me when I hear one of them say "Thank you so much, I could not have done this without you guys" (even though I say these very same things when I need them) because when I hear this, I always, without fail, think to myself "Um, ANYTIME. DUH. No need to thank me."

And I mean it. As I know they do too.

Big Mouth Bex

Ok, we all know, well that are close to us, that I, Bex, cannot keep my mouth shut sometimes...

Last Friday morning a friend came to visit Lu and I ...
And this friend happens to be our parents age.

Long story short, we invited her to dinner with Lu's parents and when she accepted, I blurted out... "Yeah, we can have an old people party!" (as I am clapping my hands, like a mentally challenged individual!)

Can you imagine my horror at the thought she might take offense to it... She didn't! She took the comment in stride... And it got brought back up to Lu's parents...

I love those "old people" in my life! And I truly hope no one took offense, it was truly meant to just be a funny comment!

And I would welcome an "old people party" any day... Love you guys!

There Sha-Dad... I beat you to it!!

Bex

Getting Kinda Nervous...(Zaad)

This is Dh. I think he's very handsome. I tried for a year to convince myself that he's not but it just didn't stick.


Tonight I have been ordered by ShaDad (lulu's dad) to write because apparently we haven't been entertaining the grand parents very well lately. And who I am to disrespect my elders? I mean, I am a real shithead when it comes to a lot of things, but that's not one of them.


Lulu's parents came over to Bex tonight to visit one last time before they hit the road to Florida once again. They are awesome for a lot of reasons and one of them is that they are gypsies: they literally live in an RV and travel. All. The. Time. It's awesome. Of course, after a few minutes, ShaMom, whom I love dearly, turns to me and says: "So, I hear a new chapter has begun."

And by that, I assumed she meant "Seriously Sarah?! I heard you flipped out and upended your entire life AGAIN?! Are you NUTS?!" But you know, she's way more polite than me. That must be where Lu gets her tact from. I don't think it's from her father (no offense, ShaDad). What she said next was: "I guess the question is: do you still love him?" To which I said "Yes, I really do." And Bex put her two cents in with "She. Has. Never. Stopped."

She's right. I have never stopped loving dh. I never will. Dammitall to Hell, I honestly don't think I will EVER stop. Last night, I was fine, tonight I can feel that I am slightly more nervous about our first therapy session. But I'm still ready. The feelings that I have for dh are strong, stronger than anything I have ever felt in my life. And that goes for all the feelings I have for him: love, admiration, lust, fear, anger, and confusion.

That's kind of how I know I have to do this. There is absolutely no denying how my heart feels. Whether it's right or wrong, for the best or a complete disaster, I still love him with everything that I have. So much so that it hurts sometimes just FEELING. I never thought in a million years, we would actually get a second chance. But we do.

Now we just need to NOT fuck it up.

Seriously.

And just sayin'.

I'm so excited (Bex)

Halloween is my favorite time of the year...

The fall season, colors changing, cool but not too cold (at least most of the time!)
Playing dress-up...
Scary movie nights...

I love it all...

And I have always wanted to have a Halloween Party... and even though we are not technically having a Halloween Party, all my favorite people are coming over tonight to go trick-or-treating from our house! I decorated the garage and can't wait to put my witches hat on!!!

Hope you all have fun and are safe tonight!

Happy Halloween!

The Cider Mill (Zaad)

So, despite my head cold and the cold, WET RAIN, I donned on 4 inch boots and went to the cider mill with the girlz anyways. I just prayed it would end really, really quickly.

But, as usual, everyone had a blast (I'm glad I sucked it up) and here are just a few shots from Saturday.

Pictures like these make me smile.

Pictures like THESE, however, make me laugh my ass off:

And yes, if I weren't so dang tall, I'd have joined them.

Sundays in the Fall... (Bex)

You know what I love about Sundays in the Fall and Winter?

FOOTBALL!

Yes, I am a woman. Yes, I do like to look pretty, meaning my hair has to be done event to clean the house! But, I Love Me some Football!

I am one of those people that football is on my TV all day on Sundays, even College Football on Saturdays...

There is nothing more "home-y" feeling then the sound of football and cheering and yelling "flag on the field"... When I lived with Zaad and DH, we even had props... we would throw our own flags and lil footballs... I do miss those days! (Only watching football with Zaad and DH, not actually living in the basement, just for clarification!)

Ok, GAME is about to be on... Have make sure my pics are finalized!!!

R U Ready for some FOOTBALL????!!!!!

Weeds... Bex

Does anyone else watch Weeds?

Cause the girlz and i have this saying... "That was a total Botwin move!"

Nancy Botwin is the main character in Weeds, and everytime she thinks she is doing right for her family it backfires... Lately, it seems that Zaad and I have been pulling too many "Botwin" moves...

Oh the internal conflict it arises...

Life is a struggle and even when you think you have it figured out, something happens and life is just messed up again. But it's ok, because this is life right? You just have to make the best of what is handed to you and go on from there...

On a different note...
I want to open my own business, I have big ideas and I think it would work...
Anyone know how to get financing? or find an investor?

Something Cheerful (Lulu)

I decided that I wanted to post something that makes me smile. Something I am very proud of. So of course that would have to be my kids. Their smiles are what makes my world go round.

Regardless of the age differences.....they know how to build together

They know how to make a mess.....

.....together

They know how to have fun together

They share their birthdays

and even homecoming pictures

Even us mothers....

....Mother together

Does it get any better than that....I think not!

Great saying (Bex)

I heard a great saying on a TV show last night ...

"Scars remind us of we have been. Scars do not dictate where we are going."


It made me do a lot of self-reflection... Looking at my own scars and how they have been dictating my life... NO more...

I need to get back in the mindset that I can do anything and will accomplish what I set out to do in life....

Girl Night (Zaad)

YAY! I'm so glad that Tink wrote something! I can stop my strike now. But honestly, I'm just posting a reminder, so no biggie.

I was unclear on what we had decided for this week and I just talked to Bex: Girl Night is on Friday.

We really need to get our calenders out on Friday, too. Consider that your warning, I need to be organized. This week-by-week shit is too stressful for me.

Just sayin'.

Unexpected Fun (Lulu)

I have to admit...I was dreading this weekend at the campground without my gray hairs. Don't get me wrong...I love to spend time with the family, cousins and all, its just that after having the kids around last time I was afraid I would miss them too much to be able to enjoy myself.

WRONG!!!!!

I discovered it was just as much fun...just a different kind of fun. It was adult fun!! (And to the perverts out there....I don't mean that kind)

I also discovered that when you are one of those people that do not drink beer....don't do it...just dont. It doesn't take very many and the feeling the next morning kind of sucks LOL!

And as a note to all the "monsters" that jumped out and scared the kids during the hayride last night....There are two little boys about 5 years old still walking around the campground with their plastic swords looking to "teach you a lesson" (their words not mine) so ya may want to hide out a little longer!

So Much Fun!!!

This weekend I got to go help with the halloween weekend at the campground that my immediate family works at.......WITH MY KIDS!!!!!!!! (including my adopted-like kid J.C.)

Having my kids there just made it perfect. The boys dressed up as werewolves and scared all the people on the hayride while my little gray hair had the perfect part for her!

They had this cabin decorated like a butcher house. Her role, unsuspecting to the other riders, was to ride the hayride and when it pulled up in front of the cabin my nephew, dressed as the butcher of course, would jump on the wagon and snatch her up! She would scream bloody murder as he carried her to the cabin and then "chopped" her up. Fake blood squirting everywhere.

At one point she actually had tears running down her face. When one of the fellow workers asked her if she was ok she proceeded to say....

".....ummmmm its called ACTING ya know!!!!" (hands on hips of course)

It was the one time in her life that she could scream like that and no one would yell at her!

We all had so much fun and we cannot wait until we get to do it again. Of course I get to go again next weekend but it just wont be the same without the kids...its their dads weekend with them (sniff sniff)

On Strike (Zaad)

I realize that you are all very stressed out, but seriously I was thinking of changing the blog title from The Girlz Club to The Lu and Zaad Show.

What do you think, Lulu?

(And yes, I'm teasing. sort of. I miss you guys.)

Emotions Vs. Logic (Lulu)

First and foremost....Sorry to write on top of ya Zaad....but you are the one that has shown me writing on this thing does actually help...and I needed to write (course I debated for about 15min first)

There are two sides to every situation

The emotional side.....and the Logical Side

Now I know the logical side is right....and I am following that logical side as best as I can through all of this

But that does not mean the emotional side no longer exists. You can try and forget it...you can ignore it for awhile...You can even push it to the farthest black corner of your heart for awhile but.....

The damn thing fights its way to the surface eventually and then it wins....only momentarily....but it still wins out. Then all those stupid tears that you have swallowed force their way back out and there is nothing you can do about it.

Today was that day. Every little thing seemed to set me off. I wanted to talk about it...but at the same time I did not. Even if I had chosen to talk to someone...I couldn't for the life of me decide who I wanted to talk to. There were bits and pieces that each one of my wonderful friends would understand...but then there were pieces that each one would also want to give advice on and I just wasnt in the mood for advice. I know that I have to follow the logical side...and I will...so I really didnt need advice. So in the end I just dealt. Spent a lot of quiet time in my room...and now I am writing. I am missing my kids something fierce as well so that doesnt help. I dont know how I am gonna survive every other week without them. I know I will cuz I have no choice...but still.

I also know that tomorrow is another day. I spent the day acknowledging my emotions so hopefully tomorrow will be better. Besides....My kids come home tomorrow!!! That always puts a smile on my face!!!!

Speaking of Blessed (Zaad)

Dude. I have the best fucking friends. Today, TG and I got into our first major blowout. To be brief but precise, I was right, he was not, I ended up storming out.

He was supposed to drive me to my mom's to get the minivan but he got called into work. After not hearing from him for 2 hours, I ended up calling Lulu to see if she could come get me and get me to my parents. Which, of course, she did. Without question and without hesitation. Dude, I love you Lu.

Unfornately, TG showed up just before she did and we ended up arguing for a few minutes before I stormed into her truck. As I got in, I started crying ['cuz I do that, I'm a cryer, but so is Lu, so it's ok] and declared:

"I can't talk yet. I'm too upset."
"That's ok. I had a shit weekend, too, and don't feel much like talking."
.
.
.
"But damn, you looked really skinny storming out of there. Those jeans make you look hot."

And THAT, my friends, is why I love her so damn much.

Thank you, Lulu. I really do have the best friends. And if we had a $1 for every time one of us had to go *rescue* another one of us, we'd have ... well, about a hundred bucks or so, but still...

And yes, TG and I had an extremely long talk when he came over this afternoon to work things out and we are just fine. Relationships, well, they just aren't easy, are they? I guess what it comes down to is this: Is this worth it?

Right now, I feel YES, it absolutely is.

My New Dwelling (Lulu)

I am so greatful for Bex and the Pot-Stirrer.

I had so many reservations about moving in with them. Not that it would be horrible or anything....just didn't want to cause any strain on them. I knew the friendship I have with Bex is strong enough to handle it but I still just wasnt sure how this would work. Anytime you add one more adult and 2 kids to anything its bound to be trouble. Then add in the factor that its a stressful time for everyone and....well...you get the idea.

Let me tell you just how wrong I was to worry!

Don't get me wrong...I cannot wait to get my own place....but not because living here is bad...its just because I want my own place.

Our families have really blended so well. My big gray hair and itchy have a tendancy to pair off, as well as my little gray hair and the Reesie-Pooh. I actually think my kids fight less now than they ever have! I think we have all kind of just gotten into some routines. We have family time where its all 7 of us....and we also have family time when its just our own individual families. They have really made us feel like this is our home too. I no longer spend every minute worrying that I am a burdon, or the kids for that matter.

Reese melted my heart the other day when I picked him up from preschool with the following conversation:

R: Look what I made at school today Aunt Lulu

M: Oh my goodness Reese! Is that your house you made? You did such a beautiful job!!!

R: Aunt Lulu its your house too!!! And Cody's and Lea's Too!!! (Then preceeded to show me all the windows and who they belong too)

M: (fighting back the tears) You are absolutely right Reese

We have had to make some adjustments (like me learning NOT to talk for the first part of the morning LOL) and my kids now think they should have chocolate milk every night before bed....but its all good!

I know it is because I see it in my kids smiles every day...I feel it in the hugs all four kids give me...I hear it in the advice and support I get from Bex and The Pot Stirrer.

I am very blessed. Thanks guys!

The What Ifs....(Lulu)

I am having a moment....I do not know how to handle it....Maybe writing will help, I just do not know....What If?

I had such an amazing weekend. I spent a lot of time just watching my gray hairs play. I watched them smile....I watched them have fun....Most importantly, I watched them be kids. I even got to forget about tomorrow for just a little while. We had my little gray hairs' birthday party today and she had sooooo much fun. Now the kids are in bed....and I am awake and thinking.....

What if.....?

Tomorrow is the big day. My soon-to-be-ex filed for full custody of our little gray hair and we go to court in the morning. My logical side knows that he will not win. I know I am a good mother. I see it every day in the two beautiful children that I have.

But what if......?

They smile more now than they have in years....And they hardly fight like they used to....

But what if.....?

They both say they love their father very much but that they still think I made the right choice!

But what if.....?

My children are my world....PLAIN AND SIMPLE! I live, breath, and exist every day because of them.....

But what if.....?

I have so many reasons as to why he will not win....I even have arguments to prove his reasoning for custody is wrong....and I continuously keep going through them in my head, but no matter what there is that lead weight on my heart that just wont throw away those stupid little what ifs?! I just want tomorrow to be over with so that weight will be gone and I will be able to breath normal again. It is not that I want to take the kids away from their dad....I just dont want them taken away from me.....Is that too much to ask?

Football Game Update (Lulu)

Well for those of you excited about going to my b-g-h football game... I have an update. He decided the other day that he really doesn't like football and that he has chosen to quit!

Oh he likes to throw the ball and play in the yard but he said being on the team just isn't for him. Of course I asked "why all of the sudden? What happened?" To which he put his head down and replied...

"It's not all of the sudden...I knew after the first week but everyone was sooooo excited that I didn't want to let ya down. but I just know its not me....I AM A BASEBALL PLAYER!" (yes he actually stated it loudly...very loudly...as he beat his chest with each of those 5 words).

The mom in me was actually relieved cuz now I know my baby wont get tackled and killed by all those big guys....but I am bummed not to see him on the field. I think we will still go to the home games just cuz it was soooo much fun. I know he would like to go as well. So if anyone still wants to go to the home game on the 17th we will be there...he just wont be on the field.

I'm Waiting Too (Zaad)

This was just gonna be a comment, but I changed my mind. I'm female so I have that right. Some things about being a girl rock. I didn't create the stereotype but I will take advantage of it.

Lulu: great post. Unfortunately, I have no answers. Opinions, on the other hand, I always have a shit ton of them. I think a mediator would be best. A counselor is the best idea there is and if you have to tell them they can't visit each other unless they go, so be it. It's for the best. YOU can't act objectively, I mean one is your soon-to-be-ex for a reason, and the other is your son. Being un-biased is impossible.

I had a blast on Sunday, too. Real family goodness.

Bex: I can't wait to hear about your job either. A post would be good. I mean, it's just my opinion and all. And yes, I think I'm funny.

Just sayin'.

And what's up with girl night? Not this week 'cuz Bex is stressed about going back to work full time? I'm just checkin'....

The Holiday (Lulu)

It was definately a crazy weekend. I thought I was going to have some time to spend with my parents but of course that didn't work out quite as planned. I didn't get there till after 7pm and by 10am the next morning my phone had already started to ring and I had to leave to pick up my big gray hair.

My gray hairs were supposed to be at their dads for the weekend, but of course, Mike and Cody couldn't survive a weekend without fighting. Cody started calling first thing Saturday morning saying he wanted to be picked up. It is so hard being in the middle of their disagreements. On one hand I know that Cody can dramatize things...after all he is a teenager. But on the other hand I also know the history between the two. Mike hasn't always treated Cody right. Quite often it is soooooo apparent that Lea is his biological child and Cody is not. The favoratism is quite awful...but he is the only dad Cody has ever known. I also know that Mike doesnt always speak the truth. He will say one thing then do the exact opposite. It's one of the many reasons for the divorce. So how do I know what to do or who is telling the truth. Do I pick him up or do I make him stay. I see Mikes point that if I pick him up, all I am showing him is that if he doesn't get his way he can just call, and mommy dearest will come running. And up until this weekend I have always made him stay. But they arent getting anywhere...I have argued with Mike for years about the favoratism....and I decided making him stay wasn't helping either. I did suggest that the two of them need a counselor. Someone other than me to be the mediator. I hope they do it.

Sunday was a blast!!!! Sarah showed up with TG and his boys....kind of one of those last minute things....and we had a fire and had a contest to see who could stuff the most marshmallows in their mouths at one time without puking...and ya still had to be able to say "Chubby Bunny"! Any guesses as to who won....ZAAD of course. Although I have always been the one teased about having the biggest mouth...oh wait I guess just cuz I never shut up doesnt actually mean I have a big mouth LOL. It was a great evening.

Monday was rough. It was one of those days when you can't help but look at where you are in life and wonder.....what the hell happened? This isn't where I wanted to be and I hate all the nastyness. I am not that person and I don't like that I am being forced to keep my guard up. What other lies is he gonna tell this time? Who else am I gonna discover has chosen sides? Why does there have to be sides anyways? Aren't the kids supposed to come first? Bex and her family was gone to Bumpa and Gma's for a BBQ so the kids and I snuggled on the couch and watched a movie. It was so nice to have a little quiet time with them.

Now the kids are back to school and they both said they had a great first day. Now I just gotta wait for Bex to get home so I can hear about her first day of work. I know it will be great cuz I have all the confidence in the world in her!

Something About A Football Game (Lulu)

Last night was so absolutely exciting!!! Ok so my big gray hair never actually got to play but still.....

There is just something about being in a stadium....The Lights....The Crowd....The Cheerleaders...and a bunch of guys running around on a field!! And the fact that my kid is part of that team.

Bex and I just kept talking about our high school days. Wow it really takes ya back!

In the end, we won the game 34-7!! I soooo can't wait till the next one. He does have a home game on Friday, September 17th and I hope to see the whole family there cuz ya all are invited. That includes the extended family....That means the girlz, ShaMom, ShaDad, Bumpa & Gma! And hopefully by then they will actually put my kid in. I know he is the new guy and all but the kid is a natural. One of the parents of the kids on his team even said that they must see potential in him cuz' they assigned him to skilled positions. (Course he could've just been saying that to be nice since I really don't know jack shit about football!!!! Bex is teaching me but i still have a long way to go!)

One of the Weirder Nights Of My Life (Zaad)

So.

I met dh's new girlfriend tonight. It was kind of like an out of body experience...TG and I on the porch, socializing with dh and B. And yes, he calls her B. For Bridget. Whatever.

And you know what? I actually liked her. You know, thus far. But my gut tells me she's ok and that is nothing to be ignored. We all openly acknowledged the awkwardness of the situation right from the start, but that did nothing to ease the actual awkwardness.

I was my typical self, asking a million and one questions, trying to soak up as much knowledge about a person in as short a time as possible, but honestly, I think that was a good thing. It went very well, and I feel 100% better. Now that I think about it, I could actually see myself liking HER more than him. [He'll probably fuck it up anyways, so it's not like I'm gonna get attached, but you know, if they do work out....]

And you wanna hear what made me decide to like her? Of course you do or you would have stopped reading already. Duh. I had said that dh and I get along very well, with the exception of the times that dh decides to NOT tell me things. That is literally the only time we argue. And she says this:

"Yeah. I was the one who said he should tell you I would be there this weekend. In case the boys said something and all..."

What? Really? I looked right at dh and said:

"You are an asshole. I cannot believe you." What I wanted to do was then turn to HER and say "good luck with this." But I am working on an award for *restraint.* And I'm doing really well.

So that was that.

Oh, and then TG and I went into the garage for sneaky garage sex. It was full of *the awesome.*

Just sayin'.

Oh the Nerves.... (Bex)

Ok so Lu and I are sitting here waiting to go to Lu's Big Grays FIRST High School Football game. This year as a Junior he decided he was going to play football, he is on the Varisty team.... his position is Wide Receiver and Cornerback...

And as you all know how Moms are... We are nervous for him!!

AND...

I start a new job on Tuesday....

The kids start school on Tuesday...

UGH!!!!!

Couldn't Sleep (Zaad)

Girl Power

Why Did We Leave? (Zaad)

Moments.

Bex and Her Boys (Zaad)

Stunning.

Loving the Pics (Zaad)

My Boys and Me.

What A Weekend (Zaad)

What a wonderful weekend. An awesome, side-splitting, laugh-my-ass-off, memorable weekend.

Yes, we bickered.

Yes, we all had our moments with the kids.

But fuck yes, I, for one, had one of the most fun camping trips ever.

Just sayin'.

Dude, I'm Getting Ready (Zaad)

Ok, this will be the least interesting post ever written here. Sorry. But I figure this is as good a way as any to get organized for this weekend's trip.

So, I did my grocery shopping and I just wanted to give you three a heads up for my meals that I have (yes, we are each responsible for a few meals, and yes, we are the MOST organized group of girl friends, EVER):

Since I have one lunch and one dinner (and I'm calling Friday dinner since I plan to prepare it Thursday night and have it ready for grilling when we get there) and snacks, this is my menu:

Lunch:
Turkey, roast beef, and ham lunch meat
Condiments, cheese and bread (duh)
Fruit salad (not pre-made thankyouverymuch)

Dinner:
Grilled chicken breasts (Lu, are you bringing a grill?) (Does anyone know how to actually grill?) (shit beans, we may be screwed) (the camper has a oven if all else fails) (because, yup, amazingly I do know how to do THAT: "Hey Bex, I need to cook this chicken.")
Potato salad (uh, pre-made) (sorry)

Macaroni salad (pre-made) (duh) (no need to re-visit last year's disastrous pasta salad) (don't ask, I'm not tellin')

Tomato and cucumber salad

Snacks:

Chips, sour cream/onion and cheddar cheese

3 packs of various cracker snacks, portable for beach going (YAY)

Drinks:

Diet pop

A case of water with 3 flavor choices

I also got the mega-pack of plates (which incidentally has 130 plates, enough for exactly 10 meals for us, lol) so if one each of you wants to get utensils, napkins, and cups, we should be all set for eating!

Damn it feels good to have that done! Oh, I cannot fucking wait!

Nevermind (Zaad)

Welcome to the Madhouse! (Lulu)

Schedules are crazy and life is nuts but together it can all be accomplished!

Today my big gray hair had to take his drivers test. Of course he is used to driving my truck but unfortunately my abs light is on sooooo can't use that for the test. We talked about using Zaads car but.....never seemed to get a chance for Cody to practice with it. So yesterday it was decided that he would use Bex' car. He has driven it a few times but thats it. Thankfully The Pot-Stirrer walked him through the parallel park thing and he practiced for a little bit last night. We showed up for the test and the poor kid was absolutely nervous. I'm talking the white as a ghost, looking like he is gonna puke kind of nervous!! Any guesses as to how he did?

Well duh!!!!! HE PASSED!!!!!!!

To add to the craziness he has decided that he wants to play football....never played on a team before but hey! Its only his junior year....nothing wrong with being new on a Varsity team Right!....Right? And we find out this morning that practices actually start today! But of course he can just start tomorrow after "we" take care of a few things first.

Few things.....AS IF!!!!

I have to work so Bex has to take him to get his physical. Then I have to leave work (but I can't do that till 11am) so I can run to the Secretary of State to change my address (cuz the mail-in form is taking to long) and get the kid his DRIVERS LICENSE! Then go enroll him for school. At that point I have to go back to work and Bex will take him to football practice. Did I mention that practice starts at 1:30? So it all has to be done by then!

But then its girl night so the relaxing will be able to begin.......I hope!

My Turn (Bex)

Ok, I know some of you are wondering... Mom and Dad!

I still don't know for sure about the job... What I mean is...

This week I started a new job. One I could actually enjoy... Teaching students in nursing school. So far, I have really liked the institution, the people and even the 30 min presentation I had to do for the Administrators (to prove I could actually teach)... It was fun, and I could really get into it!

Here's the BUTT! But, I really want this other job I applied for, it's a Manager position for an OB/GYN office... I really liked the Dr. and the office... last week, I spoke with the Dr. and he said they were down to 2 candidates and I was one of them... they would make a decision this week... I spoke with the HR Director yesterday, she said they had not made their decision yet, she would call me as soon as they had... She called and left a voicemail this morning that said:
"Hi... This is so and so... I really apologize for yesterday, I had been out of town and just got back to the office yesterday... Please call me at your earliest convenience."

Ok, I called while on break and left a voicemail... then after work, I called again and the lady that answers the phone said:
"So and So is tied up with something right now and she promises she will call you."

Now it's almost 9p.m. and she hasn't called...

So now I'm like... Well? Is this good news? do I have the job? she could have left a bad message on the voicemail, right? The last one that rejected me did...

Is she really that busy or is she putting off telling me bad news...

And the worst part about it is... I am a planner and an organizer... I need to make schedules... and lists... It's just in me... And I can't. Not til I know for sure...

What do I tell the other job about classes I can or cannot teach? What do I tell the externship? Do I register for different classes in the fall? Or are the ones I picked ok?

Ugh... does anyone else feel my pain?

you know... Misery loves company!

Settling In (Lulu)

It may have been the craziest...most overwhelming...move in history but its done. I really didn't realize it was going to be so rushed and crazy!

Now I am doing the unpacking and trying to get used to living not only someplace new but living with another family. Luckily for me Bex and her family have definately made me feel like it is my home too. Every night I go down to my room and it is amazing how relaxing it actually is. I dont feel the sress or the tension that I used to feel before I moved. I am actually able to sleep now.

I know that there are going to be soooo many more hurdles to jump before this divorce is over and I find a place of my own but for right now I just want to focus on the fact that I made it through this one. (course the girlz may say it was a close call! I was an absolute emotional wreck!) I really thought that it would be easier than it was. I didnt really lose it until I was doing the final walk through. I just looked around and all the emotional past hit me like a ton of bricks. I could mentally see the door slamming behind me!

Now that I am moved in and have had a few days to process it all I can finally see that the door may have closed behind me but now I see that there is another door opening right in front of me. It may take a little while before I get to fully walk through it but at least I can see that it is there. My Girlz are there with me and I know that if I start to lose track of it they will help pull me back on track. Because of them I know that I can make it!!!!!!

I am going to be a strong, smart, independent HAPPY woman that can accomplish anything! No longer will I let a man or anything/anyone hold me back or keep me from believing in myself!

Worst Move EVER (Zaad)

1. I'm glad we were able to help Lulu get packed and moved into Bex's basement. I don't know how other single women do crap without 3 other best friends. I mean, when I was married, I didn't feel like I NEEDED them as much, nor did Lulu. But, man, being single would be sooooo much harder without them.

2. Dude. That was the worst move ever. EVER. It wasn't so much a move as an *emergency evacuation.* I was picturing the four of us calmly packing her stuff into boxes and getting everything ready and organized to move. OH NO. It was nothing like that. It was more like: "Uh, I have nothing packed and I need to get out now." But. We did it. That's all that counts.

3. On a brighter note: tomorrow is Monday and we can all start over.

PHEW.

Remember (Bex)

STRENGTHN IN NUMBERS....

you can do anything if you have your support... One: you can get through this rough time and Two: i need help getting her through!!!


Which is why I called an impromptu emergency girlz meeting, to help get Lu packed and moved... Dude she almost started crying on me like 3 or 4 or 5 time yesterday, and I was like ok, look, where are the other 2?! I can't handle this sappy shit!

you know i mean that with the most love Lu!

Losing It (Lulu)

I just wanted to be able to say that through this whole divorce I was able to remain nice and respectful.....Who the hell was I kidding!!!!!!

Last night I lost it!!!! We were trying to work out the details of me moving out and signing the business over to him. I tried to do up the paperwork so that I not only covered my ass but it covered his as well. He wouldn't agree to any of the parts that covered me!! He got mad at me because I didn't "trust" him. How am I supposed to do that when more times than I can count he has said "I just keep thinking I should be a real asshole about all this!!!" I also just think it is smart for BOTH of us to have this in writing!

Needless to say we had to take it outside (cuz unfortunately this all took place at Bex' house)....sit in the truck...and hash it all out!

After awhile I just lost it! I did not sugar coat the reasons as to why I want a divorce! I was honest and blunt and no longer took his feelings into consideration. Part of me feels really bad about that though cuz I wanted to try and be as nice as possible...I wanted to be able to talk through all this stuff...I wanted to remain true to the type of person I am! I have always been pretty good about not letting my anger get to me and unfortunately that usually ends up with me getting the shaft but I was always able to be proud of how I handled myself. But THIS....THIS is getting harder and harder to remain nice! Why can't he see that I am just trying to do what is fair for both of us and the kids. I have no alterior motive like he thinks! And quite honestly if he were to put his emotions aside and really look at everything...I mean REALLY look at it all he would see that I am pretty much giving him everything....I am walking away with almost nothing! If he ends up making it so the courts have to decide everything then he will only have himself to blame when he has to pay up the ass and actually split the stuff with me!!!

But that is not how I want things to be....

Need all Positive Energy... Now Please! (Bex)

Ok, so I went on a job interview today...

Without going into great detail about the job itself...

I want this job. So much so, that I would be willing to seriously slow down on school for a semester to make it work.

All I am asking from everyone is to put out the good vibes or prayers or whatever it is you do when you really want something... so that I get this job!!!

Is that too much to ask?

Oh, and Thank you to everyone in advance...

When Words Are Not Enough (Lulu)

Right now my life is soooooo overwhelming

• Divorce - damn I never realized there was so much paperwork involved just to get it started. Paperwork that you have to have to file but yet the courts can't give it to you cuz there is no official forms. And here I thought it would be easier without involving an attorney.
• College - Of course I just have to decide to do it when I have everything else going on. So I officially go back to school on July 29th. In a few years I will actually have my Bachelors in Accounting. Its only something I have talked about for at least 10 years.
• House hunting - Basically I am screwed on buying a place (no credit...I was stupid enough to let him put everything in his name all these years), Renting isn't much of an option cuz the payments are like double what a mortgage payment would be.
• Job Hunting - I need more than the business that Mike and I own together...gotta have some security. I haven't written a resume in like 15 years!!!!!
• Emotions - well theres no explanation needed for that one. If ya don't like the mood I am in just wait a few minutes cuz it will change.
• Kids - doing my best to keep everything sane and as normal as I can for the situation

With all of this I have come to some major realizations. I always knew that my girlz are the best but I guess I never realized just how much I could actually depend on them. How do you say thank you when that really isn't enough. I sat there at girl night and just watched them all do everything they can to help me figure out all of this. Their brains and hearts were working so fast and hard that I was left with that feeling of ....well I really cant describe it! The sacrifices they were and are willing to make....the phone calls that were made....the words of encouragement that were said.....

For the first time since all of this started I actually feel like I am going to make it. I know it wont be easy and I know I will have moments of ....OH MY GOSH! What was I thinking!? But now I also know that when I have those moments I am not alone. When I need to be reminded of who I am....they are there to do it. I don't know how to thank you....nor do I know what I did to deserve such amazing friends. You give me courage, strength and laughter and words will never be enough to express my gratitude.

Two of the Most Beautiful Pictures I Have Ever Seen (Zaad)

So:

1. Thanks for finally posting jackass.

2. You couldn't have picked two more perfect pictures if you tried. Your girls, OUR nieces, are gorgeous. You should be proud.

and

3. The second picture is how I see Tink. It's the Tink that I think most of the world misses because she hides under a veil of toughness and rough edges. But that is her: laughing. Always laughing, especially when her girls are happy. She has a light in her that shines when she laughs that, I don't know, that open and loud and funny laugh that she has and this picture shows it perfectly.

Very nice, Tink.

Just sayin'.

The Sweet Life (Zaad)

Well, in following with Lulu's optimistic theme, I just want to say, I had a great weekend.

Yesterday, Tough Guy and I took all four kids to the park and met up with friends of his for a BBQ. The weather was good, the company was fun and most importantly, the kids all had a blast.

The boys even asked if we could all sleep at Tough Guy's house for a sleepover, to which I responded "not happening." And when they kept pestering me about my reasons, I finally said "And where would I sleep??"

Rie: With Tough Guy.
Me: OH REALLY?! And you don't think that would be weird or inappropriate at all?
Rie: [very, very loudly] You used to let Brian sleep over.

Thanks, son. Totally not necessary. And totally not the same thing. Call me a prude, but taking my kids to a boyfriends' house, even if he has 2 boys who are now best friends with mine, and staying the night still seems a bit hoe-ish. Maybe in time, but not yet. Seriously.

[And yes, I did let Brian sleep over. HERE. At MY house. And it was NOT within the first month with the boys home. It was way after they all got to know each other.]

I watched Itchy and Reese's Pieces today for a few hours and took them out to lunch. Because Bex had given me some money, I told the kids it was their choice. They picked Texas Roadhouse and me and the four yahoos [yes, I'm crazy] all had steaks for lunch. Motherfucking Yum, I say.

Then TG brought the boys out here, we hung out with my sister and Jeff for a while and TG's kids had a good time playing with Itchy and Reese's Pieces. I will say, however, that TG having 100% custody of his boys really puts a crimp in the sex life. Mine are gone 40% of the time so it's easy for me to find time. But hey, whatever. Things are going good, I'm not complaining.

The highlight of my morning was when I woke up this morning (late, Bex had to wake me up to watch her kids because 10 am came fucking FAST this morning) Riley informed me, in no uncertain terms, that "Ron can be your boyfriend, Mom."

That is freakin' huge because they are my number 1 priority and I know that part of the reason that TM and I had so many issues was because 1. he didn't get the whole parenting thing and 2. while the boys didn't mind him, I don't think they *liked* him all that much. Of course, its been a year now that the divorce was filed so they may be getting more used to the idea of me having a boyfriend.

So, that was my weekend. How was yours, Tink? (wink wink, write something jackass, LOL)

So Much Fun (Lulu)

For a while now my schedule has sucked quite frankly. I have really missed having all the girlz kids around. I was always the one that had the type of schedule that I could jump whenever any of them needed me. but with the way things have been with Mike, work, baseball etc. it seems like all I have been able to say is "no" lately. But this weekend is my weekend with the kids now that we split parenting time and I could say "yes" and it feels so great!

Zaad needed me to babysit while she worked today so the boys just spent the night cuz it makes it easier. Then Reese wanted to spend the night....actually the coversation went like this:

R: (Head down...foot playing with rocks...the sad little voice starts) Since all the kids are spending the night at houses can Lea spend the night?

M: No sweetie cuz Emerson and Riley are spending the night at my house and since Cody isn't there Lea needs to be. Would you like to spend the night at my house?

R: Yeah

M: Ok go "ask" your mom and dad

R: Dad I am spending the night at Aunt Lulu's and you have to pick me up in the morning.

J: What time do I have to pick you up?

R: ummmm 1 o'clock

So Reese joined my clan at the house. We stopped for ice cream on the way home, the kids mentioned popcorn and a movie so I stopped at the store and got popcorn, they played rock band and Play-dough, and we ALL laughed and had a blast!

Needless to say we never did watch a movie but Reese and Lea did eat popcorn (the other 2 just couldnt party any longer and had already fallen asleep). I made a big bed in the livingroom and we all crashed there.

It was so nice to let the kids tear thru the house and make a complete mess without worrying about anyone getting upset that the house wasnt clean or that the kids were making too much noise.

This is what I want my house to be like when all is said and done and I finally get my own place!

Home Run Hit (Lulu)

My son has waited forever to finally hit a home run! Too bad the one that he hit tonight that had enough force to probably make it over the outfield fence went foul.

So foul in fact that it went over the fence inbetween home and first plate. It then went straight for the windshield of a truck....and broke it!! Then it bounced from there and hit another car!

He was so worried that he would have to pay for it. I give the kid credit though cuz after the game he immediately ran up to the truck owners (who btw were parents of a kid on the OPPOSING team) to apologize. Thank goodness they just laughed it off and said that that is what insurance is for LOL!

Divorces Suck Big Donkey Dick (Zaad)

So everyone knows whats goin' on with Lulu and her soon-to-be ex-hubby. Well, Mr. Ex stopped by my branch today and literally seemed to want to be-friend with me. As if.

He literally waved his ring-less hand at me, smiling, and had this weird fake-charm thing going. It reminded me of dh. What is it with men? I was certain that he was there so I would text Lulu immediately after and gossip about him and her. She hadn't told me yet that they had taken their rings off and that everything was going through for good-good (but we all kinda knew). I felt like he had come in *first* to show me almost in an effort to get back at Lu for telling his mom about the divorce.

But I didn't.

He reads her texts, so I was not giving him the satisfaction. Sorry, dude, she is one of my best friends. No one is fooled by your fake niceness. Obviously, I'm on her side. Duh. As if.

But I feel bad for them. I know that this is just the beginning of the mind games and the roller coaster ride, especially for Lulu. I remember, too well, those nights of the whole Dr. Jekyll/Mr.Hyde thing coming out when two people who are getting divorced are still expected to co-habitate for the time being.

It's way worse than food poisoning. I mean, it really sucks THAT BAD.

But she has us. Her kids. Her parents.

They will all get through this in one piece, just a shit ton of suffering between then and now. For that, I'm sorry.

Just sayin'.

Sharing the News (Lulu)

Today was the day I have been dreading ever since I decided I wanted a divorce.....Telling my mother-in-law

I am very lucky that I have had a wonderful mil. I don't have any of those horrible inlaw stories to tell because quite frankly...I was friends with her before Mike and I even started dating. She has always treated me like I was her daughter and I love her like a true mom.

Today I had to tell her that I have decided to divorce her son because he hasn't told her yet and it has to be done. In some ways I am glad that I had to be the one because at least then I know that she will be told without it being a bashing. I have remained respectful to Mike...I have not bashed him to her or told her the things he has done...even tho he has bashed me to both my parents and his mother.

My biggest fear was that she would be angry with me...or worse yet...not want me to be a part of her life anymore. Deep down I knew she wasn't that type of person but when someone is very important to you and you know that what you have to say will be hurtful...you can't help but have that fear.

Well we talked for a long time and we cried. In the end we assured each other that no matter what we will always remain family. She will ALWAYS be mom to me and that we are both going to remain close. PHEWWWWW that was such a relief. She promised that she is not here to judge or take sides and that she knows her son is not perfect....no one is. I just keep thanking God that I have been so blessed to have her as my mil for 11 years.

Don't Worry Bex (Zaad)

About breaking my mood, anyways.

Because as you Girlz know, Tough Guy sent me this today while I was at the beach:

Yeah...I am still smiling.

(His God-Daughter was born this morning.)

Stepchildren.... (Bex)

Ok, first let me say, I am sorry Sarah that this seems to coincide with your good news!

I am so sick the double standards that are allowed in life. The one I am referring to at this moment is Respect.

My husband has this thing that he is not to be disrespected. And if anyone disrespects him, me, as his wife, should always have his back, no matter what...

Ok. whatever. so, weeks ago, his daughter, my step-daughter and I got into it on the phone. Rather, I tried to tell her that I didn't like where the conversation was going and didn't appreciate being talked to that way... And in her ever frustrating ways, she turned the conversation into a fight. I was very calm, and tried several times to explain that this was not about her getting the information she needed, this was about the way she was disrespecting me... She eventually told me, more like yelled to me, to "Fuck off" several times, and said some other nasty things... and eventually said, something along the lines, that we did not need to have any type of relationship.... that there was nothing.

So, I immediately sent my husband a text that said, "from now on you will deal with your daughter. she told me to fuck off and i will not deal with this any longer."

He said, "ok, i will take of it."

Now, remember that was weeks ago. That night he never asked what happened, or what was said. Never asked me a thing about the conversation. It just disappeared.

Yesterday, he says to the boys, "Sissy wants to take you guys out this week, she said she would let me know what day."

so, I say to him, "have you two ever talked about that conversation."
He says, "what conversation?"
I remind him... he says no.

so, Now I start fuming... Oh, it's ok to disrespect me, but not him. If this had been him disrespected by my child or one of my family members, you better damn well know that it would be addressed immediately or 'i don't have his back'.

well, this morning, i told him how i felt. And he actually said "what difference is it going to make? is it going to fix anything? we already don't talk that much, i would like to salvage what relationship i have with her."

fuck you both. is all i can say to that. yes, we had a little discussion, he tried to say, yes, you are right, you are my wife and it's not ok.

But you know what, those were all words just for me to feel better. because what he really meant he already said. he would rather me remain the punching bag and salvage what precious relationship he can with her. whatever.

all be damned if my boys are going anywhere with her until she apologizes to me first though.

The R-Rated Details (Zaad)

Psshhaaawww. As if.

You are all sickos for getting all excited.

I'm saving my R-rated details for Girlz night.

Obvously.

It's Monday.... (Bex)

It's now the day after the first date...

And no real details....

Ummmm.... we are waiting....

Need. Help. Now. (Zaad)

Ok Girlz. I'm doing it. I'm going on Match.com. In fact, I just came from there. I got stuck.

And I can't continue without help. Seriously. Here's where I stopped:

Describe yourself and your ideal match:

And then they give no less than 4000 character spaces to do so. Yeah, right. I was thinking I would just post my fucking blog address and be done with it, but then I figured no one would probably ask me out.

Kidding. I'm an awesome writer.

Well, apparently not. As 2Cents (Riley) would say: it looks like I've got *the writer's block,*

So. Start writing, please.

To My Girlz... (Bex)

I know these last few days have been rough for everyone...

I have been thinking a lot these days on what to do, how to make things right, and most of all how not to lose something that has been built...

I keep telling myself, it's not my "issue", don't get involved, blah, blah, blah...

But here's my two-cents anyway...

Some of us are offensive people, some of us are defensive people. Offensive people take their problem in their own hands and try to solve it; defensive people wait for the other person to attack and then only defend themselves...

I think the key here is to listen. Listen and actually hear what is being said. Admit fault if there is fault to be admitted and apologize. No person wants to be hurt and I feel like I can say no one wants to hurt someone else.

Friends care about one another... and make things right... no matter who is at fault, or who started it, or who they feel should do right first...
If you care enough about the other, make it right... There is too much love to be lost. We are all in this together...

It is amazing how much something so small, can get blown out of proportion, and how much it affects others that are not in the direct line of fire.

I love all you... and this is only my thoughts and posting a way to get them out... Take as you will!

My Rollercoaster (Lulu)

Its truly amazing how a persons emotions can change to so many different degrees in just one day. I started out the day feeling just ok. Not really sad but not really happy either. Then the kids woke up and my day became brighter! We had fun and we laughed and I was on cloud nine because this is how I want their life to be. I want them to be able to be kids and enjoy their freedom to play. I swear I could've danced the day away.

Then the realization hit home at some point that I was going to eventually have to face those mornings when my children wont be there to erase my so-so moods. Once I am divorced I will have to share my parenting time and I wont always be the one to tuck them in every single night (like I have from the moment each one of them was born) and I wont be the one always wishing them a good morning. I will have days when I am alone. And then set in the scared shitless mood.

Then my little gray hair started asking questions about what is going on between her daddy and I. I realized I finally had to tell her about the divorce. (I had already told my big gray hair a few days ago) She didn't cry or act sad. She was just concerned that Santa wouldn't know which house to go to...then asked if this meant she could finally get a cell phone (she's only 9) because some of her friends have cell phones because their parents are divorced. Of course I said no...and assured her that Santa would know which house to go to. Both my kids are actually pretty excited about going house hunting with me. That set in the shocked and surprised and relieved mood!!

Then the phone rang and it was Mike telling me he was almost done with work and would be on his way home. He hadn't come home since I asked for the divorce (yes he was respectful this time and said he wouldnt be coming home). Other than work (which we are able to keep strictly work thank goodness) I haven't seen him. Ok so here comes the nervous as hell mood!

The kids are in bed now after having an evening together with the four of us. Now the talking begins. The hurt shows in his eyes and it just kills me. I want so much to be able to take it away and say everything will be ok but I know that I am making the right decision. I know that we can't stay together just because he is hurting right now. So now I am in my strong mood...its the only way to get thru this.

He has decided to leave for the night again. I am sitting up alone. My thoughts are racing. And now I am in the sad mood where you just want to climb in a hole and never come out. I feel about 2 inches high and I feel I have failed because this is not where I wanted to end up in life.

I do know that tomorrow is another day and I will face it as always. For now I am allowing my moment of sadness because I also know that tomorrow I will have my moments where I want to dance and smile. And I will embrace those moments every chance I get!

Here's Where I'm At (Zaad)

I hate vague posts, but the people that need to know what this means will.

I don't want to fight.

• I find it disturbing to my wa and it affects my serenity too much to do it.

I don't want things to be weird.

• Friends should be able to move past things and still have each other's back.

I don't to talk about people or be talked about.

• This one should be obvious.

I am not in a good place right now. I am lonely. I am tired. It is hard to be alone and keep a house and parent by yourself. I rely on my friends for support and understanding and I want this to continue. I do not enjoy arguing and I don't want to do it anymore.

That being said, I am sorry for my part in any of this. And I mean that sincerely (since the written word cannot always communicate sincerity, that is my disclaimer). From here forward, I will not argue with anyone concerning petty things where, obviously, expectations were misunderstood by multiple parties.

If things cannot go back to normal, that is something that will make me sad for a long, long time. But for my part, I am going to try and move forward and continue my friendships, strengthen them when and where possible, and treat everyone with kindness and understanding. It is something that I have always tried to do, but I get that I'm not perfect, my best is all I can promise.

The past couple of days have been hard, and that's where I'm at now. I don't know what else to say or do. My heart is heavy and I hope this will pass.

My answer to Lu's question...(Bex)

This question is entirely too hard...

I gave it many a days thought and I don't know is the real answer.

Other than unemployed... never in a million years thought that would be the case...

I have somehow become or at least close enough, to what I have "dreamed". When I was say Mitchell's age, i think i wanted to be a doctor... and my best friend Sarah Jane wanted to be the first woman president... well i was a nurse, now i'm in law school, maybe i'll end up doing both our dreams...

I always knew I would be a mom, and I always knew that I would get what I wanted, if I worked hard enough... And I have: I have a wonderful family, a great husband, 2 beautiful boys, the best friends anyone can ask for, we have all the material things one could ever want: a house, transportation, the kids are spoiled...

so... I think I am living the dream,... now I just need a job.

Serious Frustration (Lulu)

I know we are doing the question thing....and I know I already posted my question for Bex...but I just gotta vent! If I don't I swear I will break something! Sorry for all the boohoo posts but it really seems to help me vent some and I figure if people dont feel like reading it they just dont have to!!!!

I have really been putting myself out there to fix this marriage. Even though EVERYTHING I ask for seems to be getting ignored! He says this is killing him and that he doesnt want this marriage to end....but then why does he seem to ignore everything I say!

The kids were gone for a couple of days and we tried to have a date night. It ended up being a night of complete silence...not to mention the fact that dinner was the only thing we did that didn't revolve around work (which I specifically said needed to be forgotten for the night because all we have become is work partners instead of marriage partners)!

I have tried communicating....I have tried to keep an open mind and push the hurt and angry feelings aside. We have both screwed up in this marriage and we BOTH need to work if we want to make it better! But tonight....tonight just PISSED me off!!

I thought we had a pretty good day (aside from the fact that he cant seem to take one day and forget work and chores)! Its Fathers Day...I know that its should be a dads choice for the day...but come on!!!! Shouldnt a dad want to spend the whole day with the family instead of doing chores and work! So anyway we had a little disagreement about that then moved on. We took the kids to the movies and saw Toy Story 3! It was so much fun. We even actually held hands during the movie! We laughed about a few things and spent the rest of the day together as a family. That was sooooo great!

All day he kept saying that the only work he had left to do was to run to the lot and move the rental trailers back behind the locked gates but that he was gonna wait till after the kids went to bed to do that. So I tucked the kids in bed and then we went outside to switch vehicles around...as I was trying to ask him about who had to leave first in the morning so that I would know which order to put the cars in he finally says "Oh well it really doesnt matter cuz I wasnt planning on coming home tonight"

SAY WHAT!!! Hold on....breathe....count to ten....don't blow up!

ME: Ok..."I take it you really werent going to tell me...so then I would worry about you and wonder if you are ok or not when ya dont show back up"

HIM: I really didnt think you cared all that much so what does it matter

Yep that was his response! He so does not get the mutual respect thing!! Just because we are having problems doesnt mean I dont care what happens to him! Not to mention the fact that this is soooooo not a 2 way street here! Why does he get to come and go as he chooses! Yes...I asked for a seperation....and he wouldnt give it to me....but that shouldnt mean that he can just not come home whenever he feels like it without having some consideration! And for those of you who know the whole situation you also know the other issues I have with this!!! I am sooo tired of those outsiders who only know his side of the story telling me that I need to try harder! I keep my mouth shut because I am trying to be respectful but it is getting harder and harder every day to do that when I am the only one giving respect and not receiving it in return!

Question for Bex (Lulu)

So....the kids and I were talking about their dreams for the future. It made me think about all the dreams I had as a kid. There were a few that I think about now and go....what the hell was I thinking!!!

So my question to Bex is this:

Think back to when you were a kid. What was one of your "dreams" that you had that is sooooo way off base from where you are now?

Career Choice (Lulu)

That one is actually pretty easy for me to answer. You guys know what a complete and utter number geek I am. I would love to be an accountant but not just some small time one. I would love to do the accounting for some huge ass company....maybe Bex's law firm when she gets HUGE and famous! Ok so wow...an accountant...you can all ooooohhhh and aaahhhhhh now over that majorly exciting career choice LOL!

Now for my question.....yeah its gonna have to wait till tonight cuz I have just spent the last 10 minutes staring at my computer screen and haven't come up with one yet!

Get Bloggin' (Zaad)

Ok. It's been too quiet. Let's do the question game. I'll go first.

Lulu: Other than a jeweler, if you could go back to 18, go to college and pick anything at all to study, what career do you think you would choose, knowing what you know now, at 29?

Drama (Zaad)

Don't get me wrong, I'm the same as everyone else: I don't mind a little drama here and there, no biggie, right?

What bugs the living shit out of me is when it happens due to shit that is out of my control, yet I still have a responsibility in cleaning up the mess. And let me tell you this: I am so tired of cleaning up dh's shit, you have no idea.

Ok, he lies, he manipulates, he doesn't care about anyone but himself, he doesn't respect me, and he sure as HELL doesn't give me credit for being a parent to OUR kids (the better one, if you ask me). But seriously?!

STOP FUCKING WITH MY FRIENDS.

So my mom, the G-ma, asks me today at dinner if the kids were going to Tink's all summer for sure, and I was like "Yeah, as far as I know, he said he asked his sister, but he said he'd get back with me and that was over a week ago." ..... And then I started to think: but this is dh. I'd better check, because you know, obviously.

And the conversation went like this [after I didn't get a reply to a txt asking "the boys ARE going to Tinks tomorrow, right?" AND I had to call twice]:

Me: Did you get my text?
Dh: Yes.
Me: ....and?
Dh: My sister said she could take the boys on Mondays, and on Tuesdays they can go to Tink's.
Me: But tomorrow is Monday, right?
Dh: Yup.
Me: So, they aren't going to Tink's tomorrow, they are going to your sisters?
Dh: Yup.
Me: And you weren't going to TELL me?
Dh:
Me: Thanks for letting me know. Call me when your company leaves. [click]

Obviously, Tink is pissed. And I don't blame her. I am pissed, too. More than pissed. She planned on 5 days, now she is getting 4. And to pour salt on it, he doesn't even tell us until the day before. Scratch that, he wasn't planning on telling us at all. If there is a Hell, I'm sure I have a good chance of going there, but dammitall Dh is earning a seat right next to the devil himself.

I have absolutely no energy left except to mutter this:

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

If you need me, I'll be the one rocking herself back and forth, mumbling, in the corner.

There Are No Winners (Lulu)

I asked for this seperation. I said I NEEDED this seperation. I need some time apart to get past the hurt...to get past the anger...and then maybe I can see if there is anything left to save.

How do I do that when he refuses to give me more than 2 days at a time. He informed me that he can't live that way. He said he needed to be at home. So he is here.

I don't want to fight...but I also cannot pretend that we are a perfect happy couple. He brought me a bouquet of flowers...but all I could think of was the fact that he has only done that when he has screwed up and is asking for forgiveness. He wants me to pretend that everything is ok...and I cannot do that. So instead I go about my business. I don't start a conversation...and I only speak back when he talks to me. He wants me to tell him how I am feeling...but I cannot. The kids are here...I cannot talk without crying...so therefor I just keep telling him "not right now...this needs to wait till later when the kids are in bed"

I am struggling to decided what I should or should not be doing. I want him to understand that this is just one more time where my wishes are being ignored. Its one more time when he is deciding what we should be doing. I know that at this moment he cant win...if he is being an ass then I would be pissed because he doesnt need to act that way...but this acting like we are happy isn't working either. I just cannot do it.

I'm lost....I'm confused...and I'm suffocating

Stupid Is As Stupid Does (Zaad)

What. The. Fuck. Is. Up. With. Stupid. People?!

They're everywhere. Everywhere, I tell you! And some of them probably even think I'm the stupid one. Poor misgudied morons. Today was a day full of idiocy, if you haven't caught on. Of course, if you haven't caught on, I'm probably talking about you.

My dad made me a sign. I keep it by my computer:

"Life's tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid." - John Wayne

I like to look at it. But I also think it could read equally as well like this: "Life's tough. It's even tougher if you have to manage stupid people's bank accounts."

Because, well, duh.

Anyways, aside from people thinking it is MY job to keep an eye out for THEIR over-spending, I was also dropped this bomb on me today: the new guy, we'll call him Trickster, tells us today that he is actually enlisted in the military. And leaving for basic training in September for TWENTY ONE WEEKS.

Wha????? What the fuck? All I could mutter was: Information that would have been useful anytime in the last MONTH WHEN WE WERE MAKING. THE. SCHEDULE. Grrrrrrrrrrrr. Because you know what this means???? This means that for most of September and most of October, I will be the ONLY BANKER at my branch. My boss will be on maternity leave.

And we can't HIRE help because neither is losing their job, although I'd like to fire the Trickster's ass if I could, because really!? I just got the help I needed and now you're telling I won't have that help anymore??? And I fought for this guy! I voted for him between the two very qualified applicants. I LIKE him. Or I DID.

Anyways, how are you all?