It's Monday.... (Bex)

It's now the day after the first date...

And no real details....

Ummmm.... we are waiting....

Need. Help. Now. (Zaad)

Ok Girlz. I'm doing it. I'm going on Match.com. In fact, I just came from there. I got stuck.

And I can't continue without help. Seriously. Here's where I stopped:

Describe yourself and your ideal match:

And then they give no less than 4000 character spaces to do so. Yeah, right. I was thinking I would just post my fucking blog address and be done with it, but then I figured no one would probably ask me out.

Kidding. I'm an awesome writer.

Well, apparently not. As 2Cents (Riley) would say: it looks like I've got *the writer's block,*

So. Start writing, please.

To My Girlz... (Bex)

I know these last few days have been rough for everyone...

I have been thinking a lot these days on what to do, how to make things right, and most of all how not to lose something that has been built...

I keep telling myself, it's not my "issue", don't get involved, blah, blah, blah...

But here's my two-cents anyway...

Some of us are offensive people, some of us are defensive people. Offensive people take their problem in their own hands and try to solve it; defensive people wait for the other person to attack and then only defend themselves...

I think the key here is to listen. Listen and actually hear what is being said. Admit fault if there is fault to be admitted and apologize. No person wants to be hurt and I feel like I can say no one wants to hurt someone else.

Friends care about one another... and make things right... no matter who is at fault, or who started it, or who they feel should do right first...
If you care enough about the other, make it right... There is too much love to be lost. We are all in this together...

It is amazing how much something so small, can get blown out of proportion, and how much it affects others that are not in the direct line of fire.

I love all you... and this is only my thoughts and posting a way to get them out... Take as you will!

My Rollercoaster (Lulu)

Its truly amazing how a persons emotions can change to so many different degrees in just one day. I started out the day feeling just ok. Not really sad but not really happy either. Then the kids woke up and my day became brighter! We had fun and we laughed and I was on cloud nine because this is how I want their life to be. I want them to be able to be kids and enjoy their freedom to play. I swear I could've danced the day away.

Then the realization hit home at some point that I was going to eventually have to face those mornings when my children wont be there to erase my so-so moods. Once I am divorced I will have to share my parenting time and I wont always be the one to tuck them in every single night (like I have from the moment each one of them was born) and I wont be the one always wishing them a good morning. I will have days when I am alone. And then set in the scared shitless mood.

Then my little gray hair started asking questions about what is going on between her daddy and I. I realized I finally had to tell her about the divorce. (I had already told my big gray hair a few days ago) She didn't cry or act sad. She was just concerned that Santa wouldn't know which house to go to...then asked if this meant she could finally get a cell phone (she's only 9) because some of her friends have cell phones because their parents are divorced. Of course I said no...and assured her that Santa would know which house to go to. Both my kids are actually pretty excited about going house hunting with me. That set in the shocked and surprised and relieved mood!!

Then the phone rang and it was Mike telling me he was almost done with work and would be on his way home. He hadn't come home since I asked for the divorce (yes he was respectful this time and said he wouldnt be coming home). Other than work (which we are able to keep strictly work thank goodness) I haven't seen him. Ok so here comes the nervous as hell mood!

The kids are in bed now after having an evening together with the four of us. Now the talking begins. The hurt shows in his eyes and it just kills me. I want so much to be able to take it away and say everything will be ok but I know that I am making the right decision. I know that we can't stay together just because he is hurting right now. So now I am in my strong mood...its the only way to get thru this.

He has decided to leave for the night again. I am sitting up alone. My thoughts are racing. And now I am in the sad mood where you just want to climb in a hole and never come out. I feel about 2 inches high and I feel I have failed because this is not where I wanted to end up in life.

I do know that tomorrow is another day and I will face it as always. For now I am allowing my moment of sadness because I also know that tomorrow I will have my moments where I want to dance and smile. And I will embrace those moments every chance I get!

Here's Where I'm At (Zaad)

I hate vague posts, but the people that need to know what this means will.

I don't want to fight.

• I find it disturbing to my wa and it affects my serenity too much to do it.

I don't want things to be weird.

• Friends should be able to move past things and still have each other's back.

I don't to talk about people or be talked about.

• This one should be obvious.

I am not in a good place right now. I am lonely. I am tired. It is hard to be alone and keep a house and parent by yourself. I rely on my friends for support and understanding and I want this to continue. I do not enjoy arguing and I don't want to do it anymore.

That being said, I am sorry for my part in any of this. And I mean that sincerely (since the written word cannot always communicate sincerity, that is my disclaimer). From here forward, I will not argue with anyone concerning petty things where, obviously, expectations were misunderstood by multiple parties.

If things cannot go back to normal, that is something that will make me sad for a long, long time. But for my part, I am going to try and move forward and continue my friendships, strengthen them when and where possible, and treat everyone with kindness and understanding. It is something that I have always tried to do, but I get that I'm not perfect, my best is all I can promise.

The past couple of days have been hard, and that's where I'm at now. I don't know what else to say or do. My heart is heavy and I hope this will pass.

My answer to Lu's question...(Bex)

This question is entirely too hard...

I gave it many a days thought and I don't know is the real answer.

Other than unemployed... never in a million years thought that would be the case...

I have somehow become or at least close enough, to what I have "dreamed". When I was say Mitchell's age, i think i wanted to be a doctor... and my best friend Sarah Jane wanted to be the first woman president... well i was a nurse, now i'm in law school, maybe i'll end up doing both our dreams...

I always knew I would be a mom, and I always knew that I would get what I wanted, if I worked hard enough... And I have: I have a wonderful family, a great husband, 2 beautiful boys, the best friends anyone can ask for, we have all the material things one could ever want: a house, transportation, the kids are spoiled...

so... I think I am living the dream,... now I just need a job.

Serious Frustration (Lulu)

I know we are doing the question thing....and I know I already posted my question for Bex...but I just gotta vent! If I don't I swear I will break something! Sorry for all the boohoo posts but it really seems to help me vent some and I figure if people dont feel like reading it they just dont have to!!!!

I have really been putting myself out there to fix this marriage. Even though EVERYTHING I ask for seems to be getting ignored! He says this is killing him and that he doesnt want this marriage to end....but then why does he seem to ignore everything I say!

The kids were gone for a couple of days and we tried to have a date night. It ended up being a night of complete silence...not to mention the fact that dinner was the only thing we did that didn't revolve around work (which I specifically said needed to be forgotten for the night because all we have become is work partners instead of marriage partners)!

I have tried communicating....I have tried to keep an open mind and push the hurt and angry feelings aside. We have both screwed up in this marriage and we BOTH need to work if we want to make it better! But tonight....tonight just PISSED me off!!

I thought we had a pretty good day (aside from the fact that he cant seem to take one day and forget work and chores)! Its Fathers Day...I know that its should be a dads choice for the day...but come on!!!! Shouldnt a dad want to spend the whole day with the family instead of doing chores and work! So anyway we had a little disagreement about that then moved on. We took the kids to the movies and saw Toy Story 3! It was so much fun. We even actually held hands during the movie! We laughed about a few things and spent the rest of the day together as a family. That was sooooo great!

All day he kept saying that the only work he had left to do was to run to the lot and move the rental trailers back behind the locked gates but that he was gonna wait till after the kids went to bed to do that. So I tucked the kids in bed and then we went outside to switch vehicles around...as I was trying to ask him about who had to leave first in the morning so that I would know which order to put the cars in he finally says "Oh well it really doesnt matter cuz I wasnt planning on coming home tonight"

SAY WHAT!!! Hold on....breathe....count to ten....don't blow up!

ME: Ok..."I take it you really werent going to tell me...so then I would worry about you and wonder if you are ok or not when ya dont show back up"

HIM: I really didnt think you cared all that much so what does it matter

Yep that was his response! He so does not get the mutual respect thing!! Just because we are having problems doesnt mean I dont care what happens to him! Not to mention the fact that this is soooooo not a 2 way street here! Why does he get to come and go as he chooses! Yes...I asked for a seperation....and he wouldnt give it to me....but that shouldnt mean that he can just not come home whenever he feels like it without having some consideration! And for those of you who know the whole situation you also know the other issues I have with this!!! I am sooo tired of those outsiders who only know his side of the story telling me that I need to try harder! I keep my mouth shut because I am trying to be respectful but it is getting harder and harder every day to do that when I am the only one giving respect and not receiving it in return!