Being forced to face it (Lulu)

It never seems to fail that whenever something in my life is troubling me life forces me to face it....in a big way!

My biggest problem right now is being away from my kids.  Cody especially.  I am fine when he is in the room with me but when I can't see him I worry.  I know this isn't healthy but I cannot help it.  I am so afraid something is going to happen and I won't be there to help him.  Mom's are supposed to be the ones that make everything all better.  And for Cody and I much of his life has been spent having me be the only one there for him to help him when he is hurt or upset.  My ex never believed him when he said he was in pain and if Cody tried to talk to him it was like talking to an emotionless robot.  So I have always felt that I had to be there for him even more.

Since the divorce their relationship hasn't gotten any better.  For quite some time now he has even refused to go see him.  When Lea goes he stays with me.  After the surgery Mike has been calling and talking to Cody quite a bit.  So finally Cody has decided to go spend the week there.

WTF!!! Why now!!!

Being gone to work is bad enough but now I have to go a whole week!! 

As soon as he told me it took everything I had not to lock him in his room and tell him there was no way in hell I was letting him go!  I wanted to scream "How can you do this to me!  How can you put me through that hell!!"

But instead I bit back the tears and told him that I hoped it worked out for him this time. 

Right before we left to drop them off I get this text

"Mom, don't worry.  I am going to be fine.  You are the best mom and I wouldn't wish for anyone else.  I will text you every day.  I love you"

Damn that kid!  I was trying so hard not to show any emotion.  I didn't want him to feel guilty for going because I realize this is my own fears doing this to me and it shouldn't affect him.  I want him to have a normal life.  How do you hold back those tears when you read a text like that and he is sitting only feet from you.  He didn't want to make a big deal in front of Lea so he thought it would be less emotional for me if he texted me that instead of saying it out loud.  UGH!!

So I have been forced to face time without him near me.

To top it off Topher left on Thursday for the weekend so I am by myself every night.

I'm getting thru it and every day seems to get a little easier.  Bex has helped a lot with chatting with me.  We even have plans for this weekend.  It will be sooooo great to hang out again.  I really need it.

I just have to figure out how to make the nightmares go away.  I really need to get at least one night of decent sleep.