The What Ifs....(Lulu)

I am having a moment....I do not know how to handle it....Maybe writing will help, I just do not know....What If?

I had such an amazing weekend. I spent a lot of time just watching my gray hairs play. I watched them smile....I watched them have fun....Most importantly, I watched them be kids. I even got to forget about tomorrow for just a little while. We had my little gray hairs' birthday party today and she had sooooo much fun. Now the kids are in bed....and I am awake and thinking.....

What if.....?

Tomorrow is the big day. My soon-to-be-ex filed for full custody of our little gray hair and we go to court in the morning. My logical side knows that he will not win. I know I am a good mother. I see it every day in the two beautiful children that I have.

But what if......?

They smile more now than they have in years....And they hardly fight like they used to....

But what if.....?

They both say they love their father very much but that they still think I made the right choice!

But what if.....?

My children are my world....PLAIN AND SIMPLE! I live, breath, and exist every day because of them.....

But what if.....?

I have so many reasons as to why he will not win....I even have arguments to prove his reasoning for custody is wrong....and I continuously keep going through them in my head, but no matter what there is that lead weight on my heart that just wont throw away those stupid little what ifs?! I just want tomorrow to be over with so that weight will be gone and I will be able to breath normal again. It is not that I want to take the kids away from their dad....I just dont want them taken away from me.....Is that too much to ask?

Football Game Update (Lulu)

Well for those of you excited about going to my b-g-h football game... I have an update. He decided the other day that he really doesn't like football and that he has chosen to quit!

Oh he likes to throw the ball and play in the yard but he said being on the team just isn't for him. Of course I asked "why all of the sudden? What happened?" To which he put his head down and replied...

"It's not all of the sudden...I knew after the first week but everyone was sooooo excited that I didn't want to let ya down. but I just know its not me....I AM A BASEBALL PLAYER!" (yes he actually stated it loudly...very loudly...as he beat his chest with each of those 5 words).

The mom in me was actually relieved cuz now I know my baby wont get tackled and killed by all those big guys....but I am bummed not to see him on the field. I think we will still go to the home games just cuz it was soooo much fun. I know he would like to go as well. So if anyone still wants to go to the home game on the 17th we will be there...he just wont be on the field.

I'm Waiting Too (Zaad)

This was just gonna be a comment, but I changed my mind. I'm female so I have that right. Some things about being a girl rock. I didn't create the stereotype but I will take advantage of it.

Lulu: great post. Unfortunately, I have no answers. Opinions, on the other hand, I always have a shit ton of them. I think a mediator would be best. A counselor is the best idea there is and if you have to tell them they can't visit each other unless they go, so be it. It's for the best. YOU can't act objectively, I mean one is your soon-to-be-ex for a reason, and the other is your son. Being un-biased is impossible.

I had a blast on Sunday, too. Real family goodness.

Bex: I can't wait to hear about your job either. A post would be good. I mean, it's just my opinion and all. And yes, I think I'm funny.

Just sayin'.

And what's up with girl night? Not this week 'cuz Bex is stressed about going back to work full time? I'm just checkin'....

The Holiday (Lulu)

It was definately a crazy weekend. I thought I was going to have some time to spend with my parents but of course that didn't work out quite as planned. I didn't get there till after 7pm and by 10am the next morning my phone had already started to ring and I had to leave to pick up my big gray hair.

My gray hairs were supposed to be at their dads for the weekend, but of course, Mike and Cody couldn't survive a weekend without fighting. Cody started calling first thing Saturday morning saying he wanted to be picked up. It is so hard being in the middle of their disagreements. On one hand I know that Cody can dramatize things...after all he is a teenager. But on the other hand I also know the history between the two. Mike hasn't always treated Cody right. Quite often it is soooooo apparent that Lea is his biological child and Cody is not. The favoratism is quite awful...but he is the only dad Cody has ever known. I also know that Mike doesnt always speak the truth. He will say one thing then do the exact opposite. It's one of the many reasons for the divorce. So how do I know what to do or who is telling the truth. Do I pick him up or do I make him stay. I see Mikes point that if I pick him up, all I am showing him is that if he doesn't get his way he can just call, and mommy dearest will come running. And up until this weekend I have always made him stay. But they arent getting anywhere...I have argued with Mike for years about the favoratism....and I decided making him stay wasn't helping either. I did suggest that the two of them need a counselor. Someone other than me to be the mediator. I hope they do it.

Sunday was a blast!!!! Sarah showed up with TG and his boys....kind of one of those last minute things....and we had a fire and had a contest to see who could stuff the most marshmallows in their mouths at one time without puking...and ya still had to be able to say "Chubby Bunny"! Any guesses as to who won....ZAAD of course. Although I have always been the one teased about having the biggest mouth...oh wait I guess just cuz I never shut up doesnt actually mean I have a big mouth LOL. It was a great evening.

Monday was rough. It was one of those days when you can't help but look at where you are in life and wonder.....what the hell happened? This isn't where I wanted to be and I hate all the nastyness. I am not that person and I don't like that I am being forced to keep my guard up. What other lies is he gonna tell this time? Who else am I gonna discover has chosen sides? Why does there have to be sides anyways? Aren't the kids supposed to come first? Bex and her family was gone to Bumpa and Gma's for a BBQ so the kids and I snuggled on the couch and watched a movie. It was so nice to have a little quiet time with them.

Now the kids are back to school and they both said they had a great first day. Now I just gotta wait for Bex to get home so I can hear about her first day of work. I know it will be great cuz I have all the confidence in the world in her!

Something About A Football Game (Lulu)

Last night was so absolutely exciting!!! Ok so my big gray hair never actually got to play but still.....

There is just something about being in a stadium....The Lights....The Crowd....The Cheerleaders...and a bunch of guys running around on a field!! And the fact that my kid is part of that team.

Bex and I just kept talking about our high school days. Wow it really takes ya back!

In the end, we won the game 34-7!! I soooo can't wait till the next one. He does have a home game on Friday, September 17th and I hope to see the whole family there cuz ya all are invited. That includes the extended family....That means the girlz, ShaMom, ShaDad, Bumpa & Gma! And hopefully by then they will actually put my kid in. I know he is the new guy and all but the kid is a natural. One of the parents of the kids on his team even said that they must see potential in him cuz' they assigned him to skilled positions. (Course he could've just been saying that to be nice since I really don't know jack shit about football!!!! Bex is teaching me but i still have a long way to go!)

One of the Weirder Nights Of My Life (Zaad)

So.

I met dh's new girlfriend tonight. It was kind of like an out of body experience...TG and I on the porch, socializing with dh and B. And yes, he calls her B. For Bridget. Whatever.

And you know what? I actually liked her. You know, thus far. But my gut tells me she's ok and that is nothing to be ignored. We all openly acknowledged the awkwardness of the situation right from the start, but that did nothing to ease the actual awkwardness.

I was my typical self, asking a million and one questions, trying to soak up as much knowledge about a person in as short a time as possible, but honestly, I think that was a good thing. It went very well, and I feel 100% better. Now that I think about it, I could actually see myself liking HER more than him. [He'll probably fuck it up anyways, so it's not like I'm gonna get attached, but you know, if they do work out....]

And you wanna hear what made me decide to like her? Of course you do or you would have stopped reading already. Duh. I had said that dh and I get along very well, with the exception of the times that dh decides to NOT tell me things. That is literally the only time we argue. And she says this:

"Yeah. I was the one who said he should tell you I would be there this weekend. In case the boys said something and all..."

What? Really? I looked right at dh and said:

"You are an asshole. I cannot believe you." What I wanted to do was then turn to HER and say "good luck with this." But I am working on an award for *restraint.* And I'm doing really well.

So that was that.

Oh, and then TG and I went into the garage for sneaky garage sex. It was full of *the awesome.*

Just sayin'.

Oh the Nerves.... (Bex)

Ok so Lu and I are sitting here waiting to go to Lu's Big Grays FIRST High School Football game. This year as a Junior he decided he was going to play football, he is on the Varisty team.... his position is Wide Receiver and Cornerback...

And as you all know how Moms are... We are nervous for him!!

AND...

I start a new job on Tuesday....

The kids start school on Tuesday...

UGH!!!!!