In a Funk (Lulu)

Holidays are approaching fast...and I am in a funk. Its really not the holiday that is bothering me so much, just everything else.

For starters, I NEED A JOB!!!!! I have had quite a few job offers but unfortunately they have been for the afternoon shift. I cannot do that. I do not trust the ex to not use it against me for custody reasons. Oh sure, he would say he wouldnt, but so far every time he says he would not do something...he has.

second...I am having a very hard time saying good bye to my kids. Yes part of me enjoys the break...but I almost started crying when I had to send them off to their dads yesterday. They both hugged me so tight, then whispered in my ear "mom, I don't want to go...I want to stay here!" It breaks my heart every time. I know Mike wants to see them, and its not that they dont want to see him, they just dont want to be gone for a whole week.

Then there are some decisions I am struggling with regarding the divorce. I know what I need to do, but I am having a hard time doing it. Even with the lectures I keep getting from my biggest gray hair. Sometimes I think he is much older than what he really is. His arguments are right on the money, almost as if I was talking to one of my parents. I am just so afraid of what may happen...how bad it may get...how the kids will be affected...ugh I just do not know! So many people have tried to reassure me, and believe me it is appreciated, but it still does not make it any easier.

Last, the anniversary of my brothers death is coming up. Most years are all right. You would think that as long as he has been gone I wouldn't have this hard of a time. Maybe its all because of where I am right now in life...I dont know...but I am having a really hard time this year. I think of him so often, wishing he were here, wondering how different my life would have turned out.

I just need to find a way to get out of it.