Oooppssss... I meant to write sooner...

I know I said I was going to do better... But... I forgot... Well I passed the Bar Exam, but I am having trouble with Character and Fitness. Unfortunately, I have a skeleton or two in my closet (but don't we all...) And I didn't try to hide them... But apparently they think that I was not being 100% honest and forthcoming. So, I have to appeal the decision and go to a Hearing. If I don't appeal their decision, then I have to wait 2 years to apply to the Michigan Bar again. Go figure... I graduated Law School cum laude... I passed MPRE with a 94 (needed an 85 to pass)... I passed the Bar Exam (on my first try!)... And yet, apparently I do possess the requisite good moral and character to be accepted into the Michigan Bar... I am really not a bad person. I do have skeletons, only a two really... and I didn't really not disclose, I thought I was being as honest as I needed to be. Somethings really are private. It's really not fair... I mean really... Lawyers, Attorneys, Counselrs, Esquirers... whatever you want to call them, they don't have a bad reputation for nothing. Yet, minus two character flaws (bad at paying bills on time and the other is still too personal to divulge here) I have led a fairly honest life. I am not perfect, and by no means am I trying to even imply that. But the only two flaws that have a paper trail... the MBA believes that I was not honest enough about for them. Really? Before I got their decision, if it came back this way, I was going to let it go and reapply in 6 months (and be as honest as they want). However, if I do not appeal this decision, I have to wait 2 years to apply... and this is just to get my P number to practice law. This doesn't even guarantee me a job or work. UGH... My husband says that I have to fight this and appeal. And quite frankly, he is kind of right... I mean what do I have to lose, right? I can't practice as a 'real' lawyer right now. So, if i win this appeal, then i should be able to practice... if i don't i still right here in the same position. What he doesn't realize is that ever since I left 'the John' I have felt beat up, scrutinized, raped, questioned, and utterly defenseless. I am tired of trying to convince people that I am not a bad person. I am tired of defending my character or my judgments or my decisions or my words. TIRED. Yet, as always, I will continue the fight... I never really give up, even though I threaten it many times. It really is just frustrating that after 4 1/4 years of law school, passing the MPRE, studying for and PASSING the BAR Exam, I still may not be able to get my law license to practice ... at least maybe not for 2 more years.... Do I really have that much fight still left in me? I don't know... I have to file my appeal by May 21st. I will try to keep you posted.

It's that time... to fulfill my resolution

I said after the Bar Exam I would write more...

So here I am... Tomorrow I start my next rotation with my new students. I am teaching nursing OB clinicals for the time being. I actually hope to get the full-time position (yes, I know... my husband thinks I am crazy too).

The way I see it... I can actually work full-time for the college while I learn how to practice law. I have never really wanted to work for a big law firm, putting in 80 hrs a week minimum, just to make billable hours. My husband, the pot-stirrer, thinks I am "wasting" my education on teaching at the college. But I am not. And we need income. Full-time employment income. And if my department coordinator is right... I won't have to work summers, holidays, and college breaks. And I really do enjoy what I am doing. It is nice seeing nursing from their eyes. So fresh, so new, and so eager to do what is right and not cut any corners. So, yes I have applied for a full-time instructor position.

I feel this will leave me time to "shadow" a lawyer and learn. God-willing I passed the Bar Exam... (yes, I said God...) I even went to see my Estate Planning Clinic Staff Attorney the other day... and she said "that sounds awesome, then you can take on pro bono work from the school, and have the school's resources to back you up!" I can only do that if I don't have to go find a "real job" that pays... (Not that teaching isn't a real job... it is. I mean a real lawyer type job!)

So, I know it's alot to ask, being that I just asked for all your well wishes to pass the Bar Exam... but one more time... I ask that you keep your fingers crossed that I get this full-time position... Then I promise to help as many "needy" people as I can while I am still in the learning phase (as I feel it is...)

Thank you all for being so very patient with me through the course of law school... It was long and tedious... But for now, we are done!!!

Being forced to face it (Lulu)

It never seems to fail that whenever something in my life is troubling me life forces me to face it....in a big way!

My biggest problem right now is being away from my kids.  Cody especially.  I am fine when he is in the room with me but when I can't see him I worry.  I know this isn't healthy but I cannot help it.  I am so afraid something is going to happen and I won't be there to help him.  Mom's are supposed to be the ones that make everything all better.  And for Cody and I much of his life has been spent having me be the only one there for him to help him when he is hurt or upset.  My ex never believed him when he said he was in pain and if Cody tried to talk to him it was like talking to an emotionless robot.  So I have always felt that I had to be there for him even more.

Since the divorce their relationship hasn't gotten any better.  For quite some time now he has even refused to go see him.  When Lea goes he stays with me.  After the surgery Mike has been calling and talking to Cody quite a bit.  So finally Cody has decided to go spend the week there.

WTF!!! Why now!!!

Being gone to work is bad enough but now I have to go a whole week!! 

As soon as he told me it took everything I had not to lock him in his room and tell him there was no way in hell I was letting him go!  I wanted to scream "How can you do this to me!  How can you put me through that hell!!"

But instead I bit back the tears and told him that I hoped it worked out for him this time. 

Right before we left to drop them off I get this text

"Mom, don't worry.  I am going to be fine.  You are the best mom and I wouldn't wish for anyone else.  I will text you every day.  I love you"

Damn that kid!  I was trying so hard not to show any emotion.  I didn't want him to feel guilty for going because I realize this is my own fears doing this to me and it shouldn't affect him.  I want him to have a normal life.  How do you hold back those tears when you read a text like that and he is sitting only feet from you.  He didn't want to make a big deal in front of Lea so he thought it would be less emotional for me if he texted me that instead of saying it out loud.  UGH!!

So I have been forced to face time without him near me.

To top it off Topher left on Thursday for the weekend so I am by myself every night.

I'm getting thru it and every day seems to get a little easier.  Bex has helped a lot with chatting with me.  We even have plans for this weekend.  It will be sooooo great to hang out again.  I really need it.

I just have to figure out how to make the nightmares go away.  I really need to get at least one night of decent sleep.

Ok... BREATHE...

My deepest apologies... I know most of us have completely neglected this site for some time. It was nice to logon and see Lu's post!

MY EXCUSE: I graduated from Law School! YAY! which means... December I was studying for finals and applying for jobs... I did get a new job (not law related) but I am teaching at SC4! And I love it... So, January and February I have been studying to take the MI Bar Exam and started working again.

MY RESOLUTION: After I take the Bar exam, I promise to make a better effort at making regular posts!

Ok gotta go... Wish me luck tomorrow (28th and 29th) and Wednesday on the Bar Exam... I better not have to repeat this... It is too expensive and too stressful!

And Lu, You are not alone girlfriend! We love you. Keep talking and writing and I promise you will feel better.

Living with Fear (Lulu)

From the time was a kid and my brother passed away I have had this fear...

I remember laying there at night and praying to God that he would give my parents the strength to continue each day, because I felt that no parent would be able to go on after losing a child.

Ever since then I have had a fear that something would happen to one of my own when I grew up.  Now I have 2 beautiful children and the fear is still there.  It's 100x worse now that I know Cody has Brugada's.

My logical mind tells myself that we are lucky.  We at least know he has it and we were given the opportunity to give him back up via the box in his chest.  That same part of my brain knows that I must live each day as normal, and allow Cody to live each day as if nothing were wrong.

Unfortunately that part of my brain that feels fear does not listen to the logical portion of my brain.  There is this constant battle going on in my head and it's driving me insane.  On the outside, especially in front of the kids, I try my best to maintain the normal every day person that I am...

but inside, my head is screaming.....

At night I have found myself waking up in a panic, and I have to go to his room and make sure he is ok,  I sit there and I watch him sleep and it takes all I have not to just grab him and hold him.

In the morning I no longer wake up to my alarm, but instead it incorporates itself into my dreams.  No longer is it the dreaded sound that means I have to get up, but instead its the box giving us the warning that his heart is about to do god aweful things.  I reach for him and grab him as he falls.  That's when I finally wake up.

Zaad has told me that the fears will pass, and I know she is right, but at the moment I do not see how that is possible.

Come On, Girls! (Zaad)

So, we haven't written in a while and instead of bitching, I figured I'd just write.

I know that I am not always motivated to write on here because I like to keep my peeps updated on my own blog, (I wouldn't want to start a riot with my tens of followers or anything, heh) and one can only do so much writing.

Or, rather, I can only do so much writing.

*sighs* *needs a good topic* *writer's block sux ass*

When I don't have anything to write about, I usually start a gratitude list, but today I am going to use work as my fallback. 

Lately, it feels like my branch is forming into a family.  I love it.  It's always hard to start at a new branch, and in my field, I'm what we call a *branch jumper*- I switch around a lot.  Some of it is intended, some of it is not.  Just when I get really comfortable where I'm at and start to love the ones around me, I move.

This time it has taken much longer than usual, but it's probably due to the fact that my old manager and I were like long lost soul sisters.  It has made connecting with my new manager much more difficult than I expected.  Because while I don't say it, obviously what goes through my mind is a lot of *omg, Amy would never do/be/act like that*.  But - things have really done a 180 and it's a relief.

So, what changed?  Well, among having the best BFAW [best friend at work] ever, and having some work peeps over for game night, it really helps that I am dating a customer.  A customer that, IN FACT, went INTO MY BOSS'S OFFICE and asked if HE COULD DATE ME.

YEP.

After spending about 20 minutes my boss's office, during which I started sweating and shaking [mainly because I am not really sure if dating a customer is ALLOWED even, and I really thought my boss was going to angry with me] TJ left the office, and left the branch - without even looking at me.

He did it on purpose of course, he knew I was dying and wanted to know what was going on, so he probably had one hell of a chuckle to himself as he walked out.  Ten seconds later, my phone rings, and of course, Marc [jackass teller next to me] jumped to answer it, laughing his ass off: "Boss wants you in her office, Sarita."

UGH.

"Shut the door."
"You know, this feels a lot like when I was growing up and my dad would say *step in my office....*"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yep.
"So, is there anything you'd like to tell me?"
"Not really."
"How's Tim?"
"Who?"

Ok, so she finally starting laughing, said it was fine, and I started breathing again.  What followed was a really sweet conversation where she gave me advice, I listened attentively, she told me her opinions, I thanked her for not firing me, etc. etc.

All in all, it ended up being a real bonding moment.  I think that she now feels somewhat like my bank mom and likes it.  Almost like we have been searching for something to bond over, but on a personal level, we just haven't had ANYTHING in common.  But now we do, she's know TJ for years. 

Even if TJ and I don't work out, it's kind of cool that my boss and I are closer now.  This happened over a week ago and I didn't feel like writing about it in case I was imagining it, but in the past week, my boss and I have laughed and joked together more than we have in the previous 6 months. 

It's a good thing.

Just sayin'.

A Boss that Cares (Lulu)

I have always been the little guy at any job I have had and lets just say that my idea of "corporate" was not a very nice one.  I always had the idea that the big CEO's sit in their pretty little offices and that they have no clue what goes on in the little guys life nor would they even know who any of them are.

I had a incident that happed recently that turned that image around for me.  I love the company I work for and I love what I do.  But up until the other day I never realized that there are still a few CEO's who actually care about what happens in the lives of their employees.

I was the victim of a scam and on payday my bank account got wiped out.  As with everyone else in the world...I live paycheck to paycheck.  Not having that money meant that bills weren't gonna get paid and I wasn't going to be able to put food on the table while my kids were there.  Needless to say I lost all sense of hope and actually broke down at work in tears.  My manager called me into her office to find out what was going on so I told her.  At the end of the day she again pulled me in the office and told me that she had talked to the big guy (giving only minimum details) and asked what they should do.  His response..."Write her another check"

I was so blown away

The thing is, is that it does not stop there.  While I was at work the next day my big gray hair actually tried to call the CEO of the company to thank him.  Of course he could not get through to him but left a message anyways.  I was so proud of him.  As soon as he told me he did that my head went through the whole thoughts of....1. uh yeah kid, first of all it's the big guy so of course you wouldn't be able to actually talk to him.  2. It's a Saturday so of course you wouldn't reach him.  3.  The big guy will probably never get the message and even if he does why is he going to pay any attention to some kid of some employee.  Of course I never said that to Cody but I thought it.

BOY WAS I WRONG!!!

Yesterday my son received a letter in the mail, written and signed by the big guy himself, telling him he had gotten his message and that he was blown away that a teenage boy took the time to call his mothers employer just to say thank you.  He said the nicest things to my son and it touched my heart.  Not only that but he included a $50 gift card to Outback Steakhouse with a sticky note that said "here you can take your mom out to dinner". 

I am proud to say I work for a boss who actually cares about the little guys.

My kids (Lulu)

Tonight was a night filled with sappy moments between my kids and it makes me realize just how lucky I am to have the kids that I do.


So this is my big gray hair.

And this is my little gray hair.

Yeah they have their moments, and yeah they can surely drive me crazy, but tonight I feel blessed.

We had such a great night bowling and we even took my son's girlfriend along.  Even with her there my son made sure and took the time to help his little sister.  He would go up there and coach her on ways to throw the ball.  He would cheer for her when she actually got a pin or two down.

At one point we were all laughing and she just stopped and looked at me and said "I am so lucky mom.  I have the best brother in the whole world."  She kept going up to hug him and he would hug her back. 

I don't know about any of you but that is NOT how I remember things with my brothers.  Our time spent together usually ended up with someone bleeding.  And you would NEVER catch any one of us admitting that we actually loved each other.

I almost started getting teary eyed (yes girlz, I know, that doesn't actually take much) when his girlfriend was telling me about how last week when they were at their dads he actually told her they had to put the phone call on hold because he needed to go tuck his sister in.  That has been the hardest thing for me with the divorce because I have tucked them in every night since they were born.  Knowing that he takes care of her and does it for me seems to make it a little better.

I couldn't ask for anything more right now.

The Break Up Kit (Zaad)

I did it.

I broke up with JD. :(

But I was prepared with my break up kit <- over there, first.  It was already pointed out to me that I forgot smokes and Diet Pepsi, but trust me, it's all right here next to me.

Bex was here for moral support (thanks, btw) and I was able to get through the horribleness of breaking up with someone.

I hated hurting him.  But I know in my heart it was the right decision.  I know this because, inside, I feel mostly relieved.  The pain I am feeling is mostly from feeling bad that I hurt him.  And I loved that he fit in so well with my friends and family.

If only he *got* me.... 

But he didn't, and I couldn't make him understand. 

I do want to say a big fat thank you to all 3 of my Girlz for being here for me.  Your texts and support mean so much.  I always know that I am never really alone.  I am lucky in that way.  And of course, to have my sister here was beyond helpful.  I was literally shaking.  I gave him the option of talking in person, but he just wanted me to say what I had to say and get it done with.

I told him the truth:  that I didn't feel that he and I were going to work;  that I felt like he needed to get his life together, on his own, and I couldn't have the pressure of making everything ok for him.  HE needs to do that.  I told him that everything felt like way too much for me;  that he wants a different type of relationship than I do.  I couldn't say much more than that, except that I was extremely sorry.  Because I am.

He's already been here to get his stuff.  It was extremely awkward.  But, now... now I am eating candy.

Am I EVER going to find someone that loves me as much as he did, yet gets me?  Am I ever going to find someone that can go at just the right pace?  Not too slow, not too fast, just normal?  Am I ever going to find someone who is both awesome and wants me for who I am? 

I'm not going to change.  I mean: hopefully I will always continue to grow and change and learn, but I'm not going to change who I am inside.  Not really.  I am who I am. 

Just sayin'.

Dude. Boys Suck. (Zaad)

Ok, so honestly, Bex is going through more shit than me right now, and I get that, but dude, seriously, BOYS SUCK. And due to our very real and very frequent history of *sympathy feelings*, this could all, indeed, be HER fault.

[Don't even get me started on the other day when my bladder actually hurt and I had a spot of BLOOD in my urine at the EXACT moment when she was getting a CAT scan on her bladder done and she literally thought she peed her pants.  STOP messing with my wa (or my vagina), Bex!  It's really weird.]

So it's possibly due to the fact that her and Jeff are fighting that I feel like this. However, right now, I feel like BOYS SUCK.  JD is great and all, and perhaps maybe he's right and I'm not all that great, but at least I know my faults and fucking apologize if and when I EVER even THINK I may have hurt his feelings.   Why are guys so different?  Why is saying you're sorry either 1. unheard of or 2. even difficult at all??

If you're a douche, than you get to apologize.  If you don't want to EVER be wrong, you're on a hard, tight line that you will fall off of.  Because I know ONE thing for absolute certain, I will NOT be starting any relationship whatsoever with double standards of any kind.  Period.  That's the God's honest truth.  I have learned that you teach people how to treat you and if you accept certain behaviors and double standards in the beginning, than you'd better be ready for it for the long haul.

OBVIOUSLY the honeymoon is over.  Whether JD wants to be a part of my life is entirely up to him right now.  Currently, I think he is so prideful and so into *me* being the one to say I'm sorry, that he JUST MAY be stubborn enough to shoot himself in the foot with this one. 

And for something so stupid, really.  But, in this instance, it really is the principle of the matter and I'd rather be alone than feel like I'm settling for double standards.

Your turn, Bex.

Just sayin'.

At one moment... I thought I was going to die... (Bex)

Ok, I had such an odd morning...

I was supposed to go to my make-up class this am... But as usual I was running late this morning, so last minute I decided that I was going to do the other errands I had to do in Oakland County. (The mediation training I had done needed some paperwork, before they could schedule my practicum... AND I still needed to do my Ward visit for my guardianship review.)

As part of one of my classes, we do Guardianship reviews. (For those of you who are unfamiliar... Guardian is the person looking after the ward; Ward is the incapacitated individual; the reviews are done yearly by a 'court officer', today that 'court officer' was me!)

So just to preface this correctly... I did not know what type of apartment complex this was that I was walking into... (senior living, mental disability, etc...) I did not know why the ward was incapacitated... (physically, mentally, etc...)

So the ward meets me in the lobby and asked, "so do you want to go to my apartment or sit down here?" And actually I needed to go to the apartment to "observe" his living situation. So as we were walking to his apartment... down several long hallways, and up a set of stairs, he says, "we should take the stairs because they will wonder why I have a woman in my apartment and it will be safer for you." And I looked around, nobody was out in the hallways... So, I blew it off, he seemed quite "normal" and I still couldn't figure out what his "disability" was... Most of the talk has been pretty "normal".

Then we go into the apartment and as I'm sitting down in the chair he has pulled out for me... He is folding and placing a rug next to the door to cover the light/sound from the hallway... "Now, a little voice is saying, Ok little odd, maybe not safe... Nah, he seems harmless..."

Then we start talking and shortly I discover what his disability is... with these statements that he made to me during the conversation:
1. I was abducted many times and raped when I was an infant...
2. I started seeing a psychiatrist, and I know now that my father was not one of the men lined up to rape me when I was an infant, it was someone that just looked like him, a lot like him...
3. One of my sisters is an imposter, I could tell in high school...You know how you can tell when one is working and the other is not...
4. By the way, did you know about my injuries... The cannibals got a piece of my skull, I have (a lot of misc) broken bones in my face, and an X shape fracture in my face...
5. They have abducted and doped me up a lot and made me do things and lined up to rape me and there were people watching from the window...
(Yes at this point, I started to think... Oh my god, this is it, this is were I am going to die... he was harmless, never made any move or anything ... just scary delusions that I didn't want to be a part of!)
6. I was seeing a girl whose ex boyfriend just out of jail for murder and he is trying to kill me and there was a witness that lived across the hallway and they said she moved out, but I don't think so...
7. (My favorite!) They call this psychosis, but I don't think so, those people are too evil and real...

At this point, I kindly made my exit as quickly as I could... It was weird because even though he told me so many details of these obvious delusions, we did have numerous periods of conversation that felt so "normal" (like talking about the date, weather, going grocery shopping, ...).

As I was walking out of the apartment he pointed out his "sound-makers"... These were items that he propped against the door so if anyone tried coming in when he was sleeping, he would wake up (they included a big box, sticks for either side of the door, and a screwdriver for the top of the door)

He was truly a pleasant man to speak with... but for any of you who know me, I don't know how to handle "insanity". It took everything in my body to not laugh, because when I'm that uncomfortable that's how I can handle things... Ok sometimes, and this happened to be one... I wanted to laugh... Is this man for real or is he really fucking with my head?????

I made it out safely... But rest assured, If and when I do another one... I will take someone with me!!!

Hope you all have a safe day/night!

OMG... The end IS near!

Ok, Ok, Ok...

So I was doing my routine check of the numerous emails (ha, ha) that I receive... And this one was in my Inbox today...

Dear Rebecca *******:

We are drawing nearer to the day when your law school career will be complete! The commencement ceremony for the Marion M. Hilligan class will be held on Saturday, January 21, 2012 at 3 p.m. at the MSU Auditorium in East Lansing.

HOLY SHIT. Is this really happening? Is there really an end to this "hell"? Ok, this semester (the last semester) has actually been fun and exciting and new. But I actually have a graduation date? I never really felt that this day would come.

And then what? Ok, so then take the Bar Exam... and then what? Be a lawyer? ME?

Today I actually finished the State Court Administrative Office (SCAO) Mediation Training. (I still have to do the 40 hour practicum) But now I can technically be a Mediator. And tomorrow I have 2 client interviews for my Estate Planning Clinic, where I am a Student Attorney and actually representing these clients. It's really kind of an exciting time right now (as far as school and learning is concerned).

Thank you girls who responded to my email tonight... It meant a lot. I was really excited when I got it and then really disappointed that the person I live with didn't share in my excitement... (for whatever reason, he may be sick, and then he just might not care... who knows nowadays...). So when Tink and Zaad responded in excitement it was kind of cool to share... And sorry Tink about the rampage that ensued about the disappointing spouse! Thanks for being there!

Hope you all have an exciting Saturday morning like I hope to have!

Alone and Angry

I am so frustrated...

Why is it that when I am not working, I get treated like a roommate he doesn't like?

I know he has been under stress at work and we have many different issues/ stressors related to finances... And when he asked me (almost desperately) to take care of a few issues, ones that I really didn't want to handle (like talking to the builder of our house about renewing our land contract) I took on "the projects", to alleviate his stress on the homefront. And yet, the "bad mood" persists.

The "bad mood" started when we got home from the Girlz Camping weekend and continues yet today. It ranges from nasty comments about the music or tv shows I like, to pissing and moaning about football practice (that he doesn't even have to go to) to leaving trash and dirty clothes on the tables and floors to not eating dinner if I cook something he doesn't want to eat to saying snide comments about my friends or turning the tv up so loud on Girl Night that we can't hear each other talk...

And I don't know what to do... I tried confronting him nicely last night with the... "Are we ok?" "I know your are under stress, but it's starting to feel personal" And all I got was "We are fine."

And he sleeps every moment that he is not working. I mean he is either working at work, working at home, or sleeping. My brakes are so bad they are grinding and I feel unsafe in my car, and I have asked 3 times to take care of it... And that started week and a half ago. And yet my brakes are still not done and he was sleeping before I put the kids to bed (on a school night).

I know I need to address this... but I am so angry I don't know where to start.

And so alone.

A Day for ME! (Lulu)

So for the first time in a VERY long time I have had a day just for me.  I am finally learning to embrace this whole being alone thing and I actually enjoy it (ok so I wouldn't want it ALL the time but a day here and there is great).  After the way things have been lately I needed it.

Work has been completely overwhelming and I have been working a shit-ton of hours.  Part of me feels very honored that my boss thinks so highly of me and keeps giving me new things to do but the other part of me feels as though it is just too much. She keeps saying "I want you to start doing this because I am tired of it getting messed up and I want it done right"  The only problem is that all the of the deadlines do not mesh very well and by Wednesday I was almost in tears.  I talked with one of the girls for awhile about it and it definitely made me feel better.  By Friday I had organized myself better and I think I have it under control at least.  I can manage what I have but if my boss asks for more I am just going to have to tell her I cannot take on any more.  Luckily she is the type of boss who understands and would rather you say something.

I decided yesterday that I was leaving work on time and that I was just going to enjoy my weekend.  I do not have my kids so there isn't anything I have to tend to with them.  Topher is gone for the weekend so we wont be going out or doing anything.  And I didn't have to work so this weekend is for me!

A girl I used to work with came over last night and we watched a movie.  It was so great to just sit back, have a drink, and just chit-chat!  I had planned on sleeping in but apparently my body doesn't realize that I didn't have to be up at the butt ass crack of dawn for once, so of course by 7am I couldn't just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling anymore so I started my day.  I got some house cleaning done and played on the computer.  I walked around Meijers with Bex for a bit and even spent some time on the phone chatting with my kids.  I love that they call me even when they are with their dad.  It really helps me get through the week without them.  We have such a good time when we are together and I am enjoying them tremendously.  It's hard to say goodbye at the end of our week.  I don't feel as though I need a break or anything.  Tomorrow they come home and I cant wait!!!!

The Single Life No More (Zaad)

Ok.  I write every day, well almost, so it's really no biggie to start posting over here once in a while. Again.  As long as its a joint effort.  [That sentence fragment was my rant.  JSYK.]

Let's see.

So far, I am having a wonderful weekend.  It is just over half way done and JD and I have spent almost the entire time together.  We spent last night at his house with his son and daughter.  He has a great relationship with his teenage son and I really respect that.  It was refreshing to see.  Today, we went to the batting cages with him [where I watched - even though I wanted to hit really, really badly - but the potential pain in my back won out and I sat it out].  It was more fun than I expected.

This evening we had Sunday dinner at my folks with Lulu and Topher and that was a motherfucking blast.  NO KIDS anywhere.  It was awesome.  And Lulu and I actually got to spend some time together bonding over both being in fun relationships right now.  It was so bad, it bordered on sappy.  But, when it comes to spending time just Lu and I, that's usually how we roll.

Now I'm relaxing and writing.  What more could I want?

[A camper, a closer work location, not having to financially depend on alimony, dh not to move farther away, having a *history* with JD.......]

Yes, Bex, being single definitely has it's good points.  But you already know that the grass isn't always greener - in fact, it rarely is.  Being single is also stressful, difficult, lonely at times, and really fucking overwhelming.

This month marks 2 years in my house.  I can hardly believe it.  I really hate the thought of rushing JD and I into burning out, but not nearly as much as I am ready to be done being single.  Not that I want to get married next month or anything, but to have someone steady, nice, and reliable around?  Yeah, that sounds great.  I have hope right now and right now, I am really fucking happy.  Not just *eh, life is good* happy, but *Hey, life is grand, don't fuck it up, Sarah* happy.

But.  You know - we'll see. *wink*

Just sayin'.

GIRLZ.... Where are you?

Where are my girls....????

There has not been much posting here lately... And I know that I am a hurge culprit of my accusations... BUT we need to get back to writing here!!!

Or we will lose all of our "loyal customers"!!!!

Don't make put out a stupid "If you had to..." or "Tell me about..." I seriously hate those "make you write moments"!!!

Ok... now that i ranted...

I am so awake, and so jealous of my single peeps. We (myself and the pot-stirrer) entertained Bumpa tonight with a couple of card games... Or rather Bumpa entertained me... Pretty sad, when you rely on your father to come over to entertain you. (no offense dad!)

And it's not that I don't want to something with or that I don't want to be entertained by my husband (the pot-stirrer).... He just seems to be content with being home and doing nothing. And when it's just the two of us, or us and the kids... He is sleeping by 10, probably more like 9 most nights...

I want to have FUN. preferably with my husband... But he sleeps so much lately that I am bored with him most evenings.... (ok, maybe not completely bored, Itchy does have football practice that I take him to and sit and watch). But I want to "adult fun" with my husband. I want to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.

And the catch to it all is that if I'm texting my Girlz, he gets annoyed because I'm not spending "time with the family"... It's not like we even have these great conversations... It's quiet, small talk, or conversation/yelling at the kids.

When does the FUN in life come back? How do I get my husband to ant to spend with ME. I need attention too, damnitall!!!!

Hope you all are having fun!!!!!!!

Mr. No-Shoes

Ok, so today the boys had a dentist appt and then we were going to visit a friend and run a couple of errands...

Only as we are pulling into the dentist office, my oldest son (10 1/2 yrs old) says, "Mom, I don't have any shoes... Did you grab my shoes?"

Me: "How did you, NO, WHY did you walk out of the house without any shoes? When I specifically yelled, Get your shoes on and get in the car?"

Itchy: "Um, I don't know..."

So we search the car... the car that had just been cleaned out from the camping weekend... And of course, there are no extra set of shoes in the car. So, Pooh, the 5 yr old had a pair of rollar blades in the car. So, I took out the inserts and made Itchy try and put those on. Yes to wear on his feet as shoes to get his cleaning done. And yes, it looked like one of Cinderella's evil step-sisters trying to fit into the glass slipper....
I then walk into the dentist office and sign in and wait to speak with the receptionist, only she was busy. So, the Dentist we see, Dr. F. walks over and says "May I help you?" And I very calmly explain that my wonderfully smart son forgot his shoes and that I can run home and get them but then we would be late.... And after much laughter he says, "I'm ok with him coming in without his shoes, we don't have a No-shoes, No-service policy, if you are ok with it and everyone else is ok with it..." Yes, there were two other ladies in the waiting room. Neither one said anything... Smart for them!!!

So My child get his teeth cleaned today without shoes on....

As we are checking out, the receptionist says, "ya know, you can always go to the dollar store and get a pair of pink flip flops to keep in the car, in case this ever happens again!"

So, yes... I am going to get a pair of pink flip flops and bedazzle the fuck out them so this never happens again...

And yes, I did not let him live it down today... I told everyone we ran into, "oh, and this is my no-shoes son..."

I'm pretty sure he will remember his shoes next time!!!!~

Sleep is my enemy

I am so tired of sleep being my enemy...

I can't fall asleep at night

And I so tired in the mornings....

Tonight should have great and it was ... School is done for the semester, only one semester to go, I am at peace (somewhat with the job/no job issue), my family was together and we were having fun watching an old zombie movie...

When I rec'd this email from Itchy's father:

"Rxxxxxa,Can you help me understand what part of the presentation we went to yesterday you did not comprehend? We had two conversations regarding me not being able to pick Mitchell up tonight. One of the conversations was in front of Dr. Palmieri, and the other you continued today via text messaging. Why is this is still happening and more important, why would you do that to Mitchell? The first thing discussed in the presentation was don't have the kid make calls to see what is going on. BUT you STILL had Mitchell call me tonight to ask if I was coming to get him. Rebecca, possibly, if it was an issue for Mitchell, which I doubt it was since he and I talked about it Monday, you could have simply said, "your Dad is having car trouble right now and he wasn’t able to pick you up tonight”.
Dr. Palmieri – possibly you can help me understand why Mrs. LaBond would continue these antics, especially after the presentation you required us both to attend yesterday. I'm looking forward to a response from you sir in regards to this on going issue."

Why do I get this asshole response everytime my son wants to call his father? I will never say No to the kid when he asks... And I'm trying to let it affect me, but come on man... I Do NOT put my son in the middle. I do NOT play 'antics' with my son's mind. period. I don't. Get over yourself asshole and get over me already. Move on... for christ's sake, you are remarried and have a daughter. Either be a part of Itchy's life or don't. But STOP playing games. We are not teenagers anymore.

Sorry for the rant, but this is what is causing me to not sleep, this night anyway.

Hope the rest of the world can and is sleeping tonight.

Finding the Line (Lulu)

So the past couple of weeks have been pretty rough with the ex. We are back to fighting like crazy and I am having a hard time dealing with it. I really had thought that we were past so many things. But now I am having a hard time finding that line...

When is being nice and taking the bullshit the right thing to do so that there is peace for the kids and when is it necessary to fight so that he is no longer controlling me and my life?

It all started a when he needed me to drop off money and we couldn't agree on a time. He wanted me to wait till the next day because his girlfriend (whom I have not met) was going to be there...but I couldn't do it the next day. I did not see what the issue was considering we had already talked at length about his girlfriend. I told him that I was happy for him, I was glad the kids liked her, and hell he had even asked me for advice and I had given it to him. He tried to say afterwards that he was afraid I would start something...if he was really worried about that then why did he feel so comfortable talking about her with me that he had even brought up their sex life (EWWWWW!!) I do not care how O.K. I am with them dating...I DO NOT want to hear about it! It just grosses me out!!!

Ever since that night the fighting has gotten progressively worse. He is back to arguing about what school my little gray hair should be in. His reason, and only reason, for wanting to switch her back is because it will be more convenient for him. Never mind the fact that her current school has way more opportunities for her!

I am expected to run any babysitters by him first but yet I found out he is letting his new girlfriend watch the little gray hair and I havent even met her! He never ran it by me or asked me!

The final straw came on Friday when I get a text from the big gray hair saying he cant pick his sister up from the sitters cuz his dad needs him to go pick up his mother from work. Why should I have to change my schedule around for him? It was my week with the kids! I do not mind changing my schedule if it is because he has to work but that wasn't work! The ex was having him run a personal errand and expecting me to change everything without even so much as a phone call.

I know that part of my issue with it is because I have an issue with his mom. We were very close until the divorce. Some days I just wish I could show up at her house and show her the proof as to why I filed for divorce instead of just letting her believe all the crap he spewed about me...but I dont because what good would it do? Unlike my parents she never bothered to even ask me...or to try and remain civil for the kids.

UGH will I ever learn where that line is? Will there ever be balance? I do not want to fight...but I certainly dont want to let him control me any more...he has already had too many years of doing that to me.

Happy Birthday Bex!

Happy Birthday Bex!!!

I hope you went and got a slurpee!