My kids (Lulu)

Tonight was a night filled with sappy moments between my kids and it makes me realize just how lucky I am to have the kids that I do.


So this is my big gray hair.

And this is my little gray hair.

Yeah they have their moments, and yeah they can surely drive me crazy, but tonight I feel blessed.

We had such a great night bowling and we even took my son's girlfriend along.  Even with her there my son made sure and took the time to help his little sister.  He would go up there and coach her on ways to throw the ball.  He would cheer for her when she actually got a pin or two down.

At one point we were all laughing and she just stopped and looked at me and said "I am so lucky mom.  I have the best brother in the whole world."  She kept going up to hug him and he would hug her back. 

I don't know about any of you but that is NOT how I remember things with my brothers.  Our time spent together usually ended up with someone bleeding.  And you would NEVER catch any one of us admitting that we actually loved each other.

I almost started getting teary eyed (yes girlz, I know, that doesn't actually take much) when his girlfriend was telling me about how last week when they were at their dads he actually told her they had to put the phone call on hold because he needed to go tuck his sister in.  That has been the hardest thing for me with the divorce because I have tucked them in every night since they were born.  Knowing that he takes care of her and does it for me seems to make it a little better.

I couldn't ask for anything more right now.

The Break Up Kit (Zaad)

I did it.

I broke up with JD. :(

But I was prepared with my break up kit <- over there, first.  It was already pointed out to me that I forgot smokes and Diet Pepsi, but trust me, it's all right here next to me.

Bex was here for moral support (thanks, btw) and I was able to get through the horribleness of breaking up with someone.

I hated hurting him.  But I know in my heart it was the right decision.  I know this because, inside, I feel mostly relieved.  The pain I am feeling is mostly from feeling bad that I hurt him.  And I loved that he fit in so well with my friends and family.

If only he *got* me.... 

But he didn't, and I couldn't make him understand. 

I do want to say a big fat thank you to all 3 of my Girlz for being here for me.  Your texts and support mean so much.  I always know that I am never really alone.  I am lucky in that way.  And of course, to have my sister here was beyond helpful.  I was literally shaking.  I gave him the option of talking in person, but he just wanted me to say what I had to say and get it done with.

I told him the truth:  that I didn't feel that he and I were going to work;  that I felt like he needed to get his life together, on his own, and I couldn't have the pressure of making everything ok for him.  HE needs to do that.  I told him that everything felt like way too much for me;  that he wants a different type of relationship than I do.  I couldn't say much more than that, except that I was extremely sorry.  Because I am.

He's already been here to get his stuff.  It was extremely awkward.  But, now... now I am eating candy.

Am I EVER going to find someone that loves me as much as he did, yet gets me?  Am I ever going to find someone that can go at just the right pace?  Not too slow, not too fast, just normal?  Am I ever going to find someone who is both awesome and wants me for who I am? 

I'm not going to change.  I mean: hopefully I will always continue to grow and change and learn, but I'm not going to change who I am inside.  Not really.  I am who I am. 

Just sayin'.

Dude. Boys Suck. (Zaad)

Ok, so honestly, Bex is going through more shit than me right now, and I get that, but dude, seriously, BOYS SUCK. And due to our very real and very frequent history of *sympathy feelings*, this could all, indeed, be HER fault.

[Don't even get me started on the other day when my bladder actually hurt and I had a spot of BLOOD in my urine at the EXACT moment when she was getting a CAT scan on her bladder done and she literally thought she peed her pants.  STOP messing with my wa (or my vagina), Bex!  It's really weird.]

So it's possibly due to the fact that her and Jeff are fighting that I feel like this. However, right now, I feel like BOYS SUCK.  JD is great and all, and perhaps maybe he's right and I'm not all that great, but at least I know my faults and fucking apologize if and when I EVER even THINK I may have hurt his feelings.   Why are guys so different?  Why is saying you're sorry either 1. unheard of or 2. even difficult at all??

If you're a douche, than you get to apologize.  If you don't want to EVER be wrong, you're on a hard, tight line that you will fall off of.  Because I know ONE thing for absolute certain, I will NOT be starting any relationship whatsoever with double standards of any kind.  Period.  That's the God's honest truth.  I have learned that you teach people how to treat you and if you accept certain behaviors and double standards in the beginning, than you'd better be ready for it for the long haul.

OBVIOUSLY the honeymoon is over.  Whether JD wants to be a part of my life is entirely up to him right now.  Currently, I think he is so prideful and so into *me* being the one to say I'm sorry, that he JUST MAY be stubborn enough to shoot himself in the foot with this one. 

And for something so stupid, really.  But, in this instance, it really is the principle of the matter and I'd rather be alone than feel like I'm settling for double standards.

Your turn, Bex.

Just sayin'.

At one moment... I thought I was going to die... (Bex)

Ok, I had such an odd morning...

I was supposed to go to my make-up class this am... But as usual I was running late this morning, so last minute I decided that I was going to do the other errands I had to do in Oakland County. (The mediation training I had done needed some paperwork, before they could schedule my practicum... AND I still needed to do my Ward visit for my guardianship review.)

As part of one of my classes, we do Guardianship reviews. (For those of you who are unfamiliar... Guardian is the person looking after the ward; Ward is the incapacitated individual; the reviews are done yearly by a 'court officer', today that 'court officer' was me!)

So just to preface this correctly... I did not know what type of apartment complex this was that I was walking into... (senior living, mental disability, etc...) I did not know why the ward was incapacitated... (physically, mentally, etc...)

So the ward meets me in the lobby and asked, "so do you want to go to my apartment or sit down here?" And actually I needed to go to the apartment to "observe" his living situation. So as we were walking to his apartment... down several long hallways, and up a set of stairs, he says, "we should take the stairs because they will wonder why I have a woman in my apartment and it will be safer for you." And I looked around, nobody was out in the hallways... So, I blew it off, he seemed quite "normal" and I still couldn't figure out what his "disability" was... Most of the talk has been pretty "normal".

Then we go into the apartment and as I'm sitting down in the chair he has pulled out for me... He is folding and placing a rug next to the door to cover the light/sound from the hallway... "Now, a little voice is saying, Ok little odd, maybe not safe... Nah, he seems harmless..."

Then we start talking and shortly I discover what his disability is... with these statements that he made to me during the conversation:
1. I was abducted many times and raped when I was an infant...
2. I started seeing a psychiatrist, and I know now that my father was not one of the men lined up to rape me when I was an infant, it was someone that just looked like him, a lot like him...
3. One of my sisters is an imposter, I could tell in high school...You know how you can tell when one is working and the other is not...
4. By the way, did you know about my injuries... The cannibals got a piece of my skull, I have (a lot of misc) broken bones in my face, and an X shape fracture in my face...
5. They have abducted and doped me up a lot and made me do things and lined up to rape me and there were people watching from the window...
(Yes at this point, I started to think... Oh my god, this is it, this is were I am going to die... he was harmless, never made any move or anything ... just scary delusions that I didn't want to be a part of!)
6. I was seeing a girl whose ex boyfriend just out of jail for murder and he is trying to kill me and there was a witness that lived across the hallway and they said she moved out, but I don't think so...
7. (My favorite!) They call this psychosis, but I don't think so, those people are too evil and real...

At this point, I kindly made my exit as quickly as I could... It was weird because even though he told me so many details of these obvious delusions, we did have numerous periods of conversation that felt so "normal" (like talking about the date, weather, going grocery shopping, ...).

As I was walking out of the apartment he pointed out his "sound-makers"... These were items that he propped against the door so if anyone tried coming in when he was sleeping, he would wake up (they included a big box, sticks for either side of the door, and a screwdriver for the top of the door)

He was truly a pleasant man to speak with... but for any of you who know me, I don't know how to handle "insanity". It took everything in my body to not laugh, because when I'm that uncomfortable that's how I can handle things... Ok sometimes, and this happened to be one... I wanted to laugh... Is this man for real or is he really fucking with my head?????

I made it out safely... But rest assured, If and when I do another one... I will take someone with me!!!

Hope you all have a safe day/night!

OMG... The end IS near!

Ok, Ok, Ok...

So I was doing my routine check of the numerous emails (ha, ha) that I receive... And this one was in my Inbox today...

Dear Rebecca *******:

We are drawing nearer to the day when your law school career will be complete! The commencement ceremony for the Marion M. Hilligan class will be held on Saturday, January 21, 2012 at 3 p.m. at the MSU Auditorium in East Lansing.

HOLY SHIT. Is this really happening? Is there really an end to this "hell"? Ok, this semester (the last semester) has actually been fun and exciting and new. But I actually have a graduation date? I never really felt that this day would come.

And then what? Ok, so then take the Bar Exam... and then what? Be a lawyer? ME?

Today I actually finished the State Court Administrative Office (SCAO) Mediation Training. (I still have to do the 40 hour practicum) But now I can technically be a Mediator. And tomorrow I have 2 client interviews for my Estate Planning Clinic, where I am a Student Attorney and actually representing these clients. It's really kind of an exciting time right now (as far as school and learning is concerned).

Thank you girls who responded to my email tonight... It meant a lot. I was really excited when I got it and then really disappointed that the person I live with didn't share in my excitement... (for whatever reason, he may be sick, and then he just might not care... who knows nowadays...). So when Tink and Zaad responded in excitement it was kind of cool to share... And sorry Tink about the rampage that ensued about the disappointing spouse! Thanks for being there!

Hope you all have an exciting Saturday morning like I hope to have!

Alone and Angry

I am so frustrated...

Why is it that when I am not working, I get treated like a roommate he doesn't like?

I know he has been under stress at work and we have many different issues/ stressors related to finances... And when he asked me (almost desperately) to take care of a few issues, ones that I really didn't want to handle (like talking to the builder of our house about renewing our land contract) I took on "the projects", to alleviate his stress on the homefront. And yet, the "bad mood" persists.

The "bad mood" started when we got home from the Girlz Camping weekend and continues yet today. It ranges from nasty comments about the music or tv shows I like, to pissing and moaning about football practice (that he doesn't even have to go to) to leaving trash and dirty clothes on the tables and floors to not eating dinner if I cook something he doesn't want to eat to saying snide comments about my friends or turning the tv up so loud on Girl Night that we can't hear each other talk...

And I don't know what to do... I tried confronting him nicely last night with the... "Are we ok?" "I know your are under stress, but it's starting to feel personal" And all I got was "We are fine."

And he sleeps every moment that he is not working. I mean he is either working at work, working at home, or sleeping. My brakes are so bad they are grinding and I feel unsafe in my car, and I have asked 3 times to take care of it... And that started week and a half ago. And yet my brakes are still not done and he was sleeping before I put the kids to bed (on a school night).

I know I need to address this... but I am so angry I don't know where to start.

And so alone.

A Day for ME! (Lulu)

So for the first time in a VERY long time I have had a day just for me.  I am finally learning to embrace this whole being alone thing and I actually enjoy it (ok so I wouldn't want it ALL the time but a day here and there is great).  After the way things have been lately I needed it.

Work has been completely overwhelming and I have been working a shit-ton of hours.  Part of me feels very honored that my boss thinks so highly of me and keeps giving me new things to do but the other part of me feels as though it is just too much. She keeps saying "I want you to start doing this because I am tired of it getting messed up and I want it done right"  The only problem is that all the of the deadlines do not mesh very well and by Wednesday I was almost in tears.  I talked with one of the girls for awhile about it and it definitely made me feel better.  By Friday I had organized myself better and I think I have it under control at least.  I can manage what I have but if my boss asks for more I am just going to have to tell her I cannot take on any more.  Luckily she is the type of boss who understands and would rather you say something.

I decided yesterday that I was leaving work on time and that I was just going to enjoy my weekend.  I do not have my kids so there isn't anything I have to tend to with them.  Topher is gone for the weekend so we wont be going out or doing anything.  And I didn't have to work so this weekend is for me!

A girl I used to work with came over last night and we watched a movie.  It was so great to just sit back, have a drink, and just chit-chat!  I had planned on sleeping in but apparently my body doesn't realize that I didn't have to be up at the butt ass crack of dawn for once, so of course by 7am I couldn't just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling anymore so I started my day.  I got some house cleaning done and played on the computer.  I walked around Meijers with Bex for a bit and even spent some time on the phone chatting with my kids.  I love that they call me even when they are with their dad.  It really helps me get through the week without them.  We have such a good time when we are together and I am enjoying them tremendously.  It's hard to say goodbye at the end of our week.  I don't feel as though I need a break or anything.  Tomorrow they come home and I cant wait!!!!