My Rollercoaster (Lulu)

Its truly amazing how a persons emotions can change to so many different degrees in just one day. I started out the day feeling just ok. Not really sad but not really happy either. Then the kids woke up and my day became brighter! We had fun and we laughed and I was on cloud nine because this is how I want their life to be. I want them to be able to be kids and enjoy their freedom to play. I swear I could've danced the day away.

Then the realization hit home at some point that I was going to eventually have to face those mornings when my children wont be there to erase my so-so moods. Once I am divorced I will have to share my parenting time and I wont always be the one to tuck them in every single night (like I have from the moment each one of them was born) and I wont be the one always wishing them a good morning. I will have days when I am alone. And then set in the scared shitless mood.

Then my little gray hair started asking questions about what is going on between her daddy and I. I realized I finally had to tell her about the divorce. (I had already told my big gray hair a few days ago) She didn't cry or act sad. She was just concerned that Santa wouldn't know which house to go to...then asked if this meant she could finally get a cell phone (she's only 9) because some of her friends have cell phones because their parents are divorced. Of course I said no...and assured her that Santa would know which house to go to. Both my kids are actually pretty excited about going house hunting with me. That set in the shocked and surprised and relieved mood!!

Then the phone rang and it was Mike telling me he was almost done with work and would be on his way home. He hadn't come home since I asked for the divorce (yes he was respectful this time and said he wouldnt be coming home). Other than work (which we are able to keep strictly work thank goodness) I haven't seen him. Ok so here comes the nervous as hell mood!

The kids are in bed now after having an evening together with the four of us. Now the talking begins. The hurt shows in his eyes and it just kills me. I want so much to be able to take it away and say everything will be ok but I know that I am making the right decision. I know that we can't stay together just because he is hurting right now. So now I am in my strong mood...its the only way to get thru this.

He has decided to leave for the night again. I am sitting up alone. My thoughts are racing. And now I am in the sad mood where you just want to climb in a hole and never come out. I feel about 2 inches high and I feel I have failed because this is not where I wanted to end up in life.

I do know that tomorrow is another day and I will face it as always. For now I am allowing my moment of sadness because I also know that tomorrow I will have my moments where I want to dance and smile. And I will embrace those moments every chance I get!