In a Funk (Zaad)

Ok, this hasn't happened in a long time, but I think I may be falling into a funk.

My mind knows better than to let dh, Jenny, or any other person, place or thing get to me like this, but my heart - well I guess that's another story. I do not like who I am right now. I feel cynical, angry, maybe a little depressed and it's scaring me.

Normally I am able to pull myself out of this by changing the tape in my head, and that is what I'm trying to do. But it isn't really working. Not yet anyways. And the reason I know its bad is because I have not been relishing my alone time. Since I moved into this house, the days that I spend by myself are usually a welcome reprieve from life and stress.

But right now, when I'm alone, I have not been able to shut off the voices in my head. And I haven't been able to change them either. And don't get me wrong - I recognize this and know what to do to move on - it's just either not working or taking longer than usual. And the reason that scares me is because I fear the black hole of depression more than death itself.

You all know what happens if I fall back into that hole: I will isolate, I will avoid my friends, AA, I will dread work (more than usual) and I will be short tempered with the boys.

I have stayed out of that hole for 3 years, I am NOT going back. Period.

I am posting today on this blog simply because I know all 3 of you understand and it seems like the right place to pour my heart out right now. Plus without you guys, I would be in that hole already.

It's totally retarded, too, because the things that are getting me down aren't nearly as bad as the events of the entire last year. But I guess I'm usually strong through the major things and then the small shit ends up getting to me. It makes no sense. My plan is to keep trying to be positive to myself, keep writing to get this shit out of me, and above all, stay in close contact with my friends and family.

I'm not scared I'll drink (simply because of the throwing up aspect) but I guess, as it turns out, I can get down without having a relapse.

Oh well. That's where I'm at today, guys. I'll see you all tomorrow at Girlz night. Right now I'm going to finish painting my nails... and toenails (that's for Bex, who is probably just as concerned about my fingers and toes matching as she is about my psyche, LOL. Seriously).