Remember (Bex)

STRENGTHN IN NUMBERS....

you can do anything if you have your support... One: you can get through this rough time and Two: i need help getting her through!!!


Which is why I called an impromptu emergency girlz meeting, to help get Lu packed and moved... Dude she almost started crying on me like 3 or 4 or 5 time yesterday, and I was like ok, look, where are the other 2?! I can't handle this sappy shit!

you know i mean that with the most love Lu!

Losing It (Lulu)

I just wanted to be able to say that through this whole divorce I was able to remain nice and respectful.....Who the hell was I kidding!!!!!!

Last night I lost it!!!! We were trying to work out the details of me moving out and signing the business over to him. I tried to do up the paperwork so that I not only covered my ass but it covered his as well. He wouldn't agree to any of the parts that covered me!! He got mad at me because I didn't "trust" him. How am I supposed to do that when more times than I can count he has said "I just keep thinking I should be a real asshole about all this!!!" I also just think it is smart for BOTH of us to have this in writing!

Needless to say we had to take it outside (cuz unfortunately this all took place at Bex' house)....sit in the truck...and hash it all out!

After awhile I just lost it! I did not sugar coat the reasons as to why I want a divorce! I was honest and blunt and no longer took his feelings into consideration. Part of me feels really bad about that though cuz I wanted to try and be as nice as possible...I wanted to be able to talk through all this stuff...I wanted to remain true to the type of person I am! I have always been pretty good about not letting my anger get to me and unfortunately that usually ends up with me getting the shaft but I was always able to be proud of how I handled myself. But THIS....THIS is getting harder and harder to remain nice! Why can't he see that I am just trying to do what is fair for both of us and the kids. I have no alterior motive like he thinks! And quite honestly if he were to put his emotions aside and really look at everything...I mean REALLY look at it all he would see that I am pretty much giving him everything....I am walking away with almost nothing! If he ends up making it so the courts have to decide everything then he will only have himself to blame when he has to pay up the ass and actually split the stuff with me!!!

But that is not how I want things to be....

Need all Positive Energy... Now Please! (Bex)

Ok, so I went on a job interview today...

Without going into great detail about the job itself...

I want this job. So much so, that I would be willing to seriously slow down on school for a semester to make it work.

All I am asking from everyone is to put out the good vibes or prayers or whatever it is you do when you really want something... so that I get this job!!!

Is that too much to ask?

Oh, and Thank you to everyone in advance...

When Words Are Not Enough (Lulu)

Right now my life is soooooo overwhelming

• Divorce - damn I never realized there was so much paperwork involved just to get it started. Paperwork that you have to have to file but yet the courts can't give it to you cuz there is no official forms. And here I thought it would be easier without involving an attorney.
• College - Of course I just have to decide to do it when I have everything else going on. So I officially go back to school on July 29th. In a few years I will actually have my Bachelors in Accounting. Its only something I have talked about for at least 10 years.
• House hunting - Basically I am screwed on buying a place (no credit...I was stupid enough to let him put everything in his name all these years), Renting isn't much of an option cuz the payments are like double what a mortgage payment would be.
• Job Hunting - I need more than the business that Mike and I own together...gotta have some security. I haven't written a resume in like 15 years!!!!!
• Emotions - well theres no explanation needed for that one. If ya don't like the mood I am in just wait a few minutes cuz it will change.
• Kids - doing my best to keep everything sane and as normal as I can for the situation

With all of this I have come to some major realizations. I always knew that my girlz are the best but I guess I never realized just how much I could actually depend on them. How do you say thank you when that really isn't enough. I sat there at girl night and just watched them all do everything they can to help me figure out all of this. Their brains and hearts were working so fast and hard that I was left with that feeling of ....well I really cant describe it! The sacrifices they were and are willing to make....the phone calls that were made....the words of encouragement that were said.....

For the first time since all of this started I actually feel like I am going to make it. I know it wont be easy and I know I will have moments of ....OH MY GOSH! What was I thinking!? But now I also know that when I have those moments I am not alone. When I need to be reminded of who I am....they are there to do it. I don't know how to thank you....nor do I know what I did to deserve such amazing friends. You give me courage, strength and laughter and words will never be enough to express my gratitude.

Two of the Most Beautiful Pictures I Have Ever Seen (Zaad)

So:

1. Thanks for finally posting jackass.

2. You couldn't have picked two more perfect pictures if you tried. Your girls, OUR nieces, are gorgeous. You should be proud.

and

3. The second picture is how I see Tink. It's the Tink that I think most of the world misses because she hides under a veil of toughness and rough edges. But that is her: laughing. Always laughing, especially when her girls are happy. She has a light in her that shines when she laughs that, I don't know, that open and loud and funny laugh that she has and this picture shows it perfectly.

Very nice, Tink.

Just sayin'.

The Sweet Life (Zaad)

Well, in following with Lulu's optimistic theme, I just want to say, I had a great weekend.

Yesterday, Tough Guy and I took all four kids to the park and met up with friends of his for a BBQ. The weather was good, the company was fun and most importantly, the kids all had a blast.

The boys even asked if we could all sleep at Tough Guy's house for a sleepover, to which I responded "not happening." And when they kept pestering me about my reasons, I finally said "And where would I sleep??"

Rie: With Tough Guy.
Me: OH REALLY?! And you don't think that would be weird or inappropriate at all?
Rie: [very, very loudly] You used to let Brian sleep over.

Thanks, son. Totally not necessary. And totally not the same thing. Call me a prude, but taking my kids to a boyfriends' house, even if he has 2 boys who are now best friends with mine, and staying the night still seems a bit hoe-ish. Maybe in time, but not yet. Seriously.

[And yes, I did let Brian sleep over. HERE. At MY house. And it was NOT within the first month with the boys home. It was way after they all got to know each other.]

I watched Itchy and Reese's Pieces today for a few hours and took them out to lunch. Because Bex had given me some money, I told the kids it was their choice. They picked Texas Roadhouse and me and the four yahoos [yes, I'm crazy] all had steaks for lunch. Motherfucking Yum, I say.

Then TG brought the boys out here, we hung out with my sister and Jeff for a while and TG's kids had a good time playing with Itchy and Reese's Pieces. I will say, however, that TG having 100% custody of his boys really puts a crimp in the sex life. Mine are gone 40% of the time so it's easy for me to find time. But hey, whatever. Things are going good, I'm not complaining.

The highlight of my morning was when I woke up this morning (late, Bex had to wake me up to watch her kids because 10 am came fucking FAST this morning) Riley informed me, in no uncertain terms, that "Ron can be your boyfriend, Mom."

That is freakin' huge because they are my number 1 priority and I know that part of the reason that TM and I had so many issues was because 1. he didn't get the whole parenting thing and 2. while the boys didn't mind him, I don't think they *liked* him all that much. Of course, its been a year now that the divorce was filed so they may be getting more used to the idea of me having a boyfriend.

So, that was my weekend. How was yours, Tink? (wink wink, write something jackass, LOL)

So Much Fun (Lulu)

For a while now my schedule has sucked quite frankly. I have really missed having all the girlz kids around. I was always the one that had the type of schedule that I could jump whenever any of them needed me. but with the way things have been with Mike, work, baseball etc. it seems like all I have been able to say is "no" lately. But this weekend is my weekend with the kids now that we split parenting time and I could say "yes" and it feels so great!

Zaad needed me to babysit while she worked today so the boys just spent the night cuz it makes it easier. Then Reese wanted to spend the night....actually the coversation went like this:

R: (Head down...foot playing with rocks...the sad little voice starts) Since all the kids are spending the night at houses can Lea spend the night?

M: No sweetie cuz Emerson and Riley are spending the night at my house and since Cody isn't there Lea needs to be. Would you like to spend the night at my house?

R: Yeah

M: Ok go "ask" your mom and dad

R: Dad I am spending the night at Aunt Lulu's and you have to pick me up in the morning.

J: What time do I have to pick you up?

R: ummmm 1 o'clock

So Reese joined my clan at the house. We stopped for ice cream on the way home, the kids mentioned popcorn and a movie so I stopped at the store and got popcorn, they played rock band and Play-dough, and we ALL laughed and had a blast!

Needless to say we never did watch a movie but Reese and Lea did eat popcorn (the other 2 just couldnt party any longer and had already fallen asleep). I made a big bed in the livingroom and we all crashed there.

It was so nice to let the kids tear thru the house and make a complete mess without worrying about anyone getting upset that the house wasnt clean or that the kids were making too much noise.

This is what I want my house to be like when all is said and done and I finally get my own place!