Oooppssss... I meant to write sooner...

I know I said I was going to do better... But... I forgot... Well I passed the Bar Exam, but I am having trouble with Character and Fitness. Unfortunately, I have a skeleton or two in my closet (but don't we all...) And I didn't try to hide them... But apparently they think that I was not being 100% honest and forthcoming. So, I have to appeal the decision and go to a Hearing. If I don't appeal their decision, then I have to wait 2 years to apply to the Michigan Bar again. Go figure... I graduated Law School cum laude... I passed MPRE with a 94 (needed an 85 to pass)... I passed the Bar Exam (on my first try!)... And yet, apparently I do possess the requisite good moral and character to be accepted into the Michigan Bar... I am really not a bad person. I do have skeletons, only a two really... and I didn't really not disclose, I thought I was being as honest as I needed to be. Somethings really are private. It's really not fair... I mean really... Lawyers, Attorneys, Counselrs, Esquirers... whatever you want to call them, they don't have a bad reputation for nothing. Yet, minus two character flaws (bad at paying bills on time and the other is still too personal to divulge here) I have led a fairly honest life. I am not perfect, and by no means am I trying to even imply that. But the only two flaws that have a paper trail... the MBA believes that I was not honest enough about for them. Really? Before I got their decision, if it came back this way, I was going to let it go and reapply in 6 months (and be as honest as they want). However, if I do not appeal this decision, I have to wait 2 years to apply... and this is just to get my P number to practice law. This doesn't even guarantee me a job or work. UGH... My husband says that I have to fight this and appeal. And quite frankly, he is kind of right... I mean what do I have to lose, right? I can't practice as a 'real' lawyer right now. So, if i win this appeal, then i should be able to practice... if i don't i still right here in the same position. What he doesn't realize is that ever since I left 'the John' I have felt beat up, scrutinized, raped, questioned, and utterly defenseless. I am tired of trying to convince people that I am not a bad person. I am tired of defending my character or my judgments or my decisions or my words. TIRED. Yet, as always, I will continue the fight... I never really give up, even though I threaten it many times. It really is just frustrating that after 4 1/4 years of law school, passing the MPRE, studying for and PASSING the BAR Exam, I still may not be able to get my law license to practice ... at least maybe not for 2 more years.... Do I really have that much fight still left in me? I don't know... I have to file my appeal by May 21st. I will try to keep you posted.

It's that time... to fulfill my resolution

I said after the Bar Exam I would write more...

So here I am... Tomorrow I start my next rotation with my new students. I am teaching nursing OB clinicals for the time being. I actually hope to get the full-time position (yes, I know... my husband thinks I am crazy too).

The way I see it... I can actually work full-time for the college while I learn how to practice law. I have never really wanted to work for a big law firm, putting in 80 hrs a week minimum, just to make billable hours. My husband, the pot-stirrer, thinks I am "wasting" my education on teaching at the college. But I am not. And we need income. Full-time employment income. And if my department coordinator is right... I won't have to work summers, holidays, and college breaks. And I really do enjoy what I am doing. It is nice seeing nursing from their eyes. So fresh, so new, and so eager to do what is right and not cut any corners. So, yes I have applied for a full-time instructor position.

I feel this will leave me time to "shadow" a lawyer and learn. God-willing I passed the Bar Exam... (yes, I said God...) I even went to see my Estate Planning Clinic Staff Attorney the other day... and she said "that sounds awesome, then you can take on pro bono work from the school, and have the school's resources to back you up!" I can only do that if I don't have to go find a "real job" that pays... (Not that teaching isn't a real job... it is. I mean a real lawyer type job!)

So, I know it's alot to ask, being that I just asked for all your well wishes to pass the Bar Exam... but one more time... I ask that you keep your fingers crossed that I get this full-time position... Then I promise to help as many "needy" people as I can while I am still in the learning phase (as I feel it is...)

Thank you all for being so very patient with me through the course of law school... It was long and tedious... But for now, we are done!!!

Being forced to face it (Lulu)

It never seems to fail that whenever something in my life is troubling me life forces me to face it....in a big way!

My biggest problem right now is being away from my kids.  Cody especially.  I am fine when he is in the room with me but when I can't see him I worry.  I know this isn't healthy but I cannot help it.  I am so afraid something is going to happen and I won't be there to help him.  Mom's are supposed to be the ones that make everything all better.  And for Cody and I much of his life has been spent having me be the only one there for him to help him when he is hurt or upset.  My ex never believed him when he said he was in pain and if Cody tried to talk to him it was like talking to an emotionless robot.  So I have always felt that I had to be there for him even more.

Since the divorce their relationship hasn't gotten any better.  For quite some time now he has even refused to go see him.  When Lea goes he stays with me.  After the surgery Mike has been calling and talking to Cody quite a bit.  So finally Cody has decided to go spend the week there.

WTF!!! Why now!!!

Being gone to work is bad enough but now I have to go a whole week!! 

As soon as he told me it took everything I had not to lock him in his room and tell him there was no way in hell I was letting him go!  I wanted to scream "How can you do this to me!  How can you put me through that hell!!"

But instead I bit back the tears and told him that I hoped it worked out for him this time. 

Right before we left to drop them off I get this text

"Mom, don't worry.  I am going to be fine.  You are the best mom and I wouldn't wish for anyone else.  I will text you every day.  I love you"

Damn that kid!  I was trying so hard not to show any emotion.  I didn't want him to feel guilty for going because I realize this is my own fears doing this to me and it shouldn't affect him.  I want him to have a normal life.  How do you hold back those tears when you read a text like that and he is sitting only feet from you.  He didn't want to make a big deal in front of Lea so he thought it would be less emotional for me if he texted me that instead of saying it out loud.  UGH!!

So I have been forced to face time without him near me.

To top it off Topher left on Thursday for the weekend so I am by myself every night.

I'm getting thru it and every day seems to get a little easier.  Bex has helped a lot with chatting with me.  We even have plans for this weekend.  It will be sooooo great to hang out again.  I really need it.

I just have to figure out how to make the nightmares go away.  I really need to get at least one night of decent sleep.

Ok... BREATHE...

My deepest apologies... I know most of us have completely neglected this site for some time. It was nice to logon and see Lu's post!

MY EXCUSE: I graduated from Law School! YAY! which means... December I was studying for finals and applying for jobs... I did get a new job (not law related) but I am teaching at SC4! And I love it... So, January and February I have been studying to take the MI Bar Exam and started working again.

MY RESOLUTION: After I take the Bar exam, I promise to make a better effort at making regular posts!

Ok gotta go... Wish me luck tomorrow (28th and 29th) and Wednesday on the Bar Exam... I better not have to repeat this... It is too expensive and too stressful!

And Lu, You are not alone girlfriend! We love you. Keep talking and writing and I promise you will feel better.

Living with Fear (Lulu)

From the time was a kid and my brother passed away I have had this fear...

I remember laying there at night and praying to God that he would give my parents the strength to continue each day, because I felt that no parent would be able to go on after losing a child.

Ever since then I have had a fear that something would happen to one of my own when I grew up.  Now I have 2 beautiful children and the fear is still there.  It's 100x worse now that I know Cody has Brugada's.

My logical mind tells myself that we are lucky.  We at least know he has it and we were given the opportunity to give him back up via the box in his chest.  That same part of my brain knows that I must live each day as normal, and allow Cody to live each day as if nothing were wrong.

Unfortunately that part of my brain that feels fear does not listen to the logical portion of my brain.  There is this constant battle going on in my head and it's driving me insane.  On the outside, especially in front of the kids, I try my best to maintain the normal every day person that I am...

but inside, my head is screaming.....

At night I have found myself waking up in a panic, and I have to go to his room and make sure he is ok,  I sit there and I watch him sleep and it takes all I have not to just grab him and hold him.

In the morning I no longer wake up to my alarm, but instead it incorporates itself into my dreams.  No longer is it the dreaded sound that means I have to get up, but instead its the box giving us the warning that his heart is about to do god aweful things.  I reach for him and grab him as he falls.  That's when I finally wake up.

Zaad has told me that the fears will pass, and I know she is right, but at the moment I do not see how that is possible.

Come On, Girls! (Zaad)

So, we haven't written in a while and instead of bitching, I figured I'd just write.

I know that I am not always motivated to write on here because I like to keep my peeps updated on my own blog, (I wouldn't want to start a riot with my tens of followers or anything, heh) and one can only do so much writing.

Or, rather, I can only do so much writing.

*sighs* *needs a good topic* *writer's block sux ass*

When I don't have anything to write about, I usually start a gratitude list, but today I am going to use work as my fallback. 

Lately, it feels like my branch is forming into a family.  I love it.  It's always hard to start at a new branch, and in my field, I'm what we call a *branch jumper*- I switch around a lot.  Some of it is intended, some of it is not.  Just when I get really comfortable where I'm at and start to love the ones around me, I move.

This time it has taken much longer than usual, but it's probably due to the fact that my old manager and I were like long lost soul sisters.  It has made connecting with my new manager much more difficult than I expected.  Because while I don't say it, obviously what goes through my mind is a lot of *omg, Amy would never do/be/act like that*.  But - things have really done a 180 and it's a relief.

So, what changed?  Well, among having the best BFAW [best friend at work] ever, and having some work peeps over for game night, it really helps that I am dating a customer.  A customer that, IN FACT, went INTO MY BOSS'S OFFICE and asked if HE COULD DATE ME.

YEP.

After spending about 20 minutes my boss's office, during which I started sweating and shaking [mainly because I am not really sure if dating a customer is ALLOWED even, and I really thought my boss was going to angry with me] TJ left the office, and left the branch - without even looking at me.

He did it on purpose of course, he knew I was dying and wanted to know what was going on, so he probably had one hell of a chuckle to himself as he walked out.  Ten seconds later, my phone rings, and of course, Marc [jackass teller next to me] jumped to answer it, laughing his ass off: "Boss wants you in her office, Sarita."

UGH.

"Shut the door."
"You know, this feels a lot like when I was growing up and my dad would say *step in my office....*"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yep.
"So, is there anything you'd like to tell me?"
"Not really."
"How's Tim?"
"Who?"

Ok, so she finally starting laughing, said it was fine, and I started breathing again.  What followed was a really sweet conversation where she gave me advice, I listened attentively, she told me her opinions, I thanked her for not firing me, etc. etc.

All in all, it ended up being a real bonding moment.  I think that she now feels somewhat like my bank mom and likes it.  Almost like we have been searching for something to bond over, but on a personal level, we just haven't had ANYTHING in common.  But now we do, she's know TJ for years. 

Even if TJ and I don't work out, it's kind of cool that my boss and I are closer now.  This happened over a week ago and I didn't feel like writing about it in case I was imagining it, but in the past week, my boss and I have laughed and joked together more than we have in the previous 6 months. 

It's a good thing.

Just sayin'.

A Boss that Cares (Lulu)

I have always been the little guy at any job I have had and lets just say that my idea of "corporate" was not a very nice one.  I always had the idea that the big CEO's sit in their pretty little offices and that they have no clue what goes on in the little guys life nor would they even know who any of them are.

I had a incident that happed recently that turned that image around for me.  I love the company I work for and I love what I do.  But up until the other day I never realized that there are still a few CEO's who actually care about what happens in the lives of their employees.

I was the victim of a scam and on payday my bank account got wiped out.  As with everyone else in the world...I live paycheck to paycheck.  Not having that money meant that bills weren't gonna get paid and I wasn't going to be able to put food on the table while my kids were there.  Needless to say I lost all sense of hope and actually broke down at work in tears.  My manager called me into her office to find out what was going on so I told her.  At the end of the day she again pulled me in the office and told me that she had talked to the big guy (giving only minimum details) and asked what they should do.  His response..."Write her another check"

I was so blown away

The thing is, is that it does not stop there.  While I was at work the next day my big gray hair actually tried to call the CEO of the company to thank him.  Of course he could not get through to him but left a message anyways.  I was so proud of him.  As soon as he told me he did that my head went through the whole thoughts of....1. uh yeah kid, first of all it's the big guy so of course you wouldn't be able to actually talk to him.  2. It's a Saturday so of course you wouldn't reach him.  3.  The big guy will probably never get the message and even if he does why is he going to pay any attention to some kid of some employee.  Of course I never said that to Cody but I thought it.

BOY WAS I WRONG!!!

Yesterday my son received a letter in the mail, written and signed by the big guy himself, telling him he had gotten his message and that he was blown away that a teenage boy took the time to call his mothers employer just to say thank you.  He said the nicest things to my son and it touched my heart.  Not only that but he included a $50 gift card to Outback Steakhouse with a sticky note that said "here you can take your mom out to dinner". 

I am proud to say I work for a boss who actually cares about the little guys.