Ok... BREATHE...

My deepest apologies... I know most of us have completely neglected this site for some time. It was nice to logon and see Lu's post!

MY EXCUSE: I graduated from Law School! YAY! which means... December I was studying for finals and applying for jobs... I did get a new job (not law related) but I am teaching at SC4! And I love it... So, January and February I have been studying to take the MI Bar Exam and started working again.

MY RESOLUTION: After I take the Bar exam, I promise to make a better effort at making regular posts!

Ok gotta go... Wish me luck tomorrow (28th and 29th) and Wednesday on the Bar Exam... I better not have to repeat this... It is too expensive and too stressful!

And Lu, You are not alone girlfriend! We love you. Keep talking and writing and I promise you will feel better.

Living with Fear (Lulu)

From the time was a kid and my brother passed away I have had this fear...

I remember laying there at night and praying to God that he would give my parents the strength to continue each day, because I felt that no parent would be able to go on after losing a child.

Ever since then I have had a fear that something would happen to one of my own when I grew up.  Now I have 2 beautiful children and the fear is still there.  It's 100x worse now that I know Cody has Brugada's.

My logical mind tells myself that we are lucky.  We at least know he has it and we were given the opportunity to give him back up via the box in his chest.  That same part of my brain knows that I must live each day as normal, and allow Cody to live each day as if nothing were wrong.

Unfortunately that part of my brain that feels fear does not listen to the logical portion of my brain.  There is this constant battle going on in my head and it's driving me insane.  On the outside, especially in front of the kids, I try my best to maintain the normal every day person that I am...

but inside, my head is screaming.....

At night I have found myself waking up in a panic, and I have to go to his room and make sure he is ok,  I sit there and I watch him sleep and it takes all I have not to just grab him and hold him.

In the morning I no longer wake up to my alarm, but instead it incorporates itself into my dreams.  No longer is it the dreaded sound that means I have to get up, but instead its the box giving us the warning that his heart is about to do god aweful things.  I reach for him and grab him as he falls.  That's when I finally wake up.

Zaad has told me that the fears will pass, and I know she is right, but at the moment I do not see how that is possible.